It hasn't been recent, I've always had a kind of "Ugh, I hate myself" thought. But recently, I've been having thoughts that have freaked me out! I've realised all sorts of painful stuff that has happened to me in the past and when I weigh it all down I just think, "My life is messed up, I'm messed up". I cry myself to sleep, I'm always angry, I hate seeing myself in the mirror, I hate myself in general. I've just been so depressed and sad. I don't cut, but I dig my nails into my hands until it bleeds. I think of hurting people and I think of suicide. I just want a of this to end. I've never cried in front if anyone other than my mum. But I just hold it back now. Then when I start crying, it doesn't stop. I just want to be normal, like everyone expects me to be. I'm a "truthful Christian" and will soon have a husband and kids...thats what my family expects from me. I have good grades and I act happy all the time, but really, I'm crying inside. I'm not what my mum wants me to be, I'm just a disappointment! I hate living like this. I don't know what to do anymore...
It doesn't matter of what people think of you. I felt the same way you did. You are completely normal and beautiful inside and out. Think of the positive things in your life, like your grades. I'm here if you need me. I'm a religious Christian but my parents are proud of me for who I am. Just know God will never stop loving you. I love you and God loves you and there's nothing you can do about it. If you need a shoulder to cry on I have two virtual ones.
Do you think you can tell us any more about the painful stuff that has happened to you? Coping often begins with sharing and that means opening up and letting people in. How about it? We'd like to understand what the painful stuff was/is, if you can tell us. As I read through your post the word hate came up a number of times. Hate is a small, but powerful word and when we turn it on ourselves it's totally defeating. The overall tone of your posting is one of defeat and resignation, but you have it within you to turn it around. Really, you do! Although you can't click your fingers and magically change your feelings, you can make a change to the way you describe your feelings. You can decide to not use strong words and terms that have the effect of piling on the misery. When we are very low the language we use can have a great impact on our feelings and self perception (greater than we realise) - if we describe ourselves as a "mess" or "disappointment" we can start to accept it as reality. So what we think, we become. You have the power to change that now, by simply adjusting your language and refusing to speak in those self loathing terms. Holding back your feelings is never a good idea as the pressure builds from within and feeds the depression and sense of despair. I'd really encourage you to talk to someone. We can offer a bit of support on this forum and as we only know you by your username that may give you the confidence to be more candid about what's happening. I do hope so. If you can bring yourself to tell us more, I'm sure others will read and respond too.
I dont know what youve been through and im not going to say I know how you feel because I dont, but I do know that ive had suicidal thoughts, and i just want you to know although it may not seem like it, people care about you. Stay strong, i believe in you