scared of being sexual

I can't say for certain I have any advice, but I can at least relate in some way. I'm personally scared as well of becoming sexually active. I mean, I do have a sex drive and all, but I'm always nervous about whether it's too big or not, and I don't really feel fully safe with the idea of actually having sexual contact with someone else quite yet (even if I do think about it plenty).

I'm the anxiety-driven type that gets flustered over the idea of kissing, though, so...It may also just be my anxiety.

However...While I don't know what happened when you were younger, I do know that being nervous about being sexual doesn't mean you can't go out with someone. I think you shouldn't be afraid to have a girlfriend just because you're scared to have sex. It's possible if you have a girlfriend, over time, they may be able to help ease your fear. And if not, hopefully you'll at least have someone who's understanding of the dilemma and will be patient with you. But really, while some have told me otherwise, I think you shouldn't be afraid to go out with someone just because you're afraid of sex. Sex isn't everything, at least in my opinion. It's healthy, but a relationship should hopefully involve more then that anyway. You know?

I may be biased though, since I can't touch the person I like anyway at the moment, so it's less troublesome for me for now.

 

do you prefer sex toys?

 

I get nervous when another man can perceive that I am making a pass at him. I have made so many changes in my life from trying to be a good son, to a being a good parent, from loving women, to knowing I was gay and in the closet. The reality is sometimes I still live in my closet and I hide in my bedroom the way I hide between genders. I am looking for the right kind of relationship with a gay man that includes sex, but I know I won't find him until after it has happened.

 

I can relate as well. For a long time I thought I was scared of being gay but I'm not. It's intimacy I'm scared of because I don't think I could be as vulnerable and exposed as I'd have to be during sex.

I think the reason why I don't want to be seen as remotely sexual is because that would mean I have wants and need just like any other person and somehow it would make me imperfect/impure. (Don't ask what makes me think that because I'm sure it has something to do with eating disorders and how my mind works because of them.)

 

I can relate to your situation completely. I've yet to go that far with anyone and my anxiety and self esteem issues make it a challenging issue for me. I have a really strong sex drive and I think about it a lot of course but its different to fantasize and then think of actually doing the deed. However, I have now been with my girlfriend for a year and a half and now that I'm comfortable with her and in love, its still a little scary and nerve wracking but I know she will love what she sees even if I don't, I can definitely see myself doing it and I know once she sees my body and responds positively, I'll be totally fine. My girlfriend however, I can really relate to you. She was raped two or three times by her step-dad in her younger years and she has just recently recovered from years of bulimia so shes still very self conscious especially since she has gained a considerable amount of weight (which I don't mind in the least and I persistently tell her so) and so she's very skittish and scared about sex. So, I'm taking it nice and slow with her. We spent months on just kissing, then months on making out before we got to any kind of touching and just now is she starting to embrace the idea of soon having sex with me. But my only advice to you is, find a girl who loves you and doesn't just lust for you. If she tries to prod you into having sex with her, shes not for you. When you find the right girl, make sure she knows you want to take it slow and then just go with it. As Juneberry said, sex is not everything. Fall in love. Get to know each other. When you find your partner, try to believe her compliments because she isn't saying it for nothing. Realize she will be nervous too and realize if she loves you, she thinks you're beautiful. Take it slow and only do as much as you're comfortable with. Having fears about sex doesn't mean you cannot be with someone. When you fall in love, you'll be much less afraid. Good luck <3

 

I cant exactly say I am in the same boat as you, but I can defiantly relate. Ive struggled with same about my body before, and I too have been sexually taken advantage of (not molested, but fer sure taken advantage of), and so for me it has been really hard trying to be vulnerable that way, and its just like you said, I dont want to be perceived that way and it gives me anxiety.

What I will say, is that like you, I am talking it out, especially with my partner, and we have a great sex life. Its important I think that you explore the discomfort you are experiencing right now with your body image, because I think that may be where your shame lies with sex and sexuality as well.

Just remember,
You are in control
You can decide when or when not to be vulnerable again
And You are the ultimate solution to your problems.
Just gotta believe in yourself dearie!

Sending much love and warmth, *hugs*

 

That's how I feel about it too, and I feel so stupid for feeling that way. I'm out to most as asexual because of it, even though I'm really gay.