gaining weight and anorexic thoughts

So, uh.... Damn, not really sure what to say here. I just sorta feel safe talking about stuff here, yunno?

Backstory: I was anorexic for 7-8 years when I was a teenager, went to outpatient mental hospital in part because of it, etc etc. I've honestly never seen anorexia as something I've "recovered" from, because that mindset is still there and it's sometimes a really hard struggle. I've had many setbacks and relapses, thankfully never anything close to how bad it was when I was a teen.

But sometimes... Those thoughts take over, and I really don't know how to handle it. I've learned to avoid certain triggers, like trying on clothes in a changing room, and yunno how at the doctor's you always get weighed first? I've learned to tell them "don't tell me", because while I logically know I'm overweight, not knowing the numbers just... saves me.

Today things just happened differently, and I heard my weight. And apparently I've gained like 20 pounds in the last 7-10 months (last time I heard my weight). And I'm... sorta freaking out. ... Okay, REALLY freaking out. My mind is just *automatically* going back to that "anorexic mindset", calculating how far I can run/walk (... not far, I'm in horrible shape really), mentally going over every single food item in the house and stuffing it all into the Do Not Eat category 'cause yeah, we have lots of junk food.

I'm well aware that I'm overweight, I should be exercising more, I eat like 80% junk food... I *do* know that. .... I also know that ANY type of dieting or cutting out foods automatically throws me headfirst into Ana-land. I've been through this cycle waaayyy too many times, if I start trying to eat healthier and restricting sweets and crap... I just can't. I mean I've NEVER found a "safe amount" of change in that area, it *always* throws me into wanting to over-exercise and not eat barely anything and all those self-hating thoughts and I just... fall.

And I feel like I'm falling now. There's that (fairly loud) part of me that can't BELIEVE I've allowed myself to gain so much weight, and I made the *mistake* of telling my mom and now she's freaking out and crying and trying to shove any and all food at me JUST LIKE ALWAYS and THIS IS WHY I DON'T TELL HER and.... Ugh. I don't know what to do. I really, really, really don't.