I'm now currently in a hetero-relationship in which just hours ago I tried to have sex with my boyfriend. He had told me before he had trouble getting hard with girls and I know he has social anxiety and he was certainly very turned on but couldn't keep it hard. I have no idea how to help with this. He said this has always been a problem. He's certain he likes girls too. I've read this is performance anxiety, what can I do to help the situation? Btw he's seventeen.
It may be performance anxiety, but if he's been having that problem for a while, that may be a medical issue. (DISCLAIMER: I'm not a doctor and I'm making no diagnosis) Sometimes it's caused by a blood flow problem, or other things like being overweight, taking certain medications, or having certain medical conditions where erectile dysfunction is a side effect. While we all think that only old men get ED from the commercials we see, but it actually does happen to younger men.
Social anxiety in general and performance anxiety related to sex can cause ED. Also, if he is only any meds for the anxiety (such as benzos or SSRIs), those could be a contributing factor as well (they are famous for sexual side effects). Also, if it is merely performance anxiety, I would ask, how long have you been together and how many times have you all attempted sex? I would assume the newer the relationship and experience, the more anxiety. I would suspect with time and practice, it will disipate.
Thanks. I was assuming a new relationship could make this worse. We plan to keep trying. His therapist doesn't have him on meds.
How long has he been watching porn? There is evidence to suggest that porn addiction is a real thing and that it causes erectile dysfunction. [youtube]wSF82AwSDiU[/youtube]
As the saying goes, when you hear hoofbeats, thing horses, not zebras. It's possible but highly unlikely that the issue is physiological. It's a lot more likely, at age 17, that it's mostly psychological. Erection, orgasm and ejaculation are a really interesting intermingling of physical stimulation, mental attitude, and unconscious psychological factors, any of which can derail things. And, particularly for someone 17, one of the biggest problems is the self-esteem and shame issues that usually come up when a 17 year old has difficulties getting aroused or maintaining an erection. So it can be a downward spiral... he has a little difficulty, gets nervous, which makes it that much more difficult to become aroused. It's also possible -- but again, probably not the most likely possibility -- that excessive porn viewing could be involved. Porn addiction clearly appears to be a real thing affecting some people, but the data I've seen is conflicting, and at best, it seems that only a small segment of the population is actually at risk of addiction. So again, I'd suspect that this isn't the culprit in this case, unless he's watching porn for hours a day. One of the best things you can do is simply be with him in an intimate way without actually being sexual. The more comfortable he feels, unconsciously, the easier it will be for him to get aroused. And the less he feels like it *matters* whether he can get hard, the easier it will be for him to get aroused. Finally, if you've got the sort of relationship with him where you can talk to him about whether masturbation is difficult or takes a long time, that might also give him some insight as to whether this relates to being with someone else or is pervasive. My guess is it's probably only an issue with other people. If that isn't the case, then it may be worth getting a consult with his doctor just to rule out anything physiological. And if he wants to come here and talk with me or any of the advisor team, he's certainly welcomed to do that.
Good luck, my advice would be to take it slow so he feels completely comfortable with you. New relationships can be nerve wrecking, even if things are going romantically well.
I asked about the porn thing and he doesn't seem to watch it a lot. He's a very chill guy. Smokes a little weed, plays a little xbox, and has social anxiety/dissociation from reality. So he packs a lot of head problems. Should I just continue trying until it happens? ---------- Post added 9th Mar 2014 at 05:05 AM ---------- He doesn't seem to have an issue when he's alone he says.
The social anxiety is almost certainly the problem. Does he have problems getting aroused when he masturbates? I'm going to assume not. If he's open to talking about it, the best thing you can do is normalize the behavior, love him exactly as he is, cuddle with him, touch and caress him, and be patient. It may take awhile depending on how serious the social anxiety is, because if it's a major issue, that's often rooted in a brain chemistry and that takes time to repattern.
