Ok ok so this has yet to go as far as the 40 year old Virgin, but still... So I am a virgin. Before I came out to myself and friends I had no real interest in having sex. To be honest, I was so consumed with just having a job and friends that sex never crossed my mind. In high school and college people were having sex left and right, and I was the friend who no one knew if he had had sex or not. I didn't have girls or guys crawling up on me so I just kept making friends. But now I am 26. Things have changed, especially with the acceptance of my homosexuality. I went out with some new gay friends and experienced my first gay bar, which was basically sex on a stick. And it was clear I was gettin hot and bothered. But I don't want to have sex just to have sex. I guess it makes me super old-school, but I at least want sex to be memorable. And another part is just this general fear of sex as being this definite action that can't be erased...what if my experience sucks? Anyone else share my story? Any advice?
Well, I'm 20-almost 21, and I feel the same way. To me, I feel like I'm some freak because everyone seems to be having sex. I thought I'd have some friends who were in my group, but since they are straight they, you know, didn't have to wait for it like we have to. That's always been my thing...my friends get to experience everything, and I'm stuck. I think that, for you, you'll have to make a concession somewhere. So, either you open up more (maybe try dating? Online?) or you just go and find someone nice to have sex with. I don't think you can remain scared, worried, etc, and expect it to happen. I feasibly could be a virgin forever if I keep acting like I am now. Eventually, something has to give. So....maybe figure out what's comfortable for you?
IMO, you're smart, not old-school, and I agree with you. I don't see it as a fear at all. EDIT: oh yeah, and I'm a virgin, too. Heck, I haven't even ever dated. But that's another (not-so-happy) story... >.<
dont have any advice but dont worry, if you keep just being you someone will come along one day. dont give in to the 'pressure' if you go to gay bars more often. just keep being you, its totally fine if you want your experience to be memorable. nothing wrong with what youre doing at all im 22 soon and yet to give it all away so dont feel bad! everyone is different, some lose it early some lose it later nothing wrong with it at all
I'm fairly sure I can relate! Took most of my teens and early twenties just to figure out I was gay in the first place. Then I spent the time from age 25 to 26 mostly coming out an getting used to being out. Took my sweet time at finding a guy to fall for (and who fell in turn for me). And even then we were both the cautious type so we didn't hop into bed right away. So by the time I actually got around to sex I was 29. And "getting around to it" is pretty much the right term here. It didn't really feel like I was waiting for it (let alone gagging for it). Before I figured out my sexuality, I had enough projects to keep myself occupied with. And after I finally figured out why girls didn't do it for me, there was just a steady progression of new things to try before getting to being barenaked with another boy. And when I got around to it, it was pretty much the right time. We'd talked about it, discussed things we wanted to try, things we didn't want to do, and things we wanted to try but not just yet. At that point, all that was left to do was to get on with it. Did everything happen exactly as planned? Nothing ever does. But in the end, I have extremely good memories of it. So... I don't think you're odd or old school here. You're moving on at your own pace and don't let anyone tell you you're going too fast or too slow. Keep coming out and meeting new people until you find someone that you have a click with and who feels the same way back (a hint: if they insist on sex, they aren't the right person). Discuss thoughts and desires (and if they have ever slept with someone: experiences) and when you feel like you're OK with having a go: go for it! One other important point: don't get caught up in wanting perfection either. It's normal to discover that something you thought would be totally hot doesn't work that well in reality ("excuse me, that position plants your elbow right in my face!" ). There's a lot of crawling around while sweaty involved and then your arm falls asleep halfway because he's lying on top of it and then you suddenly realise how hilariously silly it really is and you spend 10 minutes laughing together. In fantasy, people tend to imagine themselves as teleporting gymnasts, while in reality they're anything but. But that's quite alright, really. In the end, odds are you'll remember the hilarious fumbling better than when everything went as planned. And the most important thing to make it memorable is that you're doing it with someone that makes you think "wow, I can't believe I'm doing this with this awesome guy!". tldr: yeah, I can relate. And you do seem to be on the right track!
Filip thanks for the advice. It's nice to see that sometimes both people in the relationship are in that weird awkward, anxious stage with sex. It makes me glad to know that! And the comment on perfection is hilarious and, frankly, believable. Hollywood and porn certainly make it look so easy and romantic...but I'm sure that is never the case in reality! Thanks guys for the advice. I think for now I am just going to meet new people and get more comfortable with my sexuality. If something ends up happening, then it does and I know it is because I was comfortable with it. Until then, I have nothing to worry about!
I think it's very commendable of you to want to wait until you have someone you can have sex with and have it be meaningful. I know from my own experiences that being patient is not always easy. Good luck!
Feh. I'm a year older than you, and I've never had sex, either. Dated plenty, received and given hand jobs and oral, but penetrative sex? No. No, thank you for offering, but no. Every time. Why? Because while I look at porn and have sexual fantasies same as everybody else, I just can't picture myself doing that with another human being, and that is the biggest thing I'm going to have to get over if I'm ever to find out if I'm even sexual in the first place, let alone gay, bi, or straight. Second is being seen naked by another adult human person. I don't even like seeing myself naked, not that I'm in particularly bad shape, so how the hell can I expect others to like what they see? I can't, that's how. Rate I'm going, I really will be a 40 year old virgin, and you know what? I don't care. I'm an introvert, so I already have that reducing the chances I'll ever meet someone I could possibly stand to do it with as I need more alone time than with other people time, and I think I might be more than a little bit of a misanthrope. I try to see good in the world, I really do, but then people all over the world do something incredibly stupid and my faith in humanity dies a little more each day. That said, I'm not sure I want to subject any children to the utterly asinine things that happen every single day in this world, be that born of my union of with a woman, a test tube baby who seeks me out for acknowledgement years later, or adopting someone else's offspring. Still, your reasons for not wanting to have sex (and straight or not, I never could understand most people's desire to lose their virginity as soon as possible) are quite admirable. Well done for holding out this long and good luck in finding someone with whom you'll find your first time with as special and memorable as you want it to be.
Necrose...I found your post humorous and comforting. I feel the same way about penetrative sex. I need to get comfortable with the idea of it. I think porn has hurt my perception of sex and in some ways made me even more afraid to have sex. I just need to get more comfortable with just being around guys. It's not like I am rushing to do it with anyone, but I do see the need to relax a bit. That doesn't mean sex...just that I need to relax around guys. I'm not sure I have the fortitude to accept the 40 year old virgin for my life. That movie in a way corrupted me so much because I was afraid of being a joke because I was a virgin. I mean, I have been made fun of for being a virgin, but never took it to heart because it wasn't that important to me. But I do want a family at some point, and even though it won't come from sex, some part of me sees the need for sex in establishing a relationship strong enough to support a family. Is that valuing sex too much?
I'm in the same boat only 29. I was in a terrible depression about this when I was 26 I was really at the lowest stage in my life and thought I was basically a complete failure if I couldn't even manage this basic fundamental part of being human. I did everything I could to distract myself from what a monumental fuck up I was including spending all my time online, sleeping a lot and basically hating myself all the time. At my lowest point I tried ayahuasca which is a hallucinogen as I read that you could get a spiritual connection through it and my life felt completely void of any spiritual connection. I learnt a lot from the experience in particular the importance of loving myself and how little we know about anything I was raised atheist and although not militant always accepted it but I began to reevaluate that stance. I started to go to the gym and read a lot of books on spirituality. When I was 27-28 I ended up having a one night stand with a woman on holiday except... I couldn't get erect, so I basically had my chance and blew it. You can imagine how that felt she was beautiful and sexy, I was a late twenties virgin. Life was pretty bleak. But I kept going to the gym and got involved in online dating, I met a nice girl not the most beautiful but nice personality but most importantly I put myself out there and opened myself up to rejection. I was really badly bullied when I was younger and it left an indelible imprint that I was a piece of shit that nobody could possibly ever love, I remember when I was younger I would just think that there was no way anyone could ever conceivably want to be with someone like me. I think the gym actually helped me with that. We tried to have sex once but I couldn't get erect.. again. Then one day I noticed I was checking out a guy and it all clicked into place. I cried for a week or two and broke up with the girlfriend. I then tried to get out and meet a few men on ******. I met a few guys I really fancied but couldn't get an erection. I have never watched porn in my life I always thought that after sex porn would make more sense to me and I would understand the dating game more but I realise now that I was watching the wrong type of porn and now I am slowly awakening a very dormant part of myself that I have brutally suppressed. Now I can feel the desire rising everyday Hopefully it will be soon it's been a long road.
