I'm afraid of myself.

I really don't know how to respond here. You really took out all the good options. Maybe if you want to see if you can feel anything w/o risking hurting somebody you could try watching an emotional movie. I'd recommend 'Prayers for Bobby' if you haven't seen it before (easy found on most popular sites with viewer uploads. If you are really emotionally 'shut down' the best thing you can do is talk to a councilor/therapist. I understand your reasoning for not wanting to but that doesn't mean it's not the best option. I can tell you from experience that self destructive behaviors are not the way to go. Alcahol, stuffing my face, and sex with strangers are some I have struggled with for years. It is a hard habit to break if you ever get started. Besides if you do them so you 'feel something' the high may be a distraction but you fell like a used piece of shit about the time the high wears off.
I shut down after my grandma died please don't follow in making the same mistakes I have making for 10+ years

---------- Post added 22nd Sep 2013 at 08:45 PM ----------

get yourself some real help.

---------- Post added 22nd Sep 2013 at 08:45 PM ----------

I really don't know how to respond here. You really took out all the good options. Maybe if you want to see if you can feel anything w/o risking hurting somebody you could try watching an emotional movie. I'd recommend 'Prayers for Bobby' if you haven't seen it before (easy found on most popular sites with viewer uploads. If you are really emotionally 'shut down' the best thing you can do is talk to a councilor/therapist. I understand your reasoning for not wanting to but that doesn't mean it's not the best option. I can tell you from experience that self destructive behaviors are not the way to go. Alcahol, stuffing my face, and sex with strangers are some I have struggled with for years. It is a hard habit to break if you ever get started. Besides if you do them so you 'feel something' the high may be a distraction but you fell like a used piece of shit about the time the high wears off.
I shut down after my grandma died please don't follow in making the same mistakes I have making for 10+ years

 

If all this happened earlier this year and your mom is better only fairly recently, then it may just be that you need some more time for your brain to catch up to that fact and turn your feelings back on.

Many years ago, I was in a three year relationship that ended rather badly. For some period of time thereafter, I also felt rather detached from my feelings and also (strangely enough) stopped being ticklish (and I am normally VERY ticklish). It's like I just wasn't feeling everything anymore. Eventually, I sort of recovered from the emotional numbness (helped along by meeting and dating a really nice guy who I met through the new roommates I got when I moved out) and things returned to normal.

Certainly be careful and don't do anything that could harm you. But maybe give it a month or three of your mom being better and putting yourself in happy/fun (but safe) situations and see if your feelings turn back on.

My 2c worth,

Todd

 

Maybe trying to get a guy who is willing to have an open relationship then if you find out your not gay he wouldnt care as much as if it was a guy that wanted a serious relationship?

 

Well, what I've noticed so far is that you know the difference between right and wrong. You have an idea about the kind of man you want to be. A lot of people don't have that. While you can learn by experience, I wouldn't recommend it man. I think you'll surprise yourself when you do find someone that you click with. I often feel similarly, wanting to shield others from how I know I can be, but when someone finds the good in you, they're going to stick to you like glue. I often wonder why people like me also lol.. but it did get better for me. I know it's hard to think about, but you should focus on other things right now and get into college before you announce your solitude.. I think you should stick around here and get/give advice, and make sure that you're active outside of the internet. Look for companionship in others that doesn't have to involve sex.

 

Faced with the possibility of losing a parent at your age, emotional denial is a pretty normal reaction--it's self preservation. Way more difficult when you're beginning to deal with stuff where emotional shut-down just the opposite of self-preservation. What a terribly difficult set of things to sort out... I mean, how to deal with a possible loss you're not ready to handle, and awareness of desires that are going ot test your resources and demand a difficult honesty. I do hope you have someone--whether therapist or not--someone to talk to, someone with some maturity and experience.
That you didn't mention your father, assuming he's not in the picture on this. My heart goes out to you... but your reactions ARE normal for your age. I hope you find that inner core of self-trust that will let you find your way through this.

 

I'm not going to say see a therapist/specialist cause like mentioned above it could just be that you need time for your brain to catch up and be all "time to turn the emotions back on now."

I say give it a few months after she's better, let your brain catch up, and then if you still don't feel anything look into seeing someone about it. In the meantime find someone whether it be a RL friend you can sit down and talk with or some internet buddy who'll just listen and talk to them about it. Talk about how you felt when you heard about your mom, how you felt before you shut off your emotions, and just all of that.

Normally just talking it out and really looking into your own self to acknowledge things like that helps in getting your emotions back on track. And again if none of that works and it's been a few months and you still feel nothing check into seeing someone.

P.S.: I'm sorry about your mom, but I'm glad she's doing better.

 

It may be because of different reasons, but I can relate to what your going through. It's a strange feeling to in a way be afraid of yourself, and wondering what type of person you are. I lived in a complete hell for the first 17 and a half years of my life, and somewhere along the line I just lost myself. Even though I never showed it, things were so bad that I was became depressed and suicidal, and hated even staring into my eyes in the mirror, because I think of the eyes as the windows into the soul, and all I saw was darkness. I still feel like that at times when I look into my eyes, but im more use to it now.

Im no longer in that environment, and im starting to regain who I really am (I guess you could call it) but everything that happened to me will always be a part of me, and as bad as it was, parts of it actually shaped me for the better, because I believe experiencing that is what makes me so passionate about combating injustice, helping others and trying to make this world a better place for everyone.

I don't think that your mom getting sick is something anyone can benefit from, and I wasn't implying that, but what im saying is that just because things are dark now, doesn't mean that they won't or can't get brighter. As hard as it can be, and trust me, I know how hard it can be. The only thing that you can really do is fight through this and survive. Things always have the potential to get better. Sometimes on their own, but most of the time by pushing forward. There are always going to be up's and down's, but never lose yourself like I did. Because that almost killed me. But if you have lost yourself, just remember that it's never too late to get yourself back. Even if you feel like it's the end of the road, keep walking, because even if it ends, there will always be another road.

I hope this helped, and im not sure if I should recommend this book or not, because since it will probably hit real close to home for you, im not sure how you will take it, but I read a really good book before that I think you could identify with and might help you because I think in some ways it helped me, (and don't worry, it's not any religious text. Im in no way like that lol) but if your interested, check out a book called "A Monster Calls" by Patrick Ness. It's pretty good, and makes you think without condemning anyone to hell :icon_bigg It might help, but either way good luck and hang in there.

Sorry this is so long.

 

Maybe you should try to see if you can get a Boyfriend or Girlfriend who cares and can make sure you don't do anything bad. Also, it should be someone who you trust and someone who can keep secrets. They might even have ways to make you cheerful.

But nonetheless, you need to tell somebody what's going on. I hope everything is going to be okay for you.

 

i have family history of cancer