1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Boyfriend prefers masterbation over sex? Advice?

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Patrick87, Jul 11, 2014.

  1. Patrick87

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2014
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. I'm
    27 and he's 28, and by far the best man I've ever been in a relationship with. I trust him and I know that I can always count on him. I love him. I'm very lucky.

    Our only issue seems to be sex. Let me preface that the sex is also the best sex I've ever had. I realized after being with him that all my previous partners were boys, and he is a man. There's a big difference (pun not intended).

    My issue is that the sex is infrequent. I realize that the frequency of sex tends to decline as time goes, but in my experience is has never been this infrequent this early on. It's usually once a week, sometimes nearly two weeks. We're both pretty busy, but I would say I stay over at his house 5 out of 7 days a week, so its not because we never see each other. I don't doubt that he loves me or finds me attractive (well, some days the latter is in question, though its not due to lack of verbal assurance on his part), but I'm concerned that he masterbates more than we copulate.

    Most guys know about "the towel". The one you use to clean up after coitus. Well, I've noticed that the towel is usually in a different place whenever I come over and it appears that it's getting plenty of use even in my absence. Cheating is most certainly not in question...well, at least not with another person.

    I've never been a big masterbater. Maybe it's my catholic upbringing that makes me feel guilt when I do it. I also just prefer sex. I've always thought of masterbation as something you do because you're single and there is no need when you have a significant other, which is why I'm concerned. If the placement and cleanliness of the love-towel is any indication, he has sex with himself far more than with me. I hate it when people say "it's just a guy thing". I'm a guy and I hardly ever masterbate, so it's obviously not gender-related.

    Also I usually have to initiate sex, which I don't mind, but he almost never does. And I'm tired of always being the one to start things. I want him to roll over and pin ME down for once.

    I attempted to bring it up once, but his response was "I love having sex with you! There's no problem at all." And that was it. I didn't want to push it any further, or bring up masterbation. I don't want him to get mad or self-conscious or defensive. We've had one fight in 10 months and I don't want this to be the second.

    When we fought before and were talking it out, I brought up that I felt we didn't have sex very often and asked him if there was anything I could do or he wanted to talk about. He said no.

    I do trust him. We talk about virtually everything. He's a very open and honest person. I know he feels that masterbation is normal and healthy, which I don't disagree with, unless you're in a relationship and you resort to that more than your boyfriend.

    I guess my main concern is that I don't want to seem controlling. He has stated in passing that he doesn't think there's anything wrong with masterbation or watching porn (I don't know if if he watches porn, I have no proof one way or another). I disagree, obviously, but we're both entitled to our opinions. And I don't want to be like, "Don't do that anymore!"

    I guess I could've been more open with my concerns and pressed the issue further when we discussed it previously. I did not ask about his masterbation habits.

    This is how I thought I might initiate the conversation:
    How many days a week would you say we see each other? Have often would you say we have sex? How often do you masterbate? Do you think the last two answers are related?

    Obviously I intend to bring it up in a less direct way, as to soften the impact, and preface it by saying I'm not judging or upset, just concerned.

    I know in previous relationship my ex had the same issue with me. But my issue was I had stopped taking care of myself and felt undesirable. I need to feel secure in my looks in order to enjoy sex. I know my current boyfriend feels the same way, and lately he's expressed concern about his fluctuating weight (it's literally like 3 lbs. He is gorgeous and I tell him that all day every day.) But I also know that he finds himself attractive. I see him flex in mirrors and check himself out often, so I know that's probably not it.
     
  2. Gravity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2011
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    256
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It sounds like the main issue here is that you feel like you're not getting as much sex as you'd like out of the relationship. That's totally legitimate of course, and something ultimately worth talking about with your boyfriend. With that in mind, though, a couple thoughts:

    First, it sounds like you're assuming guys' sex lives are a lot more standard than is probably the case. Once a week to once every two weeks may be plenty for some, just fine for some, and not enough for some. It's entirely possible that he's quite happy with this amount of sex. Plus, the fact that you don't technically live together (even if you spend the night at his place a lot) can cut down on how much sex you have a chance to have in the first place. In the end, it's not uncommon for one person in the couple to want more sex than the other person wants - this is just something you have to negotiate in a relationship, and it's likely to change over time, too.

    Second, regarding masturbation. I hate to say it, and I don't mean to imply that there's anything wrong with your personal feelings about the role you want it to play in your life, but I get the impression that you're in the minority here regarding frequency, watching porn, etc. I don't have actual numbers or statistics, nor do I think they would be particularly valuable if I did have them beyond giving general impressions, but it's been pretty widely concluded that masturbation is actually quite healthy and common for people, male or female, and that most people in happy relationships retain fairly active masturbation habits. Plus, from what I know, masturbation and sex are not necessarily mutually exclusive actions that you can exchange for each other - having more sex doesn't mean you need to masturbate less, in other words. It may mean your frequency slightly decreases, but I certainly wouldn't expect it to go away.

    So yes, overall, I think it's worth being open and honest with your boyfriend about this. Just try to approach the conversation without thinking that you've got it figured out already. Maybe he could have some body image issues, or something else, that is somehow "behind" this. Or maybe his sexual needs are just different than yours, and you two need to figure out how to work it out together.
     
  3. QueerTransEnby

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2014
    Messages:
    3,708
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I personally think masturbation should naturally be cut down if you have a partner. Then again, I rarely masturbate without porn. I feel like if you have a partner, then you should be more devoted to him or her. To the OP, I would recommend seeing if you can try to initiate more often. Maybe you could try mutual masturbation over penetration once in a little while?
     
  4. Auren

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2014
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    There are a bunch of things that could be going on, but my best guess is that he is able to get something out of watching porn that he either is afraid or embarrassed to ask you to do. If you're the kind of person who doesn't masturbate or watch porn so much, then you're probably not the kind of person who knows about all those kind of things, and he obviously likes you and does not want you to think poorly of him.

    I think it all comes down to comfort. When you're alone and masturbating, there is no need to worry about managing the reactions and expectations of your partner. There is no pressure to make it good or please someone or whatever. It takes much less mental energy. And if you're into something kinky, there is no judgment and no need to explain.

    Maybe try having him show you what he watches and/or masturbate together sometimes? Try to find out his fantasies. If he is unwilling to initiate, that might suggest that he has a submissive side or that he really needs an invitation to be the one who initiates (or both).

    Talking about the frequency will probably make matters worse because it will just put more pressure on him to perform, which will make him (and probably you) both less comfortable. If he gets off on pleasing you or vice versa, then that could make sex more difficult for you two.
     
  5. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Has he ever refused sex when you have initiated it? If not, it could be that he is lacking in confidence rather than desire.

    Slightly more personal questions? Is he topping or bottoming, or both and is he definitely happy with the role/s? Does he have any anxiety about cleanliness in either/both roles?

    It's not easy to tell your boyfriend or partner that you are unhappy about some aspect of your sexual relationship - he may worry about upsetting you. Not necessarily a lack of desire, maybe lack of confidence in speaking out??

    Just some things to consider.
     
  6. mangotree

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2014
    Messages:
    1,322
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Queensland, Australia
    I was actually in the exact same position as your boyfriend with my last relationship (which is now unfortunately over).

    He raised his concerns with me a number of times re how regularly I masturbated Vs how often we had sex etc... He felt the same way that you do; that I shouldn't need to masturbate at all when I can have sex pretty much any time I want. Yet, whether it was out of habit or need - I don't know - but I felt like I would go crazy if I didn't masturbate at least 3 times a week.

    From about the 3 month mark to the 6 month mark (when it ended) I tried to work out why I didn't want to have sex with him as much as he did with me.
    I never did work it out, but here's some of the things that went through my head when trying:
    I was really really used to being single and sharing everything with someone felt weird and scary, I thought it could be our age differences (he was a bit younger than me), our maturity levels, my body insecurities, my penis size insecurities, my insecurities about not being able to get it up all the time, my insecurity about taking a really really long time to "finish", my bad diet, my not feeling comfortable being naked, my not feeling comfortable sharing a bed with someone even while sleeping, feeling obliged to do it every weekend because we needed to make the most of our two days a week together instead of just doing it spontaneously, having been single for a long time before the relationship - i found it very difficult to change my masturbation habits, also as a result of being single and basically celibate for a long time before - I wasn't used to having sex regularly, a lot of the time the sex kind of felt awkward or uncoordinated or messy to me, sometimes I felt like people next door or his housemate could hear us doing it, his bed was a bit uncomfortable and squeeky, our kissing techniques were a bit incompatible so found it a little bit difficult to get turned on sometimes, when I touched him intimately in any way he would get an erection straight away but he never had the same effect on me so I felt a bit defective, my level of confidence and self-love wasn't at it's peak so at times I couldn't figure out why he was attracted to me like he was, sometimes I felt like he saw himself as the smarter or more accomplished out of the two of us which gave my masculinity and ego a bit of a blow, sometimes it felt like - no matter how much I instructed him - he couldn't figure out how to touch me the way that I liked, and lots more...

    You might read all of this and wonder how the heck we made it to six months. Everything except the sex was absolutely amazing though and we still love each other as friends.

    Hope that helps.

    Peace! (*hug*)
     
  7. KyleD

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,094
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    If you are unsatisfied with something in a relationship you need to speak up. Communication is so important. It's best to use "I" words than "you" words though so it doesn't seem accusatory.
     
  8. Davidg

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2015
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    kelowna
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think you should join in on the action. Talk to him find out what you're missing in the masterbation department. Mutual is fun. Maybe that will help you get over the religious upbringing. You got over that enough to have a bf which would most likely have been a sin. Not being mean just trying to put into perspective. I love pleasing me i love porn. I think both can be healthy. Maybe talking to him and finding out how he does it will teach you about his body and what he really likes. I love watching someone masterbating they know their happy spots way better then you. You might learn a better method for yourself even.
     
  9. Theron

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2014
    Messages:
    405
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Communication is key, short and simple answer. Talk to him about it.

    My fiance and I have had the stress of selling our other house, buying a new one, packing and moving, starting renovations...we went over a month with no sex and he was getting very short and snippy with me and I finally sat him down and asked him what was going on. Turned out he was very unhappy with the lack of sex. I'd been fine with it because I don't have the same level of interest.