Sacrificing my Sexuality

Well here's a thought: Have you considered a threesome? Maybe you and your girlfriend could find a man you could both have sex with so that you'd get your needs satisfied without cheating, and you could tell her it's just a way to spice up your sex life. Another option would be to talk to your girlfriend about the possibility of having an open relationship, maybe only temporarily so you can actualize your desires for sex with a man. It would give you the chance to explore your sexual desires; you might find that once you experienced it and satisfied your curiosity, you might lose interest. There tends to be an allure to the unknown.

Good luck!

 

My opinion on this matter is that you are 23 are therefore horny. So is almost everyone else between 15-25 (which is why 50% of those under 25 who are "active" have STDs). It could be that because of your diminished sex life with your fiance, that you are simply not having your own, more active libido satisfied. I think that you should talk with her; there may be a medicine that she could take to counteract the effects of the required one. Other options include changing how you're having sex to better match your fantasies (strap-on?) and/ or masturbating more to relieve the tension.

Being engaged means that you've made a commitment to her emotionally and physically; if you aren't able to remain committed, it's best not to force it. If you'd had an open relationship for all of this time, then you could easily pursue external liaisons but since you haven't, asking now would be incredibly hurtful.

 

I'll admit that you're in quite a dilemma. I'm currently in a relationship with a man and we haven't been intimate in a while because I have zero interest at the moment. In the beginning of our relationship, the sex was great, but I will admit that even though I am bisexual, I do not care for penetration. Not only that, I actually prefer to be with a woman, both emotionally and sexually.

So, I feel your pain/frustration. There's nothing more satisfying than being with someone who you sexually and or emotionally desire. The only thing I can suggest is that you try using a strap on. I've never used one whenever I was in relationship with a woman, but I would hope they are at least somewhat satisfying. If that doesn't work then perhaps it's time to really be honest with yourself and your girlfriend. The feelings you're having are not going to go away until the issue is resolved.

 

Honestly, I think breaking up is the best idea here, or else she's going to end up hurt. The strap-on could be a possibility; if penetration is the thing that's needed it's not like you need a man for it.

As much as I feel guilty saying this, this is the reason why I really don't want to date a bisexual. I really empathize with this girl who probably feels like she can't be good enough because nature gave her the "wrong" anatomy. I'm not trying to be insulting, but I thought this situation was rather triggering. I trust you to make the right choice though. Is sexual desires toward men really more important than the romance shared with this girl?

If you really can't stop thinking of them, I think you should do her a favor and end the relationship so she can find someone who will be more satisfied with her body.

 

There are a LOT of lesbians that enjoy using strap on (I was surprised by how popular they appear to be). Your gf may want to but worry about your reaction. If not then I'm sure she'd give it a try because she loves you. You never know, she might surprise herself.

 

I strongly disagree with this. It isn't simply "breaking up," it would be breaking off an engagement - a huge step that should not be taken unless all other possibilities have been explored first. That is the same as giving up and not much better than divorce.

OP, I would encourage you, however, to reflect on how important this would be in a marriage. You describe your relationship as "committed but sexually unsatisfying" but if you look at the stats, that's almost every committed relationship after some time. People reach a plateau, get comfortable, and forget to tend to that part of the relationship. I have relatives whom I guarantee haven't had sex in 15 years or more. :eek:

It is something to think about and work on but if you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, sex shouldn't interfere with that.

And if it makes you feel better, I think most women's libidos drop after having kids so, maybe you just need to start a family and your brain will switch from sexy mode to mommy mode. :icon_wink

 

I felt similarly when I read the OPs post. It kinda made me think of the people that married someone either thinking they were straight or wanting to live the life of a straight person only to discover that they just couldnt do it anymore.

Its a difficult situation to be in, for sure. I feel for her.

 

I do understand what you're getting at, and I'm not intentionally trying to to undermine the OP's relationship. However, we also have to look at the side from the fiancee'.

I disagree that this is similar to straight couples losing sexual desire for their partners. While it is normal to have a decreased interest in sex after getting comfortable; the OP's lack of interest is about GENDER, not comfort, and this is a much more problematic issue. She's trying to get engaged to a person that has the genitalia she does not desire as strongly; this is a problem that will not go away.

Marriage as well, is a HUGE lifelong commitment that the OP is already struggling with, considering the fiancee also wants a closed relationship. She even expressed discomfort/anger at the idea of the OP still desiring men, which is also a bad sign for this relationship. The OP even pointed out herself that she's jealous of straight women for attaining more satisfying sex due to gender, and that's when I started to feel offended, upset, and troubled by this post all in one.

In a way, I understand how the fiancee feels. It's one thing to find men attractive and point that out (I wouldn't mind that), but It's another thing to desire them at a higher level and make your female partner feel like she's devalued and that she can't compare to a man. The lesbian community especially is oppressed by our phallocentric culture; we constantly have to feel afraid of and threatened by men being better than us. Although a lot of us wouldn't refuse girls that like men all together, It's incredibly hurtful and damaging to our self-esteem when we hear that we aren't satisfying our partners because we don't have a dick.

An engagement is a big deal, but It's never too late to call it off. It may be difficult, but I still think It's a better choice compared to going ahead with a marriage that already seems hopeless in compatibility. I honestly think the OP would be happier being married to a man where she could get her needs met. The fiancee will probably be hurt by the relationship ending if it came to this, but It's still a lot less harmful than staying in a marriage with someone who doesn't fully desire you. She seems already hurt by the OP's desire in men, so why drag her out in this? Even if they decide to divorce way in the future, she could have already have damage to her self-esteem and have an inability to form another healthy relationship again by that point.

I will apologize for being blunt here. Like I said, I don't like to feel harsh with my advice, but this is a hopeless situation that feels too close to home. Understand that I also have been in her fiancee's shoes many times; I've had partners that felt less satisfied with me over time and craved dick, but they dragged out the relationship because they didn't want to fully end it. Where did that lead me? Years of self-harming, gender dysphoria, and even inner hostility toward heterosexual relationships because I felt inferior. If they would have broken up with me after realizing this, I wouldn't needed to have so much therapy and I wouldn't still have an inability to trust people in relationships now. So really I'm just saying that I don't want to see another victim to this and that I know from experience what the healthier thing to do is.

 

I agree with fallingdown. This isn't fair to your fiancée. You need to go back to men. I hope this is not a common occurence among bisexuals. Cause that seems like a really frustrating way to live.

 

I wouldn't think a any lesbian would want a man in there bed with their girlfriend that is gonna cause hell and pretty sure if you do the three some, you will start wanting to have sex with the guy alone. This is the fear we have with bisexual girls . But the fact that your asking for help shows that you love her.

---------- Post added 10th Apr 2014 at 12:43 PM ----------

Not all bi women do this some do not all

And buy that strap on
I also agree with falling . If you still want men even with the strap on then end it

 

Does no one else see just a tinge of biphobia creeping through this thread? I agree that if she cannot be happy in the relationship that it's best to end it. However, that should be a last option and not a knee-jerk one. Bisexuals get the short end of the proverbial stick A LOT, especially women. There is nothing about being bisexual that makes a woman inherently more likely to cheat.

OP, my advice is to simply do whatever you and your fiance agree is best for both of you. You both deserve to be happy and fulfilled at the end of the day.

 

I apologize for anything that sounded biphobic. I don't think all bisexuals are cheaters of course, but this case is a red-flag to me because the OP has admitted to cheating in the past and she can barely control her sexual desires for men now. This really doesn't seem fair to the fiancee. I really don't think this is a "knee-jerk" reaction; It's a serious problem that can destroy the other girl's self-worth for good if it doesn't find a solution.

Lesbians don't like to hear that their partners desire men more than they desire us. We are already oppressed by straight culture telling us our experiences are less real or valuable because they don't involve a man. Do you know how much more hurtful it is to hear it from our own partner?

I'm not saying I dislike the OP or that I don't empathize/understand; but at the same time I found a lot of statements said here to be extremely offensive and hurtful.

I only suggested breaking up because I want to see them both happy. This situation just seems hopeless; the OP doesn't desire her fiancee as much as men, and the fiancee will probably become hurt and insecure about this over time.

 

:eusa_liar

I agree I don't see this relationship working and three some and open relationship will make it worse it will be a reminder to her girlfriend that she is not good enough. Either get counseling or break up. Because the whole 3 way and open relationship thing is like putting a band aid on a huge problem. Some people will never understand why lesbians get upset or feel insecure about this and I had this happen to me and she cheated behind my back then told me like it was nothing .expecting me to not be hurt . At least the op did not cheat this time but l would be really upset if I had to share my sex life with a guy to keep my girlfriend happy

 

Maybe a lot of people won't like my answer, but it could also be useful, so I'll just tell you what I think. Honestly, I don't think you're bisexual. I think you're straight. Your girlfriend is your "exception" and it's a concept that I don't believe in. I understand that you love her and that she may be your "soulmate" or something similar. But when you're that much connected to someone emotionally, it can very quickly turn to physical attraction as well. It can be confusing, but sooner or later, you realize that you're not naturally, truly attracted physically to this person. Your strong emotional attraction confused your feelings. But in the end, pure emotional attraction without physical attraction, is simply friendship.

Many straight girls describe their female best friend as their soulmate, and it stays friendship. You, are naturally immediately attracted to men physically, not women. I think it says it all. Like I said, in my opinion emotional attraction alone is friendship. And physical attractions determine who you want to have a life with. But in order to be real, it needs to be a natural attraction, not something that would "develop" after awhile. You can't fight those feelings, they will always come back. You need to listen to what your brain and your body are telling you and be honest with yourself and with her. If you don't, you will keep hurting yourself and you will hurt her too. She doesn't deserve this. You don't deserve this either. I would really take some time to think about it. Just look at your title "Sacrificing my Sexuality". Or read your whole message again. I think it's very clear...

Joanie.

 

Exactly. I'm getting a bit sick of people using open relationship excuses with problems like this, like the other person's feelings are not even considered.

If I were in a situation like this, I would have just left long ago. I wouldn't want to share my girlfriend with a guy either; I'd be downright furious with the thought. What ever happened to committed relationships where two people exclusively love each other? I'm not against open relationships in general, but some people can't handle them and this girl sounds like one of them. I say that if someone can't admire my body and stay satisfied with me as a female, they don't deserve me and therefore I wouldn't waste my time.

 

I agree I wouldn't put up with this either and I I don't like the whole open relationship stuff that people like to suggest all the time because it doesn't work all the time and can back fire most of the time .
I also think Joanie 's answer might be right I didn't really think of that that way but she has a point .