My partner and I have been together for almost five years. We are deeply committed, loving and even consider one another "soul mates," for lack of a better term. A while back we decided to have the occassional and rare threesome. The extra person always was made aware we are a couple and any activity was strictly for sexual excitement for all three of us and protection is required. No issues with that. However, based on some events I am very certain my partner has sexual encounters without me and is too nervous to tell me, as he knows this was no part of our original agreement. I do not think it is anything beyond sex, so that is not an issue here. The point I am faced with now is the fact of "hiding" something. I want to talk to him in a very positive way and let him know that if he wants simple sex acts with someone else, I am fine with it, but I am not fine with hiding things...that is not healthy for me or our relationship and from a psychological standpoint, hiding creates anxiety and inhibitions that I do not want for either of us. Now, my question is, how do I bring this up and tell him to just express to me if this is what he desires? I know he has certain sexual interests that I do not share and I love him and do not desire to hold him back from experiencing them or expressing that aspect, as long as he is honest, practices safe etc. And he would need to extend the same to me. I have done a lot of study on this topic in psychology and it seems there are positive ideas about this, surpisingly, to help couples who may have differing sexual interests (certain fetishes or activities) their primary partner/spouse does want to participate in. Does anyone have experience or suggestions of how to discuss this? We have already had the "threesome" talk; but this one will be a bit different I feel because I am going to have to state that above all, I value honesty in the relationship--that is of much greater significance to me than him feeling he must sneak around to act out on a fetish out of fear I will act in anger. I don't want this to turn into a discussion of me accusing or shaming him either.
Joe Kort, Ph.D, has written extensively on the topic of non-monogamy in mature gay relationships (i.e, relationships that are 3+ years long.) You might want to take a look at what he's written in Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love (which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, but is an amazing book nonetheless.) You've hit on the key point, which is the importance of authenticity and integrity in the relationship. without it, nothing else really matters. And I applaud you for having such an open and nonjudgmental approach about it. He is no doubt feeling guilty and possibly shameful about what's happened and probably fears the loss of the relationship, or at least loss of trust. So perhaps the way you open it is to say that you have the sense that he's having difficulty being fully authentic with you, and how much you value authenticity, even more than any other trait, including sexual faithfulness, and then ask him how he feels about that, and note that you feel there's something getting in the way of the authenticity. (I don't know if your relationship is such that this sort of conversation would be reasonably natural, so if not, adapt it accordingly.) You should probably be prepared to hear something you don't like or don't expect. Maybe you won't, but you owe it to yourself to think about that and be able to respond accordingly. This is the sort of conversation where shame storms pop up out of nowhere and can really derail conversations. And see where it takes the conversation. You might have to probe deeper or even tell him what gives you the concerns. But hopefully if he feels like your focus is on maintaining the connection, he'll be able to step out of the shame and open up to you. Let us know what happens.
Thanks, Chip. In terms of the conversation, I am considering not overtly mentioning that I "think" he may engage in encounters without my knowledge, in order to hopefully bypass any shaming "storms." We both suffer from anxiety (incidentally, that has been one of our intimate and bonding areas in which we strive to help one another), so I really do want to avoid creating an atmosphere that is shaming or anxiety provoking. I want to just ask him if he is considering sexual encounters with others and that if he is, I am ok with it, just be safe, I am not going to ask details, I love you and want you to be happy and it's healthy for us to be open with each other and no hiding. While I know not everyone is a fan of Dan Savage, if you look up his video on the concept of "monogomish," it is quite eye-opening for those with questions about monogomy. ---------- Post added 4th Mar 2014 at 06:47 PM ---------- @ Chip, in my second post above, what do you think of that approach?
