Hi there. First I would like to apologise in case I accidentally offend anyone. Some days I think I am capable of having lesbian sex. Some other days like today it terrifies me. Why is rhis? I also have feelings of defensiveness or feel vulnerable around people who I think are attracted to me or where I feel they want to have sex with me. For example, I have a friend coming down this Thursday. Girl who I love to bits, but she was my first experience with a girl too which was a bit awkward and I couldn't do anything more than kiss, so at times I am excited because I think "yay - let's make up for the first time" and at other times like right now the thought of having sex with her is making me so anxious and nervous and sick. I think she is attractive but I am not attracted to her, but I am not aware of whether I am attracted to any women or whether it's just abstract. I can't tell, because my attractions forthe men I like are so intense ( but I can't tell if they are truly genuine either, because of what I've read on this about real attractions, but they do feel real, but I can forget about them too....). I'm just freaking out because I finally thought I was trying to be more comfortable with this. And I thought I finally was at a stage where I was more comfortable with letting things happen naturally. :icon_sad:
Maybe you're just not ready. That's okay. Maybe you just don't know what you like? For example, in her video 'Things I Hate About Gays' (just a rant about the community, she's gay), Arielle Scarcella says, "For the longest time I didn't think I was gay because I didn't look at girls wanting to f... them like my guy friends did. And then I discovered tops and bottoms and... it all made sense." But definitely don't let anyone push you into anything. You can do as you like and you can change your mind.
^ Are these feelings mutual? I think what you're experiencing is normal. When I first starting questioning my sexuality, I was terrified to experiment with women, but not so much with men. As I got older, I started to realize that my attraction for women was much more intense then with men. So, for me, that was a huge clue in regards of determining my sexual orientation. I had my first real girl on girl experience with my best friend, which was a huge relief because I'd known her for years. However, we only dated for six month because I freaked out and started dating a guy (who is now the father of my kids.) I didn't want to face the truth about my desire for women, so I made room in my closet and stayed there for many years. I think you know what it is that you want, but self-doubt/denial can be overpowering. What helped me the most when figuring out my sexuality was realizing how I felt being around women and men. Being around women was electrifying, while being around men was okay. There were times when I'd be hanging out with a guy and things would be going great, but I was secretly wishing that he was a girl. In the end, I discovered that I could connect with women more on an emotional/romantic and sexual level. I finally feel fulfilled, although, I am still working out the kinks. If you want to overcome your fears, you must confront them. If possible, try seeking out a woman that you find attractive. Or you could always imagine yourself being with a woman and not just sexually, how does it make you feel? What about being with a guy? You could always make a list of all the qualities that you'd want in a potential partner, man or woman and go from there. If anything, don't rush to figure out everything, give yourself a break. I mean, I practically obsessed about my sexuality and it made me very unpleasant to be around. I was so pent up with frustration that I took my anger out on everyone. However, they had/have no idea how much I was/am struggling to accept who I am. For me, it is an everyday process; I go to bed and wake up with the same insecurities, but things are improving. So, if I were you, I'd just let everything go and relax; everything will fall into place, trust me