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I don't like penetrative sex. Am I alone?

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by FrostyWhiskers, Aug 3, 2013.

  1. FrostyWhiskers

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    Bi guy here. And I'm trying my best to keep this post from sounding crude at all.

    It's taken me about 15 years of being sexually active to crack the code of my sexual habits and I've come to the conclusion that I don't like penetrative sex. It also skews the results of a Kinsey Scale test I took, which rated me as a non sexual individual, which I can assure you is not true at all.

    My experience is mostly with women, and I just don't like having vaginal intercourse. It's strange because I find male genitalia far more attractive than female genitalia, but I find the female form more attractive than the male form. (But I don't find male genitalia on a female form attractive)

    I dislike butts entirely, except as a good place for my hands while slow-dancing.

    But even in my sexual relationships with women I've tried to avoid sexual intercourse as much as possible. Earlier in my sexual life that wasn't completely true, because let's face it, teenage boys like to stick it in whatever they can. But it's really fallen quite low on my order of priorities. I find female genitalia to be a turn off (but I don't mind giving oral to women, because I don't have to look) I'll typically rate vaginal intercourse as "better than nothing." but that's about it.

    Sexually my order of preference would probably go something like this:

    #1. Oral sex (receiving)
    #2. Mutual cuddling/petting/kissing/manual sex
    #3. Oral sex (giving)
    #4. Masturbating together (but not touching each other's genitalia).
    #5. Vaginal intercourse.
    #6. Masturbation alone.
    #7. Nothing.
    #8. Anal intercourse (giving or receiving).

    It has put a strain on relationships in the past with women, since most women I've been with like anal sex, which worries me about how accurate reports are that I've read that not all gay/bi men are into anal sex.

    And also just because I prefer receiving oral over giving, doesn't mean I don't give. It's just a scale of how arousing I find particular activities. I find with straight women, oral sex is considered a specialty, and that she doesn't want you feeling special very often. And then I find with men because it's so obligatory it loses that special feeling.

    But all that said, I don't know why, but it just seems like I want to avoid penetration in general. This is absent of any bad experiences that might cause a phobia. I'm not unconfident with my ability to perform. I just don't find it very arousing. And I'm worried that I'm alone enough with such a quirk that if I ever want to find a good partner in life my sex life will have to consist of mostly tolerating things that I would prefer to avoid, and not being able to fully satisfy said partner with the sincere enthusiasm they deserve.

    Please tell me I'm not alone (but without lying).
     
  2. Gen

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    You are definitely not alone! (*hug*)

    I have no qualms with receiving during penetrative sex (Mentally. I haven't tried, but I'm pretty sure I could find it enjoyable), but had I; I would be in the exact same position as you. I have never had any desire to penetrate anything, and it can definitely be confusing as males considering societal expectations.

    This was the main reason why I never even attempted to give heterosexuality a go, because I didn't really know what I would do. Most orifices disgust me, and I still haven't the slightest clue what even constitutes as a "nice butt".(I suppose its rounder, but I just....am at a loss).

    But anyway, there are definitely people out their who aren't into penetrative sex in any sense. Like many things, it just takes a bit more looking.
     
  3. Jimi

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    Wow, that's a really picky sexual life. I don't think I would ever be able to do that. I think intercourse creates a sort of bonding experience that masturbation just doesn't do. But I definitely have heard of guys just being into oral and nothing anal. Because the relationship in itself is more important than sex (in some people's opinion, not mine though lol)
     
  4. DrAdam

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    I don't like the idea of anal sex either, as a young male looking for a partner this does concern me as the majority at the moment seem to want it. That said, I think I would be willing to try it with the right person but it is still not something I ever fantasise about or see myself doing on a regular basis as either giver or receiver.
     
  5. Dublin Boy

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    Never tried it, so not sure yet :slight_smile:
     
  6. lukeluvznicki13

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    I guess that is just your opinions we all have different ones :slight_smile:
    To be honest I have never experienced anything super sexual such as anal or vagina sex so I can't really comment too much on the matter
     
  7. June Cleaver

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    Wow that shocks me really, as I love intercourse! For me it feels so good while he is doing it and love the warm feeling as he is finishing, and also I feel it keeps a special bond between us. At night after my partner is through he leaves this warm fuzzy feeling inside me that stays until I fall asleep next to him and gives me the most restful sleep. So everything about it just feels so good to me.

    Now I don't like it with condoms, or any man I am not in love with. Condoms make it hurt for me and I tend to bleed and burn for hours afterward. I would rather just give head when not in love and dating. I love giving head to any man who turns me on though. Cuddling is way up there to, but most guys seem to not like it. I guess because of my body being wrong I suppose.

    I am sure there are lots of guys just like you who don't like it, just not the ones I run into. June
     
    #7 June Cleaver, Aug 4, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2013
  8. Tightrope

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    All interesting comments. I don't find his ranking is picky, though. He just knows his priorities. Also, like someone posted within the last month or so, about 1 in 4 guys aren't interested in anal sex, and different reasons are cited when they write an article on this.

    As for any kind of penetration, I think it's a control issue for the person doing the penetrating. Your genitalia goes into a cavity belonging to someone else, and you can't see it. I guess that's a weird feeling, in a way.

    The one that gets me is how some guys would have no qualm about being involved in the most invasive of the sexual acts, and don't want to even use a condom, and get all wigged out about facial contact. Does it really mean that much? Maybe it just means that you have a nice face and someone wants to sample it. Sheez. And it's safe, too.
     
  9. AKTodd

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    Hm. I'm not exactly like you, but this might make you feel a bit better about this part above.

    Anal doesn't really do much for me. I've topped and bottomed both over the years and overall, I'd rate the best anal experience I ever had as not as good as an average back massage. I don't actively dislike anal and would do it if the person I was with wanted to, but overall I consider it a lot of logistics and work for something that is less fun than a lot of other things that we could be doing sexually.

    The good news from your point of view, is that I've only once been in a relationship where anal was considered a big deal and really demanded by my partner. Every other time (let's call it a dozen or so sex partners all up), the guy has either had no interest in anal at all (at least it was never brought up as an option by either of us), or it was something we did occasionally, more because we felt we should or just felt like it rather than because either of us really was just dying to do it.

    I have historically done serial relationships or dating more than hookups, so with most of these guys there were multiple opportunities to do anal if we'd wanted to. We generally didn't.

    My current partner and I have been together 16yrs and I'm not sure I'd need the fingers of more than one hand to count the number of times we've done anal. It's just never done that much for us. More recently, since joining EC and reading all the accounts of how wonderful anal is, we decided to try it again. What we pretty much discovered was that while toys and fingering have proven sufficiently promising to warrant further exploration and addition to our play time, anal has been reconfirmed to be vastly overrated and of no real interest to us.

    The upshot here is that you're not alone. You're probably not even all that unique. You may just need to both be more assertive about what you do and don't want and to find someone who shares your tastes in this area.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  10. misunfortunate

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    Nope! I'm a lesbian and don't like anything inside me more than one finger. It isn't pleasurable to me and can be quite uncomfortable. Unfortunately I'm not exactly brave enough to clarify this with any sexual partners, so I often go not completely satisfied. It's normal, just a preference people have.
     
  11. Rarareva

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    I think, we all have our own preference when it comes to sex.

    I only been with women before, but at the moment I’m dating a guy and it’s all very new to me. Like you, I really enjoy the oral part of sex (receiving). And I also like sex with girls (vaginal intercourse). With the guy I’m dating at the moment, we only recently started to be sexual together, so we haven’t done much yet. We have been cuddling and kissing for a while now. Other than that we only been doing oral and masturbating (together/mutual). I enjoy that, but the anal part still is something I really can’t do yet. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I want to at all… Only time will tell.

    So no, I guess you’re not alone.
     
  12. AotearoanGirl

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    Hey there FrostyWhiskers

    I am new here. I actually made an account specifically so I could reply to this thread. I am really not that great with techno-stuff lol so hopefully I get this right and don’t post this in completely the wrong place. Okay, on with my reply!

    SHORT answer: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! And now I know that I am not alone either :icon_bigg If there are AT LEAST two of us (meaning you and I) then there MUST be more like us out there in the world!!

    So here is a longer answer to try and explain myself: I will try to refrain as much as possible from sounding obscene or offensive (I truly do not want to offend anyone!)

    Like you, it has taken me a long time (8 years since I lost my virginity) and A LOT of sexual experimentation to ‘crack my code’. First I thought I was strait, then I thought I was lesbian, then I was certain I was bi, then I concluded that I was asexual.. but alas, I am HIGHLY SEXUAL, so how can I be asexual.. hmmm??

    I love men, I love women, I have masturbated almost every day, sometimes more than once a day, since I hit puberty and I have ALWAYS pictured sexually explicit situations with men and women when I ‘dance the lone tango’ – so how can I be asexual????

    Here’s the thing. I hate penetrative vaginal sex. End of. I have TRIED to love it, I have had sex in so many different ways with so many different people (casual flings as well as serious partners – longest relationship was 5 years), but no matter how aroused I was, no matter how much lube we used, how HOT my partner was or how much I loved him or how drunk I was (yes, I tried that as a last resort many a time) I have not ONCE enjoyed penetrative vaginal sex.
    I also loathe being fingered, and I hate being given oral sex – by men or women. Again, not for lack of trying; I HAVE TRIED. But no, I just CAN NOT GET OFF ON HAVING THINGS DONE TO MY ‘YONI’, end of.
    I do not even use tampons, ever, and I have never inserted my fingers into myself when I masturbate (except when I tried it to see how it felt – it feels awful).. I have to ‘rub’ to get myself off.

    I have finally stopped fighting it, stopped trying to manipulate my yoni in to doing things she DOES NOT WANT TO DO, and have accepted that I may have to remain single the rest of my life (I have been single since 2011), and I am okay with that if that means I never have to feel the sting of not being able to truly satisfy a man who wants nothing more than to truly satisfy me with his penis or his fingers or his tongue (I am not having a go at men, it truly IS me, not you!).

    And I do not hate vagina’s, not my own or anyone else’s. Actually, I love vaginas! I love to give women oral (still don’t like to receive though), but I don’t feel the same emotional connection to women as I do to men and for me the whole emotional aspect of sex is what is most important. To me, there is no relationship without that deep emotional connection.

    So, if I don’t like penetrative vaginal sex, I do not like oral sex (done to me) and I do not like to be fingered, how does that make me a sexual person???

    (not sure how to say this without sounding lascivious and/or vulgar, but here goes – oh, and I can only ENJOY any of this when I am IN LOVE with a man and he is IN LOVE with me and we are in a committed relationship, none of this applies to strangers or casual acquaintances)

    I absolutely love to give my man oral sex (when I have a man). I love (LOVE) to masturbate while I am giving my lover oral: I hold off orgasming till he blows then when his cum fills my mouth I orgasm so hard, I literally cannot describe the feeling (makes me hot just thinking about it) and swallowing makes it all the better. I am not kidding, I even fantasize about giving my lover oral when I masturbate on my own (but the guy in my fantasies never has a face unless I am currently in a relationship, then he looks like my partner – when I’m not ‘attached’ my fantasy guy does look a bit like Christian Bale, haha – but whoever he is I know he loves me and I love him and that just makes it soooo hot).

    Masturbating while giving oral is literally THE MOST SATISFYING SEXUAL ACT FOR ME, I love it. I LOVE being with a partner so I can give him oral every time >>>I<<< get horny, but sadly men get sick of this and eventually want to ‘stick it in’, no matter how much discomfort that causes me.

    I also love to talk REALLY dirty and flirt and dress sexy for my lover, I love ‘heavy petting’ and rubbing against each other through our clothes, I love to French-kiss – especially when we masturbate together (stimulating our own genitals, not each other’s). I love to kiss my lover ALL OVER, and be kissed all over (except my yoni).. But I also love snuggling up together on the couch and watching TV, or cooking together/for each other, massages, going to the beach, doing the groceries, going to the park, having dinner & movie night at our parents houses (I am 25 with two kids haha, but that doesn’t make family movie night at mums any less fun!)... I love to do all the stuff that people in relationships love to do, I just hate penetrative vaginal sex. I loathe it. End of.

    It seems to me that no sexually functioning strait/bi man can be TRULY satisfied without being able to put his penis, or fingers, or tongue in his lovers yoni and have her love it (I am not having a go at males here, like I said, I WISH I could want it, I WISH I could love it – that would make everything sooo much easier. And maybe I have truly only ever met the wrong ones???)..

    Men SAY they would love for their woman to WANT to give them oral, and that they would be happy with that, but they also want to be able to satisfy her in return, and all the men I have been in relationships with seem to think that me masturbating as I blow them does not count as them giving me sexual satisfaction..

    I haven’t so much as spoken to another man or woman outside of the internet since leaving my ex 3 years ago, because honestly, I am now completely confused about what to do should romance arise. I am terrified of falling in love again because I know I will not be able to provide all that a healthy sexually functioning man needs (even though I WANT to be able to give that to him, I just can’t) and even if the person I fall in love with is asexual, then they won’t be able to provide all >>I<< need!

    I see now, after reading FrostyWhiskers post, that men who prefer to have their cocks sucked and would *RATHER* go without vaginal sex (as opposed to having to compromise) actually DO exist. Now all I have to do is find one who is also compatible with me emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually haha.
    I am honestly happy to be alone if I never find the right person. I will not compromise on this; I have tried compromising and it just ends up causing pain and frustration for BOTH people involved in the relationship. but at least now I know my relationship prospects are not COMPLETELY hopeless, so thank you FrostyWhiskers!

    There seriously must be more people like this out there in the world? I think it needs a name lol; What DO you call a highly sexual man or woman who does not enjoy penetrative vaginal sex???

    By the way, I was not sexually abused as a child or anything, so there is no ‘underlying psychological issues’ here. I just do not like vaginal penetration, end of. I just hope there are more men like FrostyWhiskers out there in the world, and that one day I might be lucky enough to meet one of them!!

    Sorry this was so long, so much for me trying to keep it short haha.
     
    #12 AotearoanGirl, Oct 16, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2013
  13. DrkRayne

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    You're not alone.
    I'm a woman and I dislike penetration (receiving). Especially with a dildo. I have never been molested or anything it just...eh...i dont like it.

    So...there are those of us out there. Talking wiht your partner and being honest and don't give up or give in to something you don't like. Sex should be enjoyable.
     
  14. June Cleaver

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    Ok, No VA-JJ sex, but have you tried anal? I feel your pain as being a woman in a body without a VA-JJ, the men who will date me have to settle for oral and anal as I don't have a VA-JJ for them. This leads to me having to on occasion hire a call girl or put up with the cheating that ends up happening. It just plain sucks! June
     
  15. Tyler1

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    Interesting discussion. I fall into the category of enjoying anal. I am more of a bottom now but will top for BF when asked. I find the whole experience to be one of the most sensual experiences one can have, especially bottoming. I find it an intense, intimate connection that nothing else gives. Submitting to my BF just feels right. While I enjoy oral, giving and receiving, I would rate anal first, oral second, etc. Each to his/her own.
     
  16. tulman

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    You're all making it so complicated!:confused::bang:
    Penetration is fine with me. #1: Penetrate me orally, then #2: anally. #3 & 4: We'll switch places. Mix in lots of cuddling.(*hug*)
     
  17. AotearoanGirl

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    Hey there June how are you? :slight_smile:

    I have no idea what I am doing, so hopefully you get this reply! Like I said; techno-stuff + me = blah! lol. You are beautiful by the way, your husband is very lucky!

    In reply to you: (trying not to be offensive to anybody, just trying to explain! sorry if it's a bit graphic!)

    I like a LITTLE bit of anal, but only while I am masturbating… I like him to wank while I masturbate, rubbing the head of his 'organ' on my bum, but not actually 'putting it in', then when I cum I like him to push 'inside me' just into the opening (definitely not all the way I find that hurts too much). if he spurts while he does it, even better – the feeling is sooo intense I can even squirt while I orgasm, but his penis can only be in a very short way, and only for the 10 seconds or so that I am cumming, then he has to pull it out, so I am not sure if that actually counts as anal sex..

    I could HAPPILY live without that as long as he could be TRULY satisfied with me sucking his cock every time he or I was horny lol

    I totally know what you are saying about having to put up with cheating. I didn't realize at the time, but the men I was with were actually not very thoughtful of my feelings (sounds like you have had a lot of this as well!). Especially my ex I was with for 5 years.. I gave him vaginal sex at least once EVERY SINGLE DAY, often more than once, but that was ALL he was interested in. He was not interested in making me 'feel good' because he figured I should 'get off' in him giving me oral and vaginal penetration - even though he knew I didn't like either of those things and they both actually cause me considerable amounts of pain (I have nerve-ending vestibulodynia: even very strong pain meds and numbing creams do not make vaginal sex any more bearable for me, but I still always pretended to enjoy it for him).

    But I was young and THOUGHT I loved him so gave him everything I had to give sexually, and cooked and cleaned and dressed nice and never argued and worked to make the money that he spent etc etc - but he still cheated, ALL the time.. he said it was my fault because I should orgasm more during sex and I completely believed that. I thought I was totally 'broken' and lucky to even have a boyfriend at all (even though I LOVE women too, I just do not feel the same emotional connection to them, it is 'just fun' with women, rather than 'love-making' so I couldn't be in a 'relationship' with a woman, just 'good friends').

    I truly thought I loved him, and I totally thought it was ALL my fault, so I stayed with him and put up with the way he treated me. SUCK. I even let him have three-sums with me and other girls or guys depending on what he felt like, and worse.. how naive was I eh?

    Well, I am now (thankfully) the solo parent of our two kids and have realized that I am worth waaaay more than that. I would rather be alone than be with a man who will cheat on me and force me to have PAINFUL sex (I am talking the equivalent of 'labour pains' here, not just a bit of discomfort.)

    So I totally understand your pain about having to put up with the cheating with some of the men you have dated, because you think it's your fault for not being able to 'give' whichever man you were with everything he needs - I hope your current partner appreciates you for the beautiful, unique, wonderful person that you are and can find full satisfaction in being with you and you alone!!!

    If I can ever find a man who will be TRULY satisfied with the things I CAN give him, rather than resent me for the things I am unable to give him, and who will love me for who I am, that would be completely amazing - but like I said, I am happy to be by myself if that doesn't happen. I am not miserable or lonely being single, and its much less complicated this way. My kids come first now obviously (that's the main reason I left my ex, not fair on the kids having me sad all the time and dad off cheating) and if mum is unhappy then that doesn't make for a very happy home - so if I ever did get another BF he would have to be pretty damn saintly hehe! :slight_smile:

    Thank you for your reply June xox

    ---------- Post added 16th Oct 2013 at 01:40 PM ----------

    wow sorry for such long posts everybody! I have trouble explaining myself using few words because I always worry I will be misinterpreted..

    ---------- Post added 16th Oct 2013 at 01:47 PM ----------

    Hey there Tulman: I WISH I could be like that, but my body and 'needs' are just too complicated I guess. I don't WANT to be complicated - but for some reason that's just how I am; and that's probably how most men and women in this situation feel...

    But I definitely like lots of cuddling of course and I am sure almost everyone would agree with that whether they enjoy penetration or not! :slight_smile:
     
  18. June Cleaver

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    Thank you for the sweet compliment and you are just as bueatiful, if not more so! Reading what your ex did makes me think of my last ex who was bi and endlessly cheated on me telling me I was not fulfilling his needs, that I did not feel good to him durring penetration and even forcing me to watch him cheat, sometimes be part of it (I am not bi and was disgusted to touch another woman sexually), then it got to where when his friends would want me, forcing me to do them while he watched. I went through horrible verbal, mental, and physical abuse. I was such a mess that when his first friend had me I expected he would not enjoy the feel of me as I thought I felt inferrior, but he like most straight guys who try me, he went nuts and fell in love with me. Months later he moved back to our state where we lived to win me over and within 5 min of him coming through that door he wanted sex. I did get amused one night when his friend abused him back as he stood up for me. After being here about a week he even beat my ex up one night for him putting me down as usual in front of him. He told my ex that he was crazy that he has looked his whole life for a woman like me and how lucky he really was. The next morning he asked me to let my ex go and be his, but I was so afraid of leaving my ex, I felt that his friend would never stay with me as I was lucky my ex put up with me. It has taken years of counseling to get to this point I am at today. Back in 2009 when that happened I was all ready in love with Mike. That was another factor of why I said no as well. My last ex was just like your ex. Both of my bi men were just the same, though I was with them 16 years apart. I do way better with straight men even though the other 2 straight men were abusers too, they treated me way better. This one is the first that I have had who has not abused me. I thought it was normal for a man to treat a woman like that since all were the same, but in counseling I have learned I looked for the next abuser. So be careful of that! June
     
    #18 June Cleaver, Oct 16, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2013
  19. g4563

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    if you ask me, most of them are not into penetrative sex because they possibly would likely to get diseases such as std and hpv or i don't know. i know penetrative sex is very painful in females.
     
  20. PantiePirate

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    I feel like I'm a pretty confusing and complicated person on this matter as well. I'm much more of a giver sexually than I am a receiver, which works well because my girlfriend is the opposite. I LOVE giving her oral and fingering her and even using a strap-on on her, both vaginally and anally. However, even though she is more of a bottom, she does still like giving and occasionally she REALLY wants to give. I love getting oral (vaginal and anal) but I DO NOT like being anally penetrated more than maybe half of one finger and I haven't really let her finger me more than one finger and sometimes I like that sometimes I don't but it never really turns me on a lot. I think I would like her using a thin strap-on on me but not because of the penetration, simply because the thought of her... "humping" me for lack of a better word and being so close like that is very arousing. Much like AotearoanGirl, I must be in love for most things to be arousing, I only rub when I masturbate I do not finger myself, and the easiest way for me to get off is going down on my girl and masturbating or having her rub my clit and the orgasm is SO intense when she squirts in my mouth. But its a challenge to get off when receiving though I can do it with some patience. So for the original question, you are not alone.