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they don't enjoy sex

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by SLguys, Aug 30, 2014.

  1. SLguys

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    I live with two guys. One is 45 and we've been together for 22 years. The other is 22 and has been with us about three months. I am 52.

    Recently, I learned my lover of 22 years doesn't enjoy sex. He's not saying he dislikes having sex with me. He doesn't enjoy it, period. He says he feels guilty when he ejaculates and that he goes to "dark places" at orgasm.

    The younger fellow dislikes sex too. He masturbated himself to orgasm while we massaged him. That was a one-time event about two weeks ago. He says he was hoping it would be different for him, but he says it did nothing and that he doesn't get pleasure from sex.

    The two younger guys are not fooling around on the side with each other or anyone else. They're just "broken" when it comes to enjoying sex.

    So we're three guys living together but I seem to be the only one that enjoys the intimacy of sex. I love both of them, so it's very frustrating and depressing.

    Any advise?
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    First, before somebody brings up unrecognized labels and asexuality, I suspect that both of these issues are psychological, not any sort of hardwired or otherwise unrecognized orientation.

    For your partner, it sounds like there's a lot of unresolved shame there. The guilt and dark places that happen at the time of orgasm are nearly always part and parcel of that. Often it comes from very deeply rooted feelings early in life. If he has any history of sexual abuse or molestation, that's the most likely source, but it can come from other places as well.

    For your younger friend, it's more difficult to say without more information, but very commonly, the "did nothing for him" feeling associated with orgasm is an indication of someone who is emotionally unavailable and cut off from his feelings. Often people don't realize how strongly orgasm (at least, *good* orgasm) is tied in with emotional vulnerability. People who have difficulty feeling real, intense joy or grief or anger will also have difficulty having any real deep sensations or feelings surrounding orgasm. Again, this almost always stems from childhood issues, which could also be some sort of abuse, but equally likely a lack of deep emotional connection with parents growing up. Usually, this too has roots in shame.

    Doing the work to get past these issues can be intense, and for people not used to being open with emotions, downright terrifying. But the benefits far outweigh the discomfort of doing the work... it's just a matter of reminding oneself of that long enough to start the process. Usually the initial fear of going into the feelings is a lot worse than actually going into them.

    It's best done with a therapist, but it's also possible to do this work on your own, but it always requires someone trustworthy (partner/friend) who is equally willing to do the work, to talk about and process with. Since shame is something we experience as a loss of connection the way we heal it is through connection and empathy.

    One starting place is Brené Brown's excellent TED talk videos. She's a brilliant researcher/storyteller who mixes humor and humility into very practical knowledge about what goes on when we experience shame and lack of vulnerability. I'd start with "The Price of Invulnerability"
    [youtube]_UoMXF73j0c[/youtube]

    and then The Power of Vulnerability
    [youtube]iCvmsMzlF7o[/youtube]

    There are a number of other videos worth watching if the first two make a connection, and her books "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly" are a great place to gain a deeper understanding of the work.

    For the younger fellow there are also practices and exercises that can help enhance and improve the quality of orgasm, that may also start connecting him better to the feelings overall. If that's of interest, you can send me a PM for more details.

    I hope this helps!
     
  3. SLguys

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    Thank you for the information. PM sent for those details.
     
  4. itsAli

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    Dude! You're not broken if you don't like sex okay?
    I'm asexual, I don't like it, I mean, I can do it, but I don't really feel compelled and it doesn't really do anything for me, doesn't make me broken does it? The one who masturbated sounds like he could be asexual.
     
  5. Benway

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    Hmm, this whole situation sounds kind of familiar-- I had an online relationship with a guy in his 50s for a few years who claimed his boyfriend (they were in an open relationship) just didn't get off on him.

    As for me, like I said, I've only had one sexual encounter and it was with a woman, this was last year and I didn't orgasm at all-- which is really strange. My one friend said that it was 'impossible' that I didn't orgasm on my first time engaging in sex but another friend said it was performance anxiety or something. Others in my life have speculated that my latent homosexuality plays a huge factor in it and if I were to finally build up the gall and hook up with a guy I'd come.

    I'm not really sure, I'm just saying I can kind of relate to the story.
     
  6. SLguys

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    Bad choice of words on my part. Neither of my boyfriends is broken, but they have become disconnected emotionally from sex.

    When the issue arose, the older of the two told me that he suppressed his sexual desires to avoid straying, which had been an issue in the past. He feels that he probably suppressed the desire so much that it is affecting his desire to the extreme that he has lost interest. The younger one went through a couple of abusive relationships, and I wonder if sex became an act instead of a pleasure.

    The older boyfriend is working with his therapist to conquer his issue. The younger one is doing the same and even talked this week about "when" our relationship evolves into one that includes sexual contact.

    All is not hopeless. My goal is to help both of them in any way they desire. From the sound of it, they both want to enjoy sex again, but until they reconnect emotionally with it, they will not feel the pleasure they otherwise would.
     
  7. resu

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    Is the younger one financially independent? How did he come to be you and your older lover?
     
  8. IrishEyes1989

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    I'm sorry to hear that your partners aren't enjoying sex. That's clearly hard for you and justifiably so. Has your longer term partner, the one who is 45, ever had problems with sex in the past or is it just recently?