1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Trouble having sex (first experience)

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by qwe, Jan 7, 2014.

  1. qwe

    qwe
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2014
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    So I recently accepted I was gay (at the age of nearly 30) and have been seeing a guy I like a few times. Last time we got together we got chatting, cuddling and then he took my pants off and went to jerk me off, he really went for it but though I enjoyed it I just remained dry I desperately wanted to cum and think he was a bit disappointed I couldn't. Then he wanted to jerk him off but I was just so scared of putting his thing in my mouth, I did in the end but only really briefly.

    After that he tried to give me anal, my butt was so tight though he couldn't even get in (even using lube)! I really felt like an idiot after that couldn't believe it would be so difficult. I mean I really wanted him to do it but was just really nervous couldn't shake it off.

    We're still talking but I really don't see any kind of relationship developing after that :frowning2:
    I think he'd give it another go but I'm scared the same thing will happen. He's a really nice guy, but obviously don't expect him to have unlimited patience.

    Is there anything I can do to help him? Muscle relaxant? Or just any tips on over coming nerves? I'm less nervous each time I meet him, but afraid he'll give up before I super relaxed with him.
     
  2. Gazza123

    Gazza123 Guest

    Well even though I have ZERO experience in the relationship /! sex department I'll give it a shot.

    Basically its probably nerves just getting the better of you and it sounds like you're both rushing from one thing to the next.

    Chat-cuddle-jerk off-anal

    It sounds like it was all a very 'in the moment' type of situation so maybe you just need to slow things down a bit. Talk to each other, explain how your feeling and help each other move forward.

    'Sex' is probably a nervous thing but don't worry. Patience and time will solve it... especially when it comes to anal... I think

    From my lack of experience I'm basically just going off what I would do if I was in the same situation.

    :slight_smile:
     
  3. TJ

    TJ
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2011
    Messages:
    1,833
    Likes Received:
    299
    Location:
    Lawrence, KS
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If this is a guy you're going to have sex with, this should also be a guy that you can talk to about these things.
    You're nervous, yes. To me, that's what is preventing you from having anal sex/doing other things. You're just nervous.

    Yes, you can get to know this guy, but you will always be nervous the first few times. It's just a given.

    But, like I said. Talk to him about this stuff. Explain that you're nervous, but you hope it doesn't interfere with your relationship, and that you want to get better about it, but the only way to do that is to try and try again.

    As far as muscle relaxants go - No. Don't worry about them.
    The best thing you can do is experiment with yourself anally. Figure out what it takes to relax yourself. Even then, you might be too nervous the first few times to do much.

    If you've still got any questions/concerns, just ask again and I'll try to answer. I'm freezing cold and my brain is just firing away what it can right now, haha.
     
  4. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    Hey guy - ok - while I'm not one of those guys who's had hundreds of partners, I've been out and about for over 20yrs now and have my share of notches in the bedpost. Hopefully the below will be helpful...

    a) First and foremost - take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Now do it again. Now forgive yourself for being nervous. It's totally natural and normal to be nervous your first time, even more so if you've only recently accepted yourself. No need to beat yourself up about it and if this guy is worth your time he'll be understanding, patient, and supportive as he shows you the ropes.

    b) Slow it down - I don't know how onboard you were with everything you described but frankly it sounds like you're rushing things a bit. You don't need to try everything on the sex menu in one sitting (unless you really want to - want in this case meaning it just feels right to go for it, you aren't feeling nervous or your horniness is pretty much overwhelming the nerves or the like).

    Next time consider moving from cuddling to making out with the clothes on until you're so turned on that you're the one wanting to rip the clothes off (you can have a lot of fun playing/touching/grinding with clothes on btw). Your guy should guide you (since he's presumably more experienced) but also let you kind of set the pace here.

    c) There's more than one way to...Ok, so you're both naked now. Keep up the whole hugging/kissing/grinding thing - it feels good skin to skin too after all. More to the point, consider either just jerking off together (doing yourselves while watching porn and talking about the film/what your feeling/offering encouragement/talking dirty) or doing mutual JO at first. This gets you used to each other, and gets you used to being naked with a guy, having him touch you, etc. If doing mutual, don't be afraid to express what you're liking or what you'd like him to do a little differently. Don't be afraid to experiment with what you're doing to him. There's a lot more to it than just back-forth, back-forth. Change speed, grip, angle, etc. and see how he reacts. If he looks like he's getting close, slow it down. Torture him a bit. And let him do it to you too. Make the goal to have fun and just enjoy the sensations you're giving each other, not to just cum.

    If, at the end of it all, he comes and you haven't yet, it's not the end of the world. He can hold you while you finish off, finish you off if it's feeling like that will happen, etc.

    Above all, don't feel like you'v somehow failed if you don't come just from his efforts. All you're going to do is psych yourself out.

    From there, consider exploring oral. Let him do to you and enjoy but also pay attention to what he's doing since you presumably want to do it back. Again communication in both directions is key. If putting him in your mouth makes you nervous, perhaps consider why it does (because of cleanliness concerns? A hot steamy shower with a buddy is a good way to attack that. Because of the whole dominance thing? Have him lay down and you be above him (plus with practice, you can totally control a guy and make him beg just via oral - YOU are dominating in that situation). Because of concerns he'll come in your mouth? That's partly an issue of communication and partly of trust. You need to talk out what sort of signal he'll give that he's about to shoot or the like. Etc.

    Anal is something that really needs a whole evening by itself for a first time IMHO. You need to be very comfortable with him and take it slow with lots of lube. Probably something I'd recommend trying after you've been doing mutual JO and oral together several times and are really comfortable with it. You might also start with fingering rather than full anal (there are a LOT of nerves back there and if you start associating anal play with pleasure, you'll find that the anticipation of that that and whatever full anal can bring will combat issues of nerves.

    All that said, don't be surprised that no matter how much you may want him inside you the first time - the muscles back there aren't going to have got the memo. Again, take it slow, no rush, no hurry, anal play, lots of lube, and probably a position (on your sides, or you on top) where its easier to control the speed and depth of penetration. Solo play with a toy can also help you get used to the sensations, used to relaxing, and used to doing it in a non-pressured situation. You can even move to having him use the toy on you before he puts himself in if you want. Again, no hurry.

    With practice, you can reach a point where you can relax the relevant muscles as easily as shifting your weight from foot to foot and will be able to take a guy on a moments notice and with ease if you want to. But you have to start at the beginning just like any other exercise or sport. Oh, and if its hurting, you're not doing it right - don't believe the porn thing of the agony of anal that than turns into super pleasure if you just keep at it. Stop, apply more lube, regroup, and try again, if that happens.

    Don't underestimate the power of a romantic setting either if that's the sort of thing that gets your motor running.

    Finally, don't make coming the main goal of sex, make the journey to coming the main focus of your attention. Some guys find it really easy to come with a partner, others don't. Most likely at this point it's just first time nerves for you. But even if you are a guy who has a hard time finishing just from someone else's efforts (I'm one of those), sex can be lots of fun.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd :thumbsup:
     
  5. qwe

    qwe
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2014
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Ok, thanks for the replies that puts me a bit more at ease.
    Hoping to meet him tonight just for a social though.
    I feel bad I guess because I met him under a false pretense, he'd finished in a long relationship a few months back and was just looking to have 'fun'. I met him knowing this and didn't say anything to him until we met, was really surprised at how well he took it and was happy to see me again after that night.
    Just a few things to clarify as well:
    We're not "together" as such, I want to ask him out tbh but have only met him a few times and still not sure he'll say yes (esp after that night), but I know he's attracted to me and likes me as a person which I guess is in my favour
    With the whole naked thing - I didn't mind him being naked at all (in fact I quite liked it!), but I felt uncomfortable naked tbh, even though he liked my body, I'm v skinny and trying to bulk up
    Also I know I'm relaxing the more I meet him, first time we met I could barely kiss him now I really enjoy the whole kissing/ cuddling thing and look forward to it.
    Sex is quite important to him in a relationship though and scared he'll run out of patience. With the whole oral thing - again when he did it to me it was great - but I guess I just didn't really like the sensation of having his in my mouth it wasn't fair for him to give to me and not return it though, so I'll try it again, now I've done it once it will hopefully be easier. It just seemed like such an alien thing to do last time and he encouraged me loads before I did it.

    To summarise I feel like I've met the right guy at the wrong point in my life, I'd had my worst day at work ever before we met so was already so tense and wound up much more than normal. The other thing is - though he seems keen on me it's always me messaging him (he always replies though). He invited me out for this evening with his housemates but think he'll forget to message me the details tbh, not sure when it gets to 4/4:30 if I should text and ask if I haven't heard, don't want to seem pushy or desperate.