Hi there, I was wondering if I could get some advice on something I've been going through in regards to my sexuality. Just to be really quick on my background, I am 24, male, and identify as gay. I only in the past few years came to the conclusion I was gay and when I did do that I felt absolutely right with my self. In high school, I was definitely attracted to boys emotionally, I used to find myself checking them out a lot but I was very naive when ti came to anything related to sex or orientation so I didn't quiet clue into labeling myself as gay. I had straight and homophobic friends so being young, I wanted their approval so I insisted all throughout my time in high school that I was straight, I even "tried" hard to like girls but it was never an organic feeling, I just didn't have any emotional connection to them.When I turned 21, I met a guy at school and he was my first ever full blown crush which lasted for a year. It was around that time I came out to myself as bisexual and then later on had to admit I actually was gay.The thing is that I never really went through any "denial phase" per se, when I said to myself "I am gay", it felt absolutely and utterly right, I felt happy about my attraction to men. That being said however, for the next three years I went through a lot of depression and isolated myself from people because I was afraid of the idea of coming out and no one accepting me, I simply kept my thoughts to myself. A year ago however, I went through a lot of anxiety with school and the prospect of moving out of my folks' house and living on my own and that anxiety spike led to something called HOCD. I basically began over thinking, more than usual, and started to believe that what if I wasn't gay, what if I was bisexual but honestly I can't imagine myself with a girl nor do I want to be with one but these obsessive thoughts filled my head and basically made my life a living hell, it still is eating me alive. I am not so bad now compared to a couple years ago but I still have my doubts and they worry me. One of the effects of this over thinking and constantly arguing with my brain and insisting that "I AM GAY AND NOT BI" has caused me to become exhausted and fatigued. I feel it has made me become weary of the idea of sexual attraction specifically towards men. I now find myself constantly forcing myself to like any random guy I see and if I can't muster feelings for them, again this is all due to the exhaustion, then my brain goes "aha! that means you're not gay, you're bi!" and it is a never ending battle. I also find myself being addicted to porn and forcing myself to get turned on by gay porn which is becoming incredibly hard because I feel there is a sort of "block" in my system. Physiologically speaking, I feel I can orgasm but I never am satisfied and I need to do it over and over again but there's no "release" I have surmised that what actually has happened is that my addiction to porn has caused me to become desensitized to it and I no longer feel anything, I'm numb, it really isn't me being bi or anything like that. Here is my main problem though and I've had this happen many times before too, I feel like when I came out to myself, on a surface level I utterly accepted it and loved it but on a subconscious level, I still harbor a sense of guilt and disdain for being gay so much so that whenever I see a guy I really think is incredibly attractive and I am into him, my brain conjures up thoughts of something disgusting like bodily functions that I CANNOT STAND. So my mind will sort of pair up these disgusting visuals or smells of certain bodily functions with the image of that cute guy and I get turned off. I have come to believe that my subconscious has created its own aversion therapy and it believes that being gay is wrong. I just want to end this to be quiet frank, I want to stop being trapped by thoughts. I wish I could talk to a professional but I don't have the income to do so and plus I feel so guilty about having these mental issues. Can anyone help me? How do I stop being so messed up?
