I've been hurting myself for a while, mostly scratching my arms with pins, and I know I shouldn't. I'm afraid it will escalate into something more, like razors, and I'll end up seriously injuring myself. I know the trigger is my gender identity, but I don't know what to do because that's something I can't change. It's often after someone says "You're not a boy" or a conversation about my future and how my parents want grandchildren (they want them to be related by blood, but it's likely I'll end up with a women). I feel like I should tell someone, but I don't want to be announced unfit to run for student government. I don't want to tell my parents today, especially since it's my dad's birthday, and all these thoughts are running through my head at once and I seriously don't know what to do!
Okay, bud. I've got scars crossing my arms and legs from when I tried to keep my depression hidden, so I know the temptation to escape from your doubts into something more tangible. When I started weaning myself off of the razor, I used red pens. Ballpoint or gel pens on my palms, because the sensation of it was calming, and the color was vivid enough to help me relive some pressure. Also, use ice on your arms instead of scratching yourself. Icey cold is intense, and if you just use ice cubes, you probably won't really harm yourself. Now, to the meat of the matter. There's absolutely never a best time to talk to your family, so waiting for a good time won't help you. When I came out to my religious mother as a tentative lesbian, I just got up from my bedroom chair and walked in to talk to her. Like jumping off a high diving board. Just do it. If you think, you over think and frighten yourself even more. If you feel more comfortable, tell only one parent at a time. First talk to the one you think will be most accepting, even by a small margin. Obviously your inner conflict is causing you pain, both mental and physical, in your attempts to deal with it. No parents want their children to be hurting. Even if they want grandchildren, your parents will most likely put you over their own desires. There may be a period of confusion, doubt, grief, and so on that they go through, but in the end, you are their kid, and they will love you just the same. Its up to you when to talk to your parents, but the longer you wait, the harder it's gonna get to make yourself do it, and I really don't want you to be hurting. I'm sure your mom and dad feel the same way. As for being called unfit to run for class president... I doubt that too. You don't have to come out publicly to your entire school, and even if you do, most people today are pretty tolerant, despite what seems to be the case. I wrote a paper on the legitimacy of transgender for an argument project, and in my class it was met with a general agreement. Those who didn't agree kept their mouths shut. Above all else, remember that you are a beautiful human being, no matter which gender you identify with, and no matter what your fears are.
Thanks you so much! I'll try my best to gather up some courage to tell them. And the pen thing sounds like a good idea. With the student government thing, I was just afraid if I told the counselor, they would think I wouldn't be able to handle the pressure and tell the school administrators not to let me run.
Nah. If anything, a good counselor would encourage you to run. All guys and gals, whether they're born in the right body or not, have stress and pressure. And especially in a time like this when you feel uncertain, that confidence boost of 'I can do this! Even if I lose, I can run for student government!' would definitely help. Not to mention, that counselors are supposed to be confidential. I have lots of other tricks if the pens don't work. I usually carry a length of cheap jewelry chain from the craft store in my pocket and play with that when my hands need something to do, when I'm stressed or anxious. I also just rub my palm with my thumb, or count to six in a 6/8 music time signature. ONE two three FOUR five six, repeat. I also keep a smooth, relatively small rock in my jacket pocket to toy with when I need distracting. I have clinical depression, so especially on days when I forget my medicine, I need ways to keep me from hurting myself. I'm always more than happy to share my tricks if it means helping someone else. My wall is always open if you want to chat.
