So it's been almost a year since I was assaulted. The details are fuzzy because I was barely conscious at the time. I was 16, and had a friend who was 18. He assaulted then stalked me. He assaulted several other girls, and my school did nothing to help us. I was even called a liar to my face by the nurse, who later told my mother that I was a liar. Since then I have come to accept a few things about myself, including sexuality and gender identity. The police never got involved in this situation, which I regret, but I don't know if I could do anything about it now, a year later. My main question is, after I got over the trauma of what he did to me and the rumors he spread about me, I started to not quite forgive him, but to accept that he is a bad person who has done this to 8 different girls, including me, and is it normal to not forgive the assaulter but to accept the event and in a way pray that they see the error in their ways? I'm just confused about my feelings towards him, which evolved from hatred to anger to depression and denial, eventually to acceptance. Is it strange that I have found a way to not hate him, even after what he's done to me and the other girls? I can't say I forgive what he's done, and I feel the need to stress that.
First of all, it is not too late to go to the police. I reported my sexual assault almost twelve years later and he went to prison for a while. Everyone calling you a liar is, unfortunately, par for the course for us survivors. It is normal not to forgive the assaulter, but to come to terms with the event. Some of us spend our whole lives trying to come to terms with it so you're ahead of the game on that one, but don't feel badly if you revert back to different stages of your coping (hatred, denial, etc) because that is perfectly normal. Being confused about your feelings, especially this soon after the assault happened, is also normal. Are you seeing a therapist? I would suggest both a therapist and a sexual assault support group. Those are two things that can really help you sort through the mix of emotions you are dealing with. *hugs* I'm sorry you went through that and I think you are very brave to be where you are emotionally after such a short period. Obviously I don't know where you live so I can only give general resources, but these are a few sites that have really helped me cope with my sexual assault. Talking really does help significantly. http://pandys.org/forums/ and https://rainn.org/ I hope they might be helpful. Stay strong and be kind to yourself. You've been through a lot. (*hug*)
First of all, I'm terribly sorry that happened to you You should definitely report it though. Better late than never. He needs to know that what he did is completely unacceptable, and that he will have consequences. He was legally an adult, and you were a child. The very least f what he deserves is to have his life fucked to shit by having to register as a sex-offender and a pedophile. (Please excuse my language, but I'm very, very angry about this.) Nothing that will happen to him will ever come close to what you must feel emotionally every day when that event crosses your mind. He needs to be held responsible for his despicable actions. Stand up for your dignity and show him who's boss. *hugs*
I tried to bury things for decades but thanks to jerry Sandusky they came back. I went to pittsburgh action against rape and had the best counseling of my life. It was very hard to walk into the building the first few times but everything got easier. I've even started to write about if in my newspaper column. I don't think if make it without their help. If there is something similar where you live, contact them. They'll help you.
Thanks for the support so far, and I still hold a bit of anxiety over going to the police about this. A bit more information about my life since the event: I have been in therapy for a while now, for my anxiety and social disorders. I had a loving boyfriend for over a year before this happened, and felt so upset about the excuse my assaulter used. It made me feel like it was my fault, even though I knew it wasn't. He said because I had consensual sex with my boyfriend before that I was "fair game" which I knew was wrong, but couldn't shake feeling like I was at fault. The other victims were huge is supporting me, and it upsets me that when the six of us (at the time he hadn't assaulted two of the girls I now know about) all went together to the student disciplinary office in my school and told our stories, we were ignored. There were a lot of tears and a lot of anxiety. We were told he'd never do that to anyone because he was troubled since his mom is disabled and his dad is dead. I regret to say I didn't fight then, out of fear. My boyfriend, who I am still dating, was a huge help for me. I was scared of even being touched by a man by accident. He was a blessing in that he didn't expect me to "just get over it" or anything like that. He let me regain comfort and trust at my own pace, which helped more than people realize. Having a man I love who is willing to help me slowly to regain my comfort was great. We started basically from the beginning, hand holding to hugging and so on. I actually saw my assaulter around town not too long ago. I am proud to say that I didn't panic. I let him pass me on the sidewalk, and felt confident in myself, even when he said "Fuck you whore bitch" which in hindsight is kind of funny. I unfortunately have a long history of sexual assault and harassment. Once again, thank you all for offering your advice and stories. It helps me to see how others cope. (&&&)
