Ok, so I am 29 y/o FTM, 2 years on hormones/pre surgery. For the last few days I have been addicted to going on this cam to cam site and exposing my female body to anyone who wants to see it. I never show my face, because I have prominent facial hair, and I recently shaved everything from my bellybutton to my knees just to keep that girlishly smooth skin. In reality I'm viewed totally as male, deep voice, facial hair, flat chest, and shy but I get this rush out of doing it, and then when I've climaxed and it's over, if I have the time, I wait while watching other people and go again or I'll turn it all off abruptly and then shower my guilt away. I hate that I am this way and I can't share it with my fiancé of 10 years because she would really hate me then. I usually cam to cam with other men, and I love when they tell me that I have a beautiful body or the things they want to do with me. But when I think about it, I'm disgusted with myself because I've tried hard to be who I truly am inside, and here I am showing off a part of me that even my fiancé doesn't get to see. :tears: Is there something wrong with me? :bang:
I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You could just have an exhibitionist fetish (having people watch you masturbate). Maybe it's like a reverse trap? The only thing wrong about this is the fact you have a fiancé. That's kinda messed up. You should really stop, for her sake.
Here's the issue: It sounds to me like your desire is coming from a desire for validation/self worth rather than from a place of genuinely being happy with who you are. And the problem with that is... it's externalizing your happiness and self-love, which means you can't ever really have happiness or self-love since it's dependent on the comments of others. And that's dangerous because then if you get a negative comment here or there, it will be really devastating. I also concur with Hermione that it's not a good thing to be keeping this from your fiancé. Think of it this way: If the roles were reversed, you'd be pretty upset she wasn't telling you, and so it seems pretty likely there's some shame about it. And the best antidote to the shame is... talking about it. I think talking to your fiancé about how you're feeling and the underlying urge to seek out acceptance and attention might also be helpful to you in terms of learning to love yourself more. If you're one who likes to read, I'd also very strongly recommend Brené Brown's book "I Thought It was Just Me, But it Isn't" which is all about women and shame and talks a lot about body image issues. I know a lot of people who have found it really transformative in the way they look at themselves.
