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Conversion Therapy

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Robben, Nov 28, 2013.

  1. Robben

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    Hello,

    In my twenties and thirties I spent twenty years in therapy just listening to him tell me I was straight. I was confused and stayed confused, thinking of all these techniques to allow eroticism to finally deliver a man to my bedroom. Most of the time I was comfortable with a bisexual identity. However, in my case that was misleading as I suffered through trauma in most of the heterosexual affairs I was involved in. I came out of the closet when my Father died, and I stopped visiting the therapist I was seeing. He depicted my entire sexual discourse as a perversion. As a result my times of partnering up in gay affairs has been sparse with different stages of intimacy, attraction, and affection involved. Yet, I have a sentimental value placed on the therapy I under went. As if it were useful when I felt misunderstood. In some ways he helped me to encounter my fears of the opposite sex. I was still a virgin until I was twenty one. While I may have learned that I have to own my actions from him, I feel in my more recent treatment with a gay therapist the pieces of the puzzle have been put together for me in regards to what my initial fear in coming out of the closet, and identifying myself as a homosexual had been. I am liberating in middle age with a gay heart who wants to put his own doubts aside. There were many people whose standards I forced myself to live up to. Knowing that I am gay and aspire to same sex relationships has not let me down, while my journey has taken a toll of a passive resistance. I am willing now to take a stand and proclaim that homosexuality is glorious and beautiful.:icon_bigg
     
  2. Tightrope

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    I thought the thread was about conversion therapy, and some of the negativity you experienced is found in conversion therapy to bring about guilt. So your story sounds like a journey, and one that has unfolded in chapters.

    The Protestants have folded their Exodus effort and have even apologized for the harm they have done, though some churches still run this effort. The other main religions encountered in the U.S., except Islam, to my awareness, have not folder their efforts, with desired outcomes varying from abstinence to a complete change. All of these are hurtful to those participating, especially those that push a complete change, because it pulls in another party.

    The "entire sexual discourse as a perversion" was hurtful. I'm assuming this was somewhere around NYC. I am surprised that this even happened in such a context, and I am sorry to hear that someone unnecessarily inflicted such a wound.
     
    #2 Tightrope, Nov 28, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2013
  3. Chip

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    To be precise, ex-gay/conversation/reparative therapies tend to bring about shame rather than guilt. Difference being, guilt is "I did something bad", shame is "I am bad." Particularly referring to your sexual discourse as a "perversion"... hard to take that in any other manner than extremely shaming.

    Even 20 years ago... that therapist should have his or her license yanked. The DSM hasn't considered homosexuality a "perversion" since the early 1970s, and what you experienced was clearly malpractice.

    Robben, if you haven't already, I strongly recommend you check out Brené Brown's TED talk videos "The Power of Vulnerability" and "Listening to Shame" on Youtube. I'd also strongly suggest her book "Daring Greatly" and/or "The Gifts of Imperfection." While her work isn't aimed solely at LGBT people, the focus of her work is on shame and vulnerability, and her work is particularly relevant and powerful for people such as yourself that have spent a long time dealing with shame (and in your case, being shamed) for who they are.
     
  4. Tightrope

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    Interesting. So, "shame" is at the core. Guilt could be linked, as in "if I'm bad, then I reinforce that by doing bad things, and feel guilty about them." I see it as a vicious cycle.
     
  5. Chip

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    No, the above would still be shame, because the underlying belief is that you're a bad person *because* you keep doing bad things. People who have their shame under control realize that *all* of us do bad things now and then, but it doesn't make us bad people.

    Shame exists in all of us, but we can make ourselves resilient to it. We can't be resistant without losing vulnerability, which is crucial to connection.

    We become resilient to it by speaking shame... talking about the things we're ashamed of, and asking for what we need; practicing critical awareness... being aware of the things around us that shame us, such as media and culture; recognizing our own shame triggers; and reaching out to others that have earned the right to hear our stories when we are in shame.

    Once you start doing the above, you actually change the shame dialog inside you and break the ongoing cycle.
     


  6. from personal exerience - even more than shame PTSD

     
  7. Tightrope

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    You bet. I would say that it could possibly cause PTSD. And that some religions have a harsher programs than others, and cause PTSD.
     
  8. Robben

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    I felt shame trying to attach myself hetero-sexually. Fortunately my partner understood I was gay as she provided some direction in my coming out. She viewed it as kind of a skill. My present therapist is gay and I come out to him. My former therapist worked with my family in instilling guilt and shame. Now that I am out I feel content with a new freedom and happiness that is completely my own. Thanks for the comments
     
  9. Lindsey23

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    My high school therapist did this to me. He was in his 60's when I saw him and I think he had some old school views on the topic. In spite of him telling me that he had no problem with homosexuality. This was 20 years ago too and times were different then. But I totally understand the shaming. While I was out as bisexual in high school I went back into the closet after I graduated and felt ashamed for who I was and I was embarrassed that I had come out earlier. I left therapy feeling like there was something really wrong with me and that I had to hide it. Coming to EC and talking to my current therapist has helped me to understand who I really am and that I'm not this fundamentally flawed person. But I spent so many years until now confused as hell. I'm glad your new therapist has been so helpful.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Dec 2013 at 10:59 AM ----------

    Watching Brene Brown's TED talks and reading one of her books was what convinced me to come out to my therapist. I had no intention of doing that when I started therapy. Brene Brown is brilliant.