So I've told some of my first time stories with a high school friend and a stranger the last year of high school. I didn't have much issue processing this with the high school friend but the experience with the stranger left me perplexed, more than guilty, because I was not expecting that, or at least that early. Then, after a pause of several years of sexual activity, I had that experience on the road with a guy while driving through, not to, a resort type town. I felt almost zero guilt except that I would not have wanted anyone to watch or know, except for a few friends who might not take offense to the details. The event was definitely NOT planned. I did stick around a couple of days and helped myself to more. Why is it that I didn't feel guilt, whereas others do with this sort of thing? I couldn't believe how relaxed I was about it. Is it normal to feel guilt free, or even guilty for others, of sex on the fly, especially earlier on in life?
I would say feelings of guilt or lack thereof are associated with past learned thought processes. For example, many younger people or people raised in very conservative environments will feel guilt based on what their parents or culture taught. Ultimately, you grow and learn to attach your own meaning to things, to include sex. I was raised in an environment were sex was "dirty." How silly is that? For a long time I felt guilty, especially since I wasn't only having sex, I was having gay sex! Fortunately, I am past those old dogmatic teachings.
It's definitelly a cultural thing. I was raised in a very liberal environment, sex was not a tabu in my family and probably because of that I've never experienced these negative emotions (shame) you guys talk about.
I was raised in an environment where sex wasn't discussed and my parents sort of had a "sex is a part of life" attitude which they shrugged off. I got the guilt trip from organized religion. When it happened the time I described above, at around 27, I just asked myself "I'm just rubbing skin with another consenting adult. I don't see what the big deal is." I wonder if there are others here who just shut down the guilt trip on their own, almost like an on-off switch.
I'm sure it totally depends on how you were raised and the "values" you were raised with. I say "values" in quotes because I'm not talking about values in a more traditional sense, like "family values", but more the weight or significance you place on an experience of one kind or another, as well as the context it happened in. For example, I had a couple of near-misses with a girl in college. I felt pretty guilty about it in a way, but I realized eventually that it was because I had a rather high expectation of the role sex played in a traditional relationship and marriage, and felt that what I did wasn't fair to her or to me, because she was a casual acquaintance (well, no acquaintance whatsoever), and I had nothing invested in a relationship with her. To make it worse, SHE took it to be more that I intended and started following me around, which added a certain degree of creepiness to the guilt feelings. But clearly SHE expected that it should mean more, and I WANTED a sexual experience to mean more (but being gay and in the closet, I knew deep down it wouldn't happen anyhow), so I felt that I was leading both of us on, and felt guilty as a result. But if I had an experience today with a random guy, I can't imagine feeling any guilt whatsoever, assuming it was just a hookup. If that was what we were both looking for at the time, so what? Sure, I have the whole religious upbringing that tells me that would be wrong, but with apologies to "Latter Days", if I'm going to go to hell for having sex with a guy, I might as well take the scenic route. I most certainly WOULD feel guilty if it seemed that I was taking advantage of some lonely guy who was hooking up because he felt like that was all he was worth. But if I was hooking up to feel good, no strings, no expectations, I can't imagine even having to shut down the guilt. It just wouldn't be there in the first place.
Yeah, my parents were more strict about other things when it came to right and wrong. As far as women went, the canyon between the guy wanting NSA and the girl wanting a relationship is an issue that comes up for people who have done that. For me, the hassle was more the annoyance than the guilt, because they seemed like willing participants, right down to the suggestive talk and insinuations, and then it took on "But I thought ... " For me, that's a big deterrent in getting comfortable with sex with women. It might mean just sex, or it could mean more. I just hadn't made up my mind. As for "Latter Days," no need to apologize, since I think the hell thing is a control mechanism religions hold over peoples' heads. Your "scenic route" comment is a keeper!
