So this post has a mix of sexual, gender and mental health issues. There is a male part of me that is either my gender (trans) or part of my personality. Although for a while I accepted I was transgender, there's always been that sideline questioning that's probably a mix of anxiety, hanging on to the "old me", and probably some fear in there too, or stress/unhappiness. I have had issues with anxiety and depression for over a year. I've never had sex but masturbate often. I can feel frustrated that I don't have a penis (I often fantasise myself having a penis during maturation and it can make orgasm happen sooner or more mentally intense). I'm worried about having sex. I don't know how I'd feel about a strap-on since it's fake, but at the same time I don't want the anxiety of gender happening during it. What I've done since exploring my gender is categorising "states of mind" into "male" or "female". The female is more an idea now and, when it comes to sex anyway, would be unnatural. I've associated my vagina to this state of mind hence the reluctance to do it with what I have. As anyobe with anxiety/depression knows, you can keep yourself in a bad or low (or frankly shitty) mood. I can put or keep myself in this when around someone I really like, who if I let myself to I could have wild fantasies about and desires for. I'm a bit scared of these latter feelings as they can be quite strong. But it's dismal blocking/avoiding them and trying to stay feeling shit and fake. Sorry for the long post, but my sanity is at stake here.
If it were me, I would loosen up on the old me new me stuff. You are who you are and you are/will be constantly discovering new things about yourself every day. At least, I know I am. It sounds to me you keep yourself in bad moods so you don't have to confront how you really feel about other people? Maybe you should let yourself confront this? Sure it's scary... but... Do you really want to live your life afraid of who you are or who society thinks you should be? That's a question I think we all have to ask ourselves sooner or later... It seems to me you have a dominant personality. When it comes to eventually having sex though, try envisioning yourself as being the one "on top." So maybe, you should be looking for a partner that you can be the dominant part of? If it's a male: Make him be on the bottom so you can control/ride his penis and make it more of an extension of you. I know that sounds weird, but there is a reason why I like my GF to be on bottom, while I want to be the bottom when it comes to men. If its a female: there are many ways of being the dominant factor using toys while making sure you are both feeling nice. Or even not using toys... It all might be a bit awkward at first and here is why: Sex is challenging. You have to learn your partner, not the game. So... Don't be discouraged if it isn't what you think when you finally get to it. Please let me know if I misunderstood anything.
