First thread I've started. .... Nervous. (Yes, I've read the big, old self-injury thread) I'm bipolar, with anxiety, and been having major problems for the last few months. To the point where I haven't worked in nearly three months (my boss is insanely understanding). My main problem at this point is the overwhelming depression (I'm on medication, just started a new one). However... I'm a cutter. I have been for years and years, but I've also gone multiple years without doing it at all. In the last three months, it's gotten to the point where it's 2-3 times a week. It's gotten to the point where I'm doing things that I never thought I'd do, and... Well, I haven't been a member here very long and I'm not sure what advice I'd get here that I haven't heard from numerous people, but... I just need to get it out, yunno? The online community that I normally talk to about these problems has recently begun... Well, I feel like I'll be scolded and lectured if I say anything about this. So I'm saying it here, where no one really knows me. I've always been... creative... when it comes to cutting implements. ... More just "desperate", I guess. But I've hit a low I didn't even know I had, in that regard. Two weeks ago I stole a razor from my best friend's bathroom (I don't think she even knows it's gone). ... It turned out to be dull. So today, while running an errand for my mom, I secretly bought a cheap pack of shaving razors. I hid them in my purse and I'm going to have to actively hide them from my mom, who I live with. I just... I feel guilty and ashamed and confused, and yet... Not enough to tell mom or my friend. Most of my past cutting implements came from work (where I harmed myself most often), and now that I'm not working I feel... trapped. There's nothing in this house to harm with. And I *do* try to use my bajillion coping skills (reading, music, writing, tv, talking to people, etc etc) but lately it's been getting to that "too late, nothing works, must cut" stage really really fast. And I just feel like I *need* these razors around, just in case, 'cause... hurting myself to calm down is better then being caught in a hysterical anxiety attack with no way out. Anyways, thanks for reading.
Ok I will respond more in a second, but first are you speaking to a therapist or psychiatrist? Second, besides having an understanding boss, is there something at work that triggers you since you said you cut most at work? Help me understand these questions.
I haven't much to advise with but I can tell you that cutting becomes an addiction. Just as any other addiction, it drives you for more and the more you do it the more it takes control. Perhaps doing some reading on addiction management can help? There are always underlying issues that gnaw away at us and will need to be explored, but finding a less harmful outlet and potentially gateway one is always a needed step. It takes a lot of effort to break the habit but it's worth it. Most folks will suggest you tackle the underlying causes, which is fair and true. But to steer away from cutting right now, treat it like an addiction. If you can understand that the underlying causes are forcing you to find an outlet, then you have the insight to recover. Do some googling on recovery steps, hopefully it will help. Goodluck
I talk to a peer-support specialist every week, at least once a week. Been in and out of therapy for years, currently out because of the stupid legal red-tape that, at least in my state, prevents patients from getting more then 6 sessions a year. My case manager is currently getting the paperwork done to get me into DBT therapy. I also see a psychiatrist once a month for medication monitoring (I'm on three meds for bipolar and anxiety), and the newest medication, Limictal, was increased in dose just last week. The work thing... Is something even therapy hasn't helped me understand. For roughly 5 years now. I get MEGA anxious at work, no matter what the situation, what task I'm doing, who I'm working with... I swear I've gone through every single variable I can think of, with the help of therapists and my peer support, and I honestly don't know why I get so upset/anxious at work. Especially since I'm part-time and only have to work 4 hours a day, 3 days a week. *headdesks* I do go to a weekly group/meeting called Seeking Safety, which is geared towards substance abuse and ADHD. I was informed about the group because of the focus on ways to control different addictions and such. I admit that it *does* help, I feel safe there and I can and have talked about my self-harming there, and many of the people there have struggled with it as well. I have received many packets on different ways to tackle addiction, things to do when you feel like you might slip up, etc etc. Thank you for reminding me of how useful that might be right now, Twizzler. I need to go back through some of those packets.
Do you "catastrophize" everything with situations? Think it will be the end of the world? I do that. You know the cure? Adopting the "fuck it life will go on" mentality. Also as someone on Lamictal it works wonders for me.
I also struggle with self injury and was misdiagnosed as bipolar for a while so while I don't know what it's like to have bipolar, I've been through a lot of the meds and treatment that come with it. I am REALLY glad your case worker brought up DBT. It was the first thing that came to mind after reading about your situation. That's what I'm in right now and it's been life saving. I don't know how much you know about it but in individual therapy, DBT therapists are required to be reachable at all times on the phone so you can call them when you're feeling suicidal or ready to self-injure and they can talk you through it and give you skills in the moment. I think with self-injury it's important to have someone else there reminding you what you can do instead. Packets and handouts don't always suffice for me. Please let me know how the DBT goes. I hope you'll find it tremendously helpful.
Hi there, I battled cutting (and still battle depression and some anxiety issues) I am sure since you have a therapist you have been told that its actually pretty common (I thought I was the only one before counselling) and that its simply a symptom of anxiety and a 'coping method' (albeit a somewhat messed up one some of us steer towards when others don't work) What helped me a little was finding other coping methods for anxiety attacks and emotional meltdowns which is sounds like you have (you mentioned reading, walks etc) One that did help a little for my was a breathing exercise where my feet were placed flat on the floor sitting on a chair, eyes closed, deep breaths and with each exhale imagining roots growing out from the bottom of my feet into the ground holding me there and grounding me. It sounded cookey when my counsellor told me that the point of 'needing' to cut often happens because we feel like we are spinning off out of control and going to explode if we don't do *something* I say that helped a little but there were still those moments where it was just TOO MUCH and nothing else helped but cutting What finally helped me to stop was replacing the cutting with another activity that caused a slight amount of pain, just enough to release the endorphins that cutting does but something not harmful. I tried an elastic on my wrist and snapping it but it wasn't enough. What finally did work for me (and what I still do on those rare moments I want to cut) was holding an ice cube in my hand tight. It's darn cold and starts to hurt and when it hurts and makes my hand all red I find I can breath finally which was what cutting always did was allowed me to breath and calm down in those awful moments. Hope that gives you a couple new ideas to try, it often takes a lot of suggestions for one thing to work for you Also just wanted to add that razors were my norm as well and I wanted to remind you that when you do slip up and cut try to make sure it's always a new razor each time...they carry a lot of germs and I once used my own razor I had used to shave and just washed it...ended up with an infection : S If you want to chat or need someone to vent to more I am always happy to listen hun ---------- Post added 13th Jan 2014 at 10:24 AM ---------- sorry for spelling and grammar errors, typing on my partially broken phone lol
*hugs everyone for the replies* I'm glad to see support here, and that I'm not the only one even on this forum who struggles with this. I won't go into the long details that I did in my blog and other forum, but last night I had a pretty intense meltdown, possibly the worst episode to date (and that's seriously saying something)... over a half hour of uncontrollable, hysterical, non-stop crying, sobbing so hard I was nearly screaming just noises, literally unable to speak or even move well enough to use any type of coping skills... It was *really* scary, both for me and my mom who tried so hard to calm me down. I was shaking and rocking and gnawing on my teddy bear and pulling at my hair... And I literally couldn't *move* to get music, or read, or even get up to watch tv, or... anything. Eventually I ended up cutting, a lot, and that slowly calmed me down. There were emotional talks with mom, then more talks with my case manager and peer support today, got an emergency appt. with my med-doctor for tomorrow... I really *am* thankful for all the advice I've gotten in this thread. Right now, I just don't know what to *do* with any of it. After last night, I'm just plain scared, scared of that happening again, 'cause how can I stop it from happening when I have no clue what triggered it? *sigh* I really don't know why I'm even saying all this.
You need an outlet that's why you're saying this. We're here. What were you doing prior to the episode? And again what happens at work right before you cut? Help me try to help you by telling us what's going on just before.
Awww sweetie I am so sorry you are having such a tough time! Does the therapists/counsellors office you see allow you (or your mom even) to call in for emergency advice/visits?? Some do and some don't, my opinion is really that all should! I am glad you have a support in your mom while you deal with all of this. I agree with the pp that you likely have a trigger, or several, that you just aren't aware of yet. I remember feeling scared, ashamed, guilty and angry with myself but most of all ALONE. I know it is said over and over but please know that you are not alone and there is nothing *wrong* with you for having a hard time mentally/emotionally. Curious if perhaps the reason you have trouble at work more is a social anxiety?? Do you tend to suffer from social difficulties in general? Also wondering...you mentioned you are on several medications? I have to ask due to my own bad experience with a medication whether you had more or less of these episodes prior to the medications? I am not sure if sharing my experiences helps you...hope you don't think I am saying its no big deal cause I had a hard time too cause that's totally not it!...I just know that it helped me to know I was not the only one when I was at my worst. with that in mind I am happy to share more of my experiences with you anytime, just say the word. And again always here to listen as many others on here will be, just post away about whatever if it helps you xx
I'm hoping talking to doctor/etc tomorrow might shed some light on the "why" of what happened, because I'm at a loss. Just like most other evenings, I was in mom's room for awhile watching tv with her, and then I came online and visited some of my usual sites (my mom thinks very strongly that "something bad happened on that computer" because that's pretty much her reaction *every* time I get anxious/depressed in the evening, and the whole "it's not always about the computer" argument has been had many many times)... Anyways, then I went back in mom's room to watch some more tv but I was restless, couldn't stay still, started feeling the normal starts of anxiety... And then it just kind of blew up. I honestly can't think of anything more then that. ladylovelylocks, does your name happen to be taken from a children's book series? Or is that just an awesome coincidence? My case manager, peer support, etc are not available during the weekends; However, there is a "crisis number" called NurseWise that all patients have the number to, and it's basically a crisis hotline to talk things through, but if it seems needed they do send people to the person's home in order to help them, assess and see if hospital or something is needed, etc. I have expressed multiple times that I probably will not call NurseWise, even if I *think* of it (which seriously, during something that intense and out of control no of course I didn't even think of it), because I'm VERY wary of strangers coming to try to "help" me and talk to me about mental matters. The medications... I've been on and off more then I can count in the past few years, trying to find something that will get my anxiety and depression stabilized enough. I'm only on three right now, two of which I've been taking for well over a year with no bad effects (just not *working* good enough...). The newest one is the Lamictal, and I have recently switched to taking it at night and we think that might have something to do with all the nightmares I've been having lately, but as for the medications having anything to do with the meltdown, I doubt it. I haven't had an "episode" like that in over two years, I think I was on all different meds then. I definitely have boughts of social anxiety, it *used* to actually be one of my diagnosis' (instead of generalized anxiety like it is now), I used to not be able to go shopping, to the park, anything. It's almost non-existent now, except sometimes it flares up in super-crowded places like when we tried to go to Walmart close to Christmas. In terms of work, I work with three other people (possibly four if the CEO is there) and no one else, don't work with the public at all. Those three people are people I'm close to, people I trust. People who's office I've hidden in and talked to for a good half hour instead of working when I'd start getting anxious. I don't think the people are a problem. Feeling trapped is one of the problems, I know. No matter what anyone (mom, boss, etc) says, when I have a workday that's supposed to be 8am-noon, it normally takes less then an hour for me to feel trapped. Not because of anything *bad*, just because I look at the clock and I still have to be there for 3 more hours.... And I try to concentrate on my tasks, or talk to my co-workers, I even deliberately avoid the clocks... And then when I look again only like 15 minutes has passed. And mom tells me to call her if I need to go home early, and my boss understands if I need to, but I feel like it's a complete waste to go in for one lousy hour so I force myself to make it until at least 10am, and... yeah. No matter how little or how long I'm there, I feel trapped. and I have no idea what to do about that.
lol yes my screenname is from a childhood show/book called 'pixie tails' surprised someone noticed as it is a show from back in the 80's that wasn't around for that long. It's a joke between my best guy friend and I, we were playing this castle/medieval game and the only name I could come up with after the title 'lady' was lovely locks Haha shows how creative I am Hope your doctors appt today sheds some light on it for you. I understand that when you are having an episode like that the last thing you are thinking is what you can do to help yourself such as a phone call to the nurse line but if needed your mom could probably keep a clear enough head to make the call. Just an idea. I know my mom had to make an emergency call to my counsellor once and it did help a bit because she gave me some tools to use right then to get somewhat back in control Do YOU find there is a computer related trigger (such as something on the regular sites you visit or someone or the topics or...?) only ask cause you said your mom often finds an attack happens after you have been on the computer. Good to hear the issues have not worsened since starting the medications. It's too bad they aren't majorly improving since starting but good they are getting worse. People often have to try several or even many different types of meds before finding one/ a combination that works when they have multiple mental/emotional health things going on. Do you have any med prescribed for when you have an anxiety attack or just ones to prevent them? Ativan is the common one here but not sure about there....when I visited the US and had to go to hospital the doctor told me one of my meds is banned there lol so I never know what's different there. What you describe at work is a little odd (not saying you are weird just that its unusual) I can see why it is tough to pinpoint what is causing is there if you are close to people and comfortable overall. It sounds like you have a truly great boss that's helpful! Do you find you feel trapped other places or just at work? Is that your first and only job or have you had others?
Lady LovelyLocks and the Pixie Tails.... I think I actually still have that book. Oh, the memories, heee. Appointment today concluded with med-changes. I'm being weaned off the Lamictal and put on Seroquel instead. Taken off Clonazepam, my main anxiety med, and put back on Ativan (funny you should mention it!). I used to take Ativan "as needed", I would take it when I started noticing the beginnings of an anxiety attack. And it DID help. A lot. .... But apparently there's such thing as overdosing on those things, and when my doctor found out I was having so many attacks that I'd been taking 5-8 pills a day, she took me off them. (That was a different doctor) Now I'm being put back on it but on a 3-times-a-day schedule, so I still don't have anything to take when I feel an attack starting, but hopefully it will help (I do tend to take an over-the-counter sleeping pill during attacks, found out awhile back on accident that they don't help me sleep but they do help me calm down if it hasn't gotten *too* bad yet). There *are* computer-related triggers sometimes, but nothing... Nothing I'd consider out of the ordinary. I mean, I'm on a forum where we regularly debate things like abortion and gay rights and other stuff, and of course sometimes that will get a bit intense and I might get anxious or shaky from it. But as far as the serious anxiety attacks go, I can't remember one ever being *just* because of someone on the computer. I'm slowly realizing that this "trapped" feeling is not work-exclusive. And, just like at work, it's often related to time spent there, watching the clock, things seeming to move slowly, etc. It sometimes happens during Fellowship on Sunday, our "church" is a casual family-meeting type of thing, we take turns meeting at each other's houses, etc, but because of how casual it is, sometimes it's a good hour or so before the day's Bible chapter is even mentioned. And personally, I'm very much a "beginner" at all this religious stuff, and honestly I'm there to learn. I'm there to read the specific chapter, ask questions, hear interpretations, etc. But often those who've grown up in this environment will end up going on 20+ minute tangents that really have very little at all to do with the subject/chapter at hand. .... And all of those things contribute to that "trapped", staring at the clock, anxious, etc feeling.
the med change from lamictal is probably a good idea, if it isn't working and is causing nightmares as you mentioned it seems reasonable to switch. Hopefully the new one will be more helpful with less side effects. Yeah ativan that many times per day is a concern. unfortunatly they can also be addictive but its so tough if you are having that many attacks per day. if you do end up with them again on an 'as needed basis' perhaps restrict yourself from taking one unless its a super bad attack? Ativan on a 3 times a day dosage?! hmm...so basically it will be keeping you sedated. I have honestly never heard of Ativan being used for anything other then when an anxiety attack hits. I would be sure to chat about the unusual use/dosage your doctor suggested. Pharmacists are super helpful, in some cases I would almost prefer it if I could be seen by my pharmacist instead of some doctors lol. Also please be sure to check with the pharmacist about the over the counter sleep pill if you are going to be using Ativan on a daily dosage as they might not mix, I know they recommend no other sedatives with Ativan so best to check Hun Have you considered researching medication treatment options for generalized anxiety? Maybe make a list of ones you find that you think may bean option and then if this next med plan doesn't work you can take the list ans discuss all the options with your doctor. I know I did this with antidepressants because the one I was using had a side effect common to all of them and I wanted to try to find one with the least incidence of that particular side effect, my doctor was great about it and agreed with my research and switched me. You always have a say in your own care plan too I would venture to guess the 'trapped' feeling and the feeling of a slow passing of time is a definite trigger for you. There must be a label/name for that type of trigger...it's like an anxiety form of claustrophobia or something. Do you suffer from claustrophobia at all as well?? I think I had a similar issue but mine came only in crowded places where I knew I was expected to stay (church, seminars, airplanes just for example) I would start to feel like time was stopping almost, like I was stuck there and I had to get heck out. I have actually gotten up and walked out of places before like that (obviously not airplanes lol) Maybe you could allow yourself to duck outside from those situations when you start feeling trapped. Get some air, deep breathing and then go back in and see if it helps. Do you find breathing exercises help at all?? It sounds like maybe the computer *is* a trigger? you say it is not just the computer which is probably true but have you considered trying to avoid those debates and sites and seeing if it makes a difference at all?
Well... yet another door closed in my face today. For multiple months my treatment team and I have been attempting to get me into DBT therapy, and after a looooong drawn-out search it seems there's only *one* place in this city (town? is it big enough to be called a city?) with certified DBT practitioners. We've been calling this place for nearly a month with no answer. Today I finally tracked down the address, this tiny little office in this big, old, ghost-town-vibey business building. .... And it's not. The place is an *office* for that DBT business, but they don't take clients and have no one on-site... Their main place is in Phoenix and they only have an office here for court-mandated issues. ...... I came home and cried. THERE ARE OFFICIALLY NO DBT PRACTITIONERS IN MY TOWN. I've gone through SOOOOO many different types of therapy and I was soooooo hoping that trying something different might help! *sigh* So anyways, responding to your post. I wasn't aware that Ativan wasn't normally used on a specific schedule, I will definitely bring that up with the pharmacist, as well as ask about the sleeping pills (I should've done that long ago, I know). As for making a list of possible general-anxiety meds, in my case it's more "okay, what *haven't* I already taken before? Hm..... Well....", and I have a horrible memory to begin with, so that's a hard list to make. (Yesterday the doctor asked why I stopped taking some medication back in 2012... I don't even recognize the name, much less remember why I stopped it! I can't even count the number of meds I've been on *since* then...) I used to have bigger problems with "social" anxiety, being in large crowds, etc. For a long time I couldn't go shopping or anywhere a lot of strangers would be (I went to a concert once and had to leave during the first song 'cause it was too crowded and I was freaking out). It's calmed down a lot since then and I hardly ever have a problem in crowds, but yeah when I feel "stuck" somewhere it gets to me. Breathing exercises by themselves no longer help the way they did years ago, but if I'm able to do some deep-breathing while reciting a poem/song/whatever in my head, or tracing patterns on some surface, it will often help.
