being gay and having to deal with BDD?

Hello! I can relate to a lot of what you're saying so once you become a full member, be sure to PM me! (Actually I still have to get full member status but it's a matter of time now)
As for the size thing...yeah I can see why you're thinking you're ugly, simply because I assume you do not fit the "have pyramid-shaped muscles or get out" stereotype. (Personally I don't think too much muscle looks nice even if it lets you pick up cars)

Not too long ago I realized that looks aren't everything, and my depressive attitude won't cut it. I just have to keep taking exercise, do my best, and only give up once I'll have tried my hardest to find friends and love.
Hey at least you look at yourself in the mirror I can't even look at my reflection because I think it's hideous.

 

Don't worry, gay guys aren't at all "usually" ripped and beautiful. That's purely a stereotype. Hell the only reason I care about my body is because I have to fit into a leotard for gymnastics! Otherwise I'd have a potbelly if your scoliosis is really getting you down, ask your parents to get treatment for it. I have a friend who had back problems but she got some pins etc in her back and she's much happier in herself now.

 

Hi Matthew,

You sound a very self aware sort of guy and welcome to EC !!

Now, I think everyone has body image concerns and confidence issues to some degree and at any age. Whether yours develop in to a mental health issue is of course how long these worries persist and your own attitude to yourself. Luckily, at 17, you are still young enough to lay the foundations for a stable future. It may need help along the way depending on how serious these things are affecting your mood and self image.

First .. I assume those who tease you are soon to be out of your life when you move on to university or other workplace? I hope it is as simple as that. It is very juvenile behaviour and you should be free of it - if you are free of them.

I have a work colleague with scoliosis. He is still a very attractive man and it would be a very shallow person to reject someone for the scoliosis. And you do not want shallow people in your life anyway !!

I also saw on TV a medical procedure to correct scoliosis. Whilst operations are not to be taken lightly, it completely straightened the posture of the guy featured in the TV programme. It was truly amazing.

The other thing I noticed in your post was isolation, social anxiety and no mention of gay friends. Do you have any gay friends?? I am not talking about intimate friends, just … friends. It is very life enhancing to hang out from time to time with people who just accept you and you don't have to hide anything from them. Also broadening your circle of friends will help you develop a support network so you feel less alone and actually do get to socialise a bit more.

There is often a 'default position' which is to isolate ourselves socially because it is the easy option. The hard work of socialising can be avoided. But this is something that can be unhealthy. Humans need socialisation, we are social beings. So maybe plan some ways to get involved with other people.

I hope you can continue posting here to get advice and support.

 

Hey Matthew!

You know what, if it makes you feel any better, I've got scoliosis too. Probably not that severe as yours, but it does get in the way sometimes when i'm carrying things and doing strenuous activities. Although i don't have BDD, i believe there was a time in my life (grade school years) when i felt the same way as you did - ugly, not good enough, outcast, low self-esteem, etc. It took quite a while to get rid of this mentality, so hang in there! There's still hope!

First of all, please know that it's not all about what's on the outside, but more of what's inside. Your worries about "not having a boyfriend because you think you're ugly" might/could be the reason why you don't have one YET. How can you expect someone to like you if you don't like yourself in the first place? I believe you should start by loving yourself first; think about all of your assets..What are you good at? What are your talents? What makes you unique? I'm sure your an awesome guy, maybe you just don't see it.

I'd have to agree with Bingostring about surrounding yourself with friends and positivity. If you don't have many friends, i'm sure you'll be able to make a lot of friends here. Count me in! Let's chat soon.

Once you start surrounding yourself with people who love you/accept you for who you are, then things will be better. In my case, we moved out after grade school, i transferred to a new high school in my dad's home town and i started to make friends. I came out of my shell and started believing in myself - appreciating every bit of who i am and what i'm capable of achieving.

You have to be more optimistic, BDD isn't the end of the world. Try to be thankful of what you have right now..even little things..little blessings which you tend to ignore. Write them down on a piece of paper. Keep a journal of all those things that you're thankful for and the things that make you happy. They don't have to be big, just little things like.."that waitress smiled at me today while she was taking my order"..or "my breath smells great today"..lol, just kidding! It can be anything, really.

As for all the negativity that you're absorbing right now..Hmmm..It might help if you try to turn them into positive energy.

So you're gay, right? THAT'S GREAT! I don't see anything wrong with that (haha).

You say you have no friends? Try to get to know people! You can start here. Like i said, count me in.

You're cyber-bullied? Hmmm..ever considered having a social media diet for now? Idk..coz if you have none of those, the bullies won't have access to you, right?

Made fun of by your mates..This is a tough one, i know how it feels like to be made fun of. If i were you, i'd probably stand up for myself. Don't let them do this to you. If things get violent when you start defending yourself, get help.

BDD and scoliosis..I'm sure you can do something about these things. Everything's possible if you set your mind to it. Therapy, maybe? Have you tried seeking professional help? You should, it might help a lot.

One last thing, cheer up! Life is good! Embrace it. (!)

Send me a pm if ya need someone to talk to.:eusa_danc

 

Hi Matthew,

So I see it looks like your looking for a success story from someone in the same boat. I wouldn't say that anyone is 100% successful in getting over the torment of not only our peers but our own thought processes. I have had BDD since I was probably 8. From an early age I realized I did not look like the rest of the kids. I was clearly taller and bigger and puberty did nothing but enhance the already negative body image I was berated to learn from peers, classmates, my parents, and pretty much everyone I knew. Sports for most kids are a great outlet for stress and a great way to shed baby fat. For me, I had one parent that didn't want me to get beat up for being different so avoided sports and focused on academics and another parent that would drop me off at the gym and tell me I wasn't allowed to come home until my shirt was soaking with sweat. I was taught simultaneously by divorced parents that A:if I wasn't going to be 'handsome' I had to be smart and B:being 'handsome' was the only choice or there was no place for me even with someone who gave me life. I was pushed to diets from age 10 to 24. I was constantly told that my weight was the reason bad things happened. The social stigma of being a larger person was heavily weighed upon my shoulders. This was only in addition to the portrayal of gays in the media as being the well toned, tan skinned, confidently voiced adonises. I was(and still am) very effeminate when I speak. There is a clear softness to my voice that immediately reads as 'gay'. Being a large gay kid with the tiny soft voice of an alter boy did not ease the ridicule. I wanted to know why I had this voice, this body, this mind set. All the gay people I knew were cute and muscular and could walk freely into any store in the mall and try on outfit after outfit and feel confident. I couldn't. I spent years avoiding buying myself clothes out of fear of public mirrors, size differences(and the negative connotation associated with larger sizes), that I would become 'too comfortable' at this weight or that I was going to lose the weight soon so why spend the money. Years of being told I was unattractive, weird, and ugly had truly sank in. This became such a heavy cross to bear that I was unwanted and unimportant. I could feel myself isolating. Refusing to go out with friends or be in public for more that 30 minutes. Living in my bedroom because it was the only place I didn't feel like I was putting my 'disgusting' self on display. It is almost crazy how we can be our own biggest bully. How when we feel 'weak' or 'ugly' we can place those thoughts into the minds of others and then obsess about how they perceive us. I am 26 now. I am only in the first couple weeks of seeking professional help with a therapist to undo the years of embarrassment and self loathing I have come to treat as a second home. The one thing I have realized about myself is that I have an overactive mind when it comes to being around people. Most people think about the atmosphere, the food, the conversation. I constantly think about how I don't look good and thus don't deserve to be around these effortlessly gorgeous people. I am learning how to be 'mindful' or find out where those thoughts are coming from. It is not easy. I stay home a lot because of the fear that I will see myself in the mirror and think thoughts of how terrible I look. But I do it little by little. There is no overnight cure, there is no single idea that will spark a complete turnaround for how you think, there is simply baby steps. Small stepping stones to breaking away from that thought process; Small, encouraging, hopeful words from a support group of people going through the same thing that will help you realize you have worth. Some days are better than others. Some days you may wake up feeling like you can conquer the world and some days will be much less. But only you can make that decision. It sounds like you are indeed young(as previously stated in this thread) and you have obstacles ahead of you that seem insurmountable. I would like to say that things get better. The truth is, they only get better if you want them to. For every rock bottom low we face there is only one way we can go. We have to be progressive. Give yourself a break once in a while. I'm not asking that you sing Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful' on the street in the loudest manner possible but don't stand in front of a mirror for long periods of time obsessing over those parts you dislike. Seek help. This forum is here for you, I am here for you, it's time for you to be there for you. If you need human interaction, ask. I took a day to call around and find a low priced therapist who can listen to my worries and stresses. Someone that I can tangibly see and divulge my harshest criticisms and not worry that I'm being judged. BDD can lead to severe depression and can be debilitating some days. Don't forget that this is a disorder. A negative perception and energy that doesn't go away but yet can be diverted to better more positive thoughts and outcomes.

As far as relationships go, I have dated 2 guys who both had Scoliosis. One was severe and the other almost unnoticeable. Both were great guys that were attractive, funny, intellectual, and at some point in their lives very critical and sensitive about their condition. But when someone likes you like I liked them, it doesn't matter. That is why it is so hard with BDD. There is clearly something greater going on in the world but we cannot bring ourselves out of the negative isolated mind to see it.

If this helped or you would like to continue chatting hit me up. Be safe and be you