Hi all, I have just got into a relationship with my first girlfriend. She is really great, we have a lot in common and get along very well. However she recently told me that she has been self-harming for a few years, which has upset me quite a lot. She doesn't cut in places where there are major blood vessels, so while it is serious it is not life-threatening. She has been having counselling on and off and will be doing some sort of program in the summer. She has been assessed for depression, and the test was negative which was reassuring. The habit seems to be triggered by stress and I know that at times she has cut three or four times a week, though I'm not sure how bad it is now. Anyway, I don't know how to deal with this as I've never been close to anyone with this problem before. I am understanding, but I don't want to say anything to make it worse, and obviously I really want her to stop. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Islander
Hi Islander Once I did it, too but only a few times. So nothing serious. I think you need to know why she's doing it and then just be there for her. But every person is different so there are many possibilities why and how you can handle it. Maybe this helps or maybe not
Hi Islander. I haven't cut myself but I have carried out some self harming behaviors in the past. From what I know, self-harm is a coping mechanism and it sounds like your girlfriend uses it as a way of coping with stress. A counselor would probably work with her to find other ways for her to manage stress so that she gradually will be able to stop the self harm and substitute it with something else that is a healthier way of coping. In my opinion, the best thing you could do for your girlfriend is support her through this and the counselling. Also, although I completely get that this is upsetting for you, try not to put too much pressure on your girlfriend to stop the self-harm because this could lead to her feeling guilty and therefore even more stressed, which could encourage further self-harm. Let her know you are there for her and make sure there is someone there for you too. Hope this helps
Thanks very much, both of you comments are extremely helpful. You say not to put too much pressure on her to stop self harming. If I catch her in the act, I would definitely want to take away the blade - is this advisable?
I wouldn't take it by force, but I'd adopt the firm disappointed tone of "I'm not leaving until you hand it over". That's what my girlfriend did, she firmly convinced me to get rid of my blades. Taking by force may make her rebel and do it more because she is losing control of her world around her. Cutting is about control, when you do it you control how deep, long, and where the cut is.
Not really. I can see why you would want to do that, but if you take it away you are taking control of the situation and removing her coping mechanism, which she probably needs at that precise moment. Ask if she can talk to you about it, to see if it helps the urge to pass, but don't take any strong action. Most people don't cut impetuously, but only when things have built up and the pressure becomes too much. Tempting as it may be, don't take away the blade, but make sure she is safe and has everything she needs at hand to take care of cuts straight away. I know that will be very hard for you, but she needs support and kindness and I'm sure you will provide that in abundance. It really is important to understand that cutting is a coping mechanism and that's why some people don't call it self harm (because coping isn't harmful). Obviously, it's not a good coping mechanism and the aim should be to come off it, but that will take time, patience and understanding. If you are able to offer that, you could be a big part of the solution. I hope you can both come through this.
Hey.I used to cut for many years.Like Linco says-it is a coping mechanism.It is also an addiction however.I do not suggest you put too much pressure on your girlfriend to quit.She will do that when she is ready.You can be supportive by offering to listen to her if she wants to talk.Do not do this in too much of a ''you have a problem'' type of way either,that is bound to encourage her not to talk about it.You can tell her that you want to understand and will keep an open mind(but then this must be applied as well).Taking away blades or hiding sharp objects is not advisable either.If a cutter is under extreme emotional stress and does not feel ready to quit then they most probably will find some way to cut(we can get creative when feeling the urge).It does not help to make the person feel that they have a problem and are in need of help.What helped me was understanding why and when I cut and what it was giving me.I later also realized what it was taking away from me.I hope we can possibly have a private discussion at some stage,I would love it if your girlfriend manages to quit.Up to you though. ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 10:10 AM ---------- I suppose that is my personal experience though in the end.Different approaches work for different people.Its really an addiction.And it can be extremely tempting to relapse.That is why I say,try to ask her why she does it.Some cutters do not even know why.For me I understood the psychology behind it but there was always an underlying feeling of not understanding why.In any case I leave the private message decision up to you(I am not a full member yet though).Do not feel obligated,perhaps your girlfriend needs a different approach.I would not know.Which is another reason for the messaging.Up to you. ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 10:12 AM ---------- It all depends on how you approach her in the end.Do not talk too much about the subject either,and allow her to be the one that ultimately approaches you.Do not appear pushy.
Reassure her that you are there. Talk to her about why she does it and how you feel about it. See if there are ways you could help her deal with stress or whatever reasons she cuts. I have cut on and off for like 4 years. It is addicting and can be really difficult to stop. You need to be there for her. That is one of the most important things. I liked knowing people cared about my safety and it help me control myself a few times so make sure she knows how you feel about her. DO NOT threaten to break up or just tell her to straight up stop. Seriously don't do that. YOu should try to avoid anything that would trigger it. Maybe take away whatever she uses(as long as she is okay with it) Because it's difficult to cut without something sharp Hope this helps
Don't take away her blade; If she doesn't have her usual tools, she could resort to using whatever is available (which you do not want happening). Support her with going to see the counselor and getting to/from her program. But yeah, don't put too much pressure on her.
Just tell her how much you care about her, and that knowing she's in pain and that she wants to hurt herself makes you feel terrible, and just be there for her and keep reminding her how much she means to you. I've been there before, and all I ever wanted for someone to hold me and care about me.
Hi.Sorry about my suggestion of private messaging-I suppose I tend to want to help a bit too much at times.In the end I am vulnerable as well though and all the talk might not be such a good idea.Supporting your girlfriend is the main thing here,making her feel that you are trustworthy and understanding enough too open up to.I was also letting my own experience cloud my judgment to an extent(did not go for counseling about my depression and sh due to financial reasons)but if counseling services are available it is probably a good thing.All the best.Hope that this post is updated at some stage,would love to know how things proceed.
You have to be the person who she thinks of as more of a friend then a girl friend. You have to always lift her spirits. You need to be the person who brightens her day. I know its a lot but if you love her then you need to brighten her day and just be happy and make her feel happy. I have a similar thing going on at school right now with this other girl
Thank you for all your helpful replies. aspie musician - thanks for the offer of a private message, but if talking about it makes it harder for you then I'll leave the offer if that's okay as I wouldn't want to worsen anything. Last night I was at her flat, and in the bin I found a tissue with four rows of dried blood on it. It was obviously from cutting, but I do not know how long it had been there. I did not ask her about it because I didn't want to pressure her or make her feel like I was intruding, as I am aware that self-harm is a very private issue. However, the fact that it was at the top of the bin and face-up, so that anyone who opened the lid would see it, makes me think that maybe she planted it there because she wanted to talk about it but was shy about approaching the subject. I am now rethinking my decision on not questioning her about it. Would anyone who has been in a similar situation be able to advise me? Thanks again for all your help, Islander
Hi Islander, You make a very fair point in your last paragraph. I feel like I have been in a similar situation as your girlfriend. I used to roll my sleeves up when I saw my best friend, and hope she would confront me about it. Its difficult to bring up and talk about from all sides. This is just my personal opinion, but everyone's situation is different. I would ask her if she wanted to talk about it first. Mention that you saw the tissues, and ask if it is something she wants to have a conversation about. Make sure you let her know that it's totally OK if she does not want to talk. If she does, the important thing is that you let her control the way the conversation goes, and re-assure her that you are there for her. If she does not want to talk about it, than just let it go until she's ready. I know thats easier said than done, but that's the best advice I can give you. Hope it is helpful. Much love, Erzulie
Sorry but will come back to this thread at a later stage.Feel bad for doing this,but feel like there are just too many memories. Thanx for understanding being in two minds about the private messaging.Maybe when I feel my best(which I am not at the moment).I really want to offer more advice,but this is just really hard for me at the moment.Will try to comment another day.
