I'm looking for a therapist. I've been through therapy before - more than once. When people here ask, I advise that they find someone that fits with them, without being rent-a-friend. You need someone who is friendly enough, but will also be detached and challenge you. I'm at the point that finding the right therapist is the hardest part. Experience 1 - grad school, stressed out, 3 visits on the house at the university, more if the case required it. The practitioner was a woman. I had never done this before. I got the name from another classmate who was a woman. I then learned that she told my recommending friend, who had endured a lot more than I had in recent years, that she didn't want to continue to work with her because she didn't want to develop an attachment. How nice, right? Well, at least she caught herself and was was honest. I believe she was a lesbian, but was more naive at the time. During my three sessions, I made a snide comment about the women "townies" and I could see her wince. I don't think she liked me from the get-go. I think countertransference could have definitely been a factor and I didn't like her that much either. Experience 2 - after grad school, 2 years. It was a male therapist. It wasn't rent-a-friend, but he was pleasant enough and we bonded in a healthy provider-client sense. Progress and a relocation was why the therapy ended. Through a consulting arrangement and limited visits with a MD, I was able to start SSRIs. I was open about all aspects of my life. He is no longer in that line of work. I called the clinic where he worked. Experience 3 - ended about 5 years ago, 3 years. It was a male therapist. He was the scholarly one with a PhD I've referred to, who did this as a side gig to teaching. I liked that he was intellectual. He was youthful looking for his age and I though of him as a grown up surfer because, while being mentally sharp, he had this coolness about him. I read him wrong. I was going through a lot, with both family and work issues, and I was happy to be talking to someone. In retrospect, he took quite a few unprofessional jabs at me. My friends who have been in therapy concur. They got to hear the context and the inflection of the exchanges. I'm almost certain countertransference set in. I was open about all aspects of my life, and then clammed up when I saw what a jerk he could be. Experience 4 - ended about a year ago, about a dozen sessions. It was a male therapist. He was very reserved and stoic, which was fine, but his philosophy was about "the now" and mindfulness, which seems to be "the" approach right now. He wanted to talk about "the now," and less about my past. To me, it's the past, and plenty of it, why I've sought therapy and it's the future I have to live through, so "the now" is fleeting. After those sessions, he told me he couldn't help me because I couldn't work with his approach and was very focused on my past. I thought that was professional of him; however, a dozen sessions were wasted. At this time, I am looking to resume counseling. There are several places my insurance will cover, and they have numerous practitioners on staff. I can read their bios. There are a whole bunch who can invoke a Christian approach, as an option, because a lot of them went to a religiously affiliated school for their graduate work and training. I do not want this, even if they don't use it, because it colors their viewpoint. Also, there are some who got their training elsewhere who employ Eastern methods and mindfulness, and my experience with mindfulness did not yield results. I just don't want anyone with a spiritual bent of any kind. I'm looking for someone who is very middle-of-the-road and practical. What do I do to find a therapist whose approach works for me? Also, is CBT the main approach, or are there other ones which are common and work well? It's easier to find a primary care physician than it is a therapist. Long read ... sorry.
First off, if you haven't tried looking up any local lgbt organizations (PFLAG, etc.), give that a shot and see if they have any records of local lgbt/lgbt-friendly counselors or therapists. They may even have profiles of them and how they work. And even if your old counselor - experience 2, here - is retired, is it possible to still get a referral from him, or even (since you live in a different city) a better idea on how to find the type of therapist/counselor that would work for you? Sometimes they remain at least available after retiring, though I'm assuming you probably asked about this when you called. Barring any of that, I suppose you could go in for an evaluation appointment, and ask the new counselor for recommendations right off the bat. I'm sure nobody would take it amiss. If they work out themselves, great, and if not, you've got a few different options in the area to try, all of whom are reputable enough to warrant referrals. Hope some of that helps, and they're not all old ideas. As far as CBT...it's certainly common, at least from what I've seen, but I'm not sure if it's a main approach in any sense. If that's what you're looking for, mention that to any counselor you talk to - or if it's not, mention that too, of course. Good luck!
It sounds like you've had a run of unwonderful therapists. What you need is someone whose experience and primary modality is insight-based therapy, which is a longer-term approach involving looking back at events in the past. There are a number of different styles that use a more insight-based approach (Rogerian, humanistic, Gestalt, etc), so what I'd recommend is doing phone interviews. Scratch anyone off who is mostly cognitive (CBT) or positive psychology, or uses NLP or hypnosis as primary modalities. Ask detailed questions about what percentage of their clients are short-term brief therapy (which will always be CBT or something similar) vs. long-term insight based. If they have no, or very few, insight-based clients, they're not going to be skilled in that modality. It's fine if the practitioner is truly eclectic (meaning, they may make use of CBT for immediate symptom reduction, plus insight-based work to get at the deeper issues.) If you can find one, you might find a therapist with Gestalt or a Jungian approach to be helpful, but they aren't really easy to find unless you're on the west coast or some other very enlightened place. The main thing is... don't be afraid to ask detailed questions about their approach. You're buying their services, and making a big investment, and you're entitled to know what you're buying. Any therapist that balks at spending 15 minutes on the phone with you is not the one you want to see. It may take some time and effort, but when you find the right one, it will be well worth it.
One thing that I've never done, and I really wish I had is answering this question: What do I want to achieve from therapy and what issues do I want to work on? Most of the time, when I've gone to a counselor, it's been in the mode of "I'm miserable and I just don't want to be unhappy anymore." I'm finally in the position where I'm actually owning my emotions and dealing with my emotions and beginning to feel and deal with them.
You might consider getting in touch with therapist #4 and ask if he has any recommendations for someone who might be a more appropriate fit. One thing that looks helpful: you have had experience, and you know at least some things that don't work. And you have at least some idea of what you want. That puts you ahead of people who know nothing except I'm miserable, and I don't know what to do. Also you are very lucky in that you have the insurance coverage that will at least help.
I won't add to above .. Which I agree is good advice by others Other than to say... I have always felt best dealing with a gay male therapist .. Better connection for me. Also, CBT is often a specialisation not offered by all therapists. Depending where you are, the qualifications are often different from those who offer psychoanalytical work CBT is usually practised over a short period as it is very targeted, whereas psychoanalytical can spread over a long period Sorry you have mixed success in the past and hope you get someone more suited soon X
I was discussing this with Martin, who is in an MSW program in the UK, a couple weeks back. Apparently it's different there than it is here in the US and in Canada. Here, one must be a licensed therapist (masters level, MSW, or Ph.D./PsyD) in order to practice CBT or any other psychotherapeutic modality, while in England, they apparently have a specialty degree/credential just in CBT. Unfortunately, here, our crappy managed care system is pushing heavily for CBT as the cure-all for every psychological issue, so many therapists are specializing in it, to the detriment of many of their clients. But you can still find therapists with other specialties, you just have to look a little harder.
The best I can do is send you to this website where you can search for a therapist by qualification and specialty. Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today
Thanks for all the responses. BTW, the above 4 weren't back-to-back, as there was some spacing of years between them. @ Gravity - I'll call the clinic where he last worked and ask those questions. @ Chip - thanks for cluing me in to insight based approach and that CBT is sort of the panacea in the industry, so I'll look for other types of practitioners with different approaches - of these, 1 and 3 were NOT pleasant experiences. @ Bear101 - what do I want to solve: some of the negativity from the past that lingers, and has permeated a lot of areas. @BMC77 - therapist 4 actually did do that; he was interested in med. management for me, which he couldn't do. Many psychiatrists are full and I don't want med. management that badly since my primary care guy does that. I still looked at the guy's web site. I did NOT like him at all, from gut feel, and his reviews on applicable sites by patients were poor. Regardless, I want a therapist and not a psychiatrist with the most pompous of CVs like the guy recommended. @bingostring - thanks for echoing that CBT functions as a bandage; something has to change. @AG - thanks for that link. I've been punching in adjacent zip codes to see who comes up. I will use it in my search. I'm hoping there's a productive bond this time, much like there was with the second therapist.
