I'm new to all this and i mostly joined for support...so here it goes. I'm somewhat a recently out lesbian. When i was in high school, i was dating my first and only boyfriend who during our entire relationship was severely emotionally abusive. Towards the end of the relationship he began physically abusing me and made me think i was crazy and imagining it all. It was back in 2007 that it ended and i had been alone because i didn't trust people after that. I began figuring out my sexuality about 2 years ago( always thought i was gay when i was in elementary school but i suppressed it) and 6 months ago I met the most amazing person, my girlfriend Steph. So far everything is great but there are times when we are being intimate that i have these horrible.....i don't know, flashbacks, i guess of my ex doing all that he did to me and i completely freak out to a point that I've actually knocked Steph off the bed. the abuse never used to bother me but its becoming more prevalent since i started my new relationship. I'm too shy and scared to go to therapy but its making me depressed and makes me want to pull away from my girlfriend. I feel like I'm crazy now.... Has anyone ever had this problem? I don't know what to do, i can't hide it anymore :icon_sad:
You need to think about getting some counseling. I know you say that you're too scared and shy to go, but it might really help. You went through a traumatic experience and those things don't just poof away never to be seen again. Until they've been worked through, they have a nasty habit of rearing their ugly heads over and over again. When I was a kid, I went through some pretty horrible shit, things no child should ever have to go through. And later on, as a young adult just becoming intimate with my s.o., there were certain things that would 'trigger' me, and I would just freeze and quietly freak out. I didn't want to explain it. Who would? It's humiliating, right? Having to admit that things like that happened can make you feel so small. It's like having to feel that hurt all over again. This is the point where having a patient, caring partner who's willing to listen and be patient with you is super important. It helps; it really does. The way I see it, you're becoming emotionally invested in this relationship - just like you did when you were with your dick exboyfriend. And that's bringing back all those feelings of powerlessness and shame and hurt, particularly when you guys are being intimate. Sex is a very vulnerable experience. We're naked, we're off guard, we are in a very real sense temporarily surrendering our control. And that can be scary at the best of times, and a thousand times more scary if previous sexual encounters have been violent or linked to violence in some way. But that doesn't mean you're crazy or damaged or anything like that. It just means there are parts of you that still need healing. Talking about it usually helps. Therapy is good because it's often a lot easier to be open with someone who is not involved with your daily life. There's a bit of emotional distance there that makes it easier to trust someone with these hurtful memories. But you need to be open about it with your girlfriend too. I don't mean that she needs to know every little detail, just that she needs to be aware in a very general way of what happened and what it's doing to you now. And I say this because she's probably wondering if it's something to do with her and it's really not. You are not alone, and you're not the only one who's ever had this problem. And it will get better, I promise you.
Thank you, Melodicmom. i do probably need some therapy, it all just feels so shameful to admit. And my girlfriend is fully aware of everything and is very supportive as well. She thinks i need some more help too but 100% wants to be with me all the way, which is great but it also makes me feel like I've involved her in something that she shouldn't have to deal with.
I agree with melodicmom. I have never experienced anthing like that but I do have a friend who was physically and emotionally abused and her relationship ended with her rape. She has mentioned before that when being intimate she still has flashbacks. So I think counseling could be helpful, it was for her. I really hope that you get better and I'm sorry that happened to you. (*hug*)
Thank you for your insight, I think I'm going to have to explore the option of some type of counseling. As much as i don't want to, it may be my only choice.
