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Craving "Hookups"

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by NattyBoo33, May 22, 2014.

  1. NattyBoo33

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    Recently I've been having fantasies of hooking up with guys for sex.
    I'm very sexually inexperienced, which is probably the underlying cause of my urges and thoughts to hookup...
    Am I supposed to listen to or ignore these impulses? I think about doing it but I know I'm too shy and afraid of STDs or getting hurt/molested/killed.
    I find myself constantly browsing and msging people on dating apps to start conversations with them.
    There is no way I can stop thinking about it though, it's making me more horny than usual too...
     
  2. Chip

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    A lot depends on your motivation.

    It sounds like what you might really be seeking is connection. That's pretty common with oeople who are shy (which, by the way, comes from shame... in this case, a fear others won't like us.)

    If it is connection you're after, then hookup sex probably won't fulfill you and may well end up making you feel even shittier. The problem is, your hormones and the pleasant feelings one gets from orgasm get sort of intermixed with the desire for connection and it can be difficult to separate one from the other.

    Does any of the above resonate with you?
     
  3. NattyBoo33

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    I can relate to this, typically all of these feelings go away after I orgasm. Which doesn't mean it's not coming back shortly after. Last week I tried to 'connect' with a new friend I made but we just ended up doing sexual stuff more than what we intended on doing, which was play games, watch movies, etc and I feel as though it was mostly my fault. I feel terrible that we didn't do what we originally wanted to.
     
  4. Chip

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    Well as far as feeling terrible... it takes two to tango. So unless you really aggressively pushed the idea, I wouldn't feel bad about it. After all, if you'd planed to play games and watch movies and instead went to a park or a play or something like that... would you still feel terrible?

    The thing to remember is that sex (and that includes masturbation) isn't inherently anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It's just that most people do have some shame about it because society places a lot of value judgments on it.

    I do believe -- more from a combination of my own experiences, my knowledge of connection and psychology, and the input of various people -- that sex is something that can bring about a lot of strong emotions, and is therefore something best shared with someone where there's a real connection and meaning. And so I think that the experiences that happen with people you genuinely feel a connection to outside of just a sexual one will be more meaningful and fulfilling. But that doesn't mean that the lustful hookups are inherently bad, just usually not very fulfilling.

    As far as the feelings going away after orgasm... that's a direct biochemical reaction to the release of dopamine and serotonin that happens during orgasm, and the drop in those same hormones afterwards. There's an evolutionary reason for this: without it, we'd have never stopped having sex and wouldn't have done important things like find food. But now we just sort of learn to adapt to that and understand that it isn't driven by any inherent wrongdoing.

    If connection is really what you're after, then perhaps cultivating really meaningful friendships -- which there's close to zero chance of it happening on any of the hookup apps -- will likely make you happier.