Is this even the right place for this? whatever I just feel so disconnected from the world right now. I wake up, go to school, sleep during class, go home, sleep, repeat. I'm doing poorly in a lot of my classes, mostly from not turning things in. I'm just so tired all the time and cant motivate myself to do anything. I feel disappointment every time I wake up and spend the day longing for a deep sleep. Even having my best friend in nearly all my classes isn't helping. We sit away from each other during most of them and when we do sit together she always has other people around that she's friends with too. I just sit there and listen to them for the entire class period. She's like a different person when she's with other people, more mature and teenager-ish and I can no longer relate to her. When it's just us we're like a couple of kids, pretending to fight zombies, playing Batman, throwing Pocky sticks at each other. It makes me realize how much more mature she is. She's already driving, trying to get a job, and looking for a date to prom; while I haven't even gotten my permit or attempted any of the others. I've failed the permit test 4 times now. I think the last one might of partially been on purpose. I'm terrified of driving and believe that my first time on the road will kill me or someone else. My mother is really pushing it though, says I have to get over my fear and hurry up and get a license. She's been saying that a lot lately, get over it. My fear of talking to new people, anxiety issues, social awkwardness; those aren't things that I can just get over. I'm living day by day. I wake up not knowing what's going on or what I have due. My friend says she's jealous of my ability to not care about anything, that she wishes she could live like I do. I don't respond when she says this. I don't respond to a lot of things now a days. when asked how my day went, what I'm thinking, what I want to do in a few years; I have nothing to say. Sometimes I do feel like saying things though. There's this girl who sits next to me in Spanish, she's a senior and really nice. Every class she helps me and tries to converse with me, but I always respond to her non-verbally. I worry that she thinks I'm a rude person and even tried to apologize once, but I chickened out. Now she doesn't talk to me as much. I have a week till my first therapist appointment and I'm unsure how to feel about this. Maybe I'll benefit from it, maybe not. my mother thinks I'll be all fixed up afterwards. She shouldn't get her hopes up.
You pattern sounds remarkably similar to mine. I feel like there's no point in doing anything. The world is so dark and full of hatred. So much misinformation and lies...what chance does one voice seeking peace have, right? In some ways, I'm luckier than you, because I live alone. I don't have the social pressures of family or mother hounding me and pushing me. I don't have teachers chasing after me. I can literally do what I want. But actually that freedom is a very bad thing. Because there's relatively no one who can help me, and push me to doing things. I feel like I'm worth very little. ... Look from my perspective, you have everything to live for. If you're going to be numb, fine, be numb, but don't spoil your future for that. You might as well be constructive whilst being numb. Like you, I have an inner child within me. I've been told by teachers all over the world to let it go. It's too much of a struggle to balance the adult and child within you. But I'll say, the ability to see the world from a child's perspective is something beautiful that you'll come to cherish - if you retain it. Right now, i'm sure it's confusing for you, because your peers are acting oh so adult. But life is a competition only so far as you understand the only person you compete with that matters is yourself. ---- Life changes, and like yourself, I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I'm stuck in a foreign country that I pretty much hate. I got bullied at work and left due to depression. I know what I should technically do, I just have no motivation to do it. But i'm realising that there's no such thing as a magic pill. Ultimately it will take massive effort from both ourselves to get out of this ditch. I can't really preach at you, or help you, I suppose. I'm just empathising with you. But, let's try and do something about our situation, bit by bit, OK?
