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My sex life sucks (nsfw)

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by elliot96, Nov 28, 2014.

  1. elliot96

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    I'm having problems with my partner of two years. She's a girl and I'm a biological female so we have the same parts, and I use a strap on when we have sex because I find deeper satisfaction in that (no pun intended).
    Even from the start of our relationship she never wanted to give me oral sex or even touch me, and whenever she tried she was incredibly awkward about it. I love her and I love her body but she really doesn't desire me in the same way, which has led to me looking for passionate sex outside the realm of our relationship.

    We love each other, and we are strong, but she recently told me that she thinks she has asexual qualities in the way that she doesn't feel sexual attraction towards me - but she enjoys sex.
    Sex is very important to me in a relationship, and I'm not sure how to take this news. I want to hopefully spend my life with her, but I feel like I'm not desired at all. It leaves me frustrated and neglected, and is now having an impact on other parts of our relationship.

    Help?
     
  2. Really

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    What makes her think she has asexual qualities? Maybe some physical or mental health issue is currently making her feel a bit cruddy and needs looking into? Are other factors in her life acting up now, stressing her out? I would see if you two can suss out what might be making her less than happy and see if things improve in the bedroom, without focusing on them specifically.
    A quick visit to the doctor for a checkup. Maybe it can be taken care of in short order?
     
  3. elliot96

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    Well, now she's come to the conclusion that she enjoys sex but just doesn't enjoy giving, and that does not make her asexual, which is good news I guess. But I'm still so confused about what's actually happening inside her head, and how on Earth I can help her with all of these questions.
    I think her mental health has a lot to do with it, and there are things from her past that she is reluctant to confront. Stress could also be a big part of it. She's the kind of person who will always insist that she is fine until she physically falls apart in your arms. I hate seeing her so unhappy. I just know that there is an underlying problem.

    Thank you for your kind words and advice x
     
  4. Really

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    Is she the same age as you? That's quite young to have such emotional turmoil. Does she get help for her stress, etc? Would probably help.

    As for the sex. Does she do anything to give pleasure to you? Is she uncomfortable, not interested or really doesn't like to? I'm thinking her age/experience might have something to do with it and she might just need time to get to the same place as you. I know you said it's been two years but 16 is pretty young to expect someone to embark on a mature sexual relationship.

    Maybe stick to stuff up to but not including actual sex for a while and, once she's gotten some help for her stress, see if things don't improve.
     
  5. elliot96

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    She's 19 and I'm 18, so there's only a year between us. She has been to therapists but she is very good when it comes to smiling and laughing and pretending everything is okay. She has this deep-seated fear of opening up to people, and while I did insist that she see a psychologist, they came back with nothing.

    She does do some things, but it's always very awkward and uncomfortable for the two of us. We both have some difficulties when it comes to intimacy I think, so it could be that it's not entirely on her. She's interested in me, but she isn't interested in sex with anyone else. I just don't think she can imagine it because it's always been me. I started quite young so I have a bit more experience than she does, as she has only ever been with me and that's been two years.

    Thanks so much for your kind words, it's invaluable to have a second opinion on matters such as these x
     
  6. Really

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    Hmmm. I don't really know. Although, some more time with some sort of counsellor/psychologist certainly couldn't hurt. And communication. Evidently, that's very helpful. :} Sorry.
     
  7. Honestly (and I really hate to say this) I think that most of this is put on. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who doesn't desire me sexually. For her to say that she "doesn't like giving" is a cop out. Even if it is true, you clearly desire more, so I would definitely move on.
     
  8. drwinchester

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    :frowning2:

    This was the case with the last two girls I tried to have relationships with. None of them wanted sex and it kind of felt like they only got with me because they didn't want a guy who could physically penetrate them. So yeah, it hurt. I remember sharing a bed with my ex-girlfriend, pressed right up against her, knowing she'd never want sex and I never wanted to bring it up again.

    So...yeah. I would suggest leaving. It's clear she doesn't respect your needs (in sex, you have to be willing to please your partner too, it goes both ways), and you're not happy. I don't care how nice she is. If you're not happy, it's not going to be a happy relationship. Stay friends with her but find someone who's sexually compatible with you.
     
  9. elliot96

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    This has certainly given me plenty to think about. Thank you all so much for your advice, it is much appreciated and helps immensely.

    ---------- Post added 12th Dec 2014 at 11:40 AM ----------

    It's just...kind of killing my self esteem.
     
  10. stocking

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    Believe it or not but some women who are into women don't enjoy doing oral sex or giving their partners pleasure . Maybe just maybe she's scared to do oral sex ? or maybe she's still not comfortable with her attraction to women .
     
    #10 stocking, Dec 11, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2014
  11. elliot96

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    I identify as mostly male, so maybe I haven't brought that point home. Either way I'm going to have to talk to her about it, but whenever I bring it up she starts to cry.
     
  12. drwinchester

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    Then she's obviously not respectful or mature enough to have an honest conversation. Man, you deserve so much better than a glorified 12 year old. She's selfish, childish and I'd hate to see anyone trapped in a relationship where they have to be ashamed of their own feelings and desires.
     
  13. elliot96

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    I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I feel utterly alone. She is my entire world, and I desperately want to make it work, but I'm miserable.
     
  14. DawnM

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    I would say you need to seriously consider other aspects of your relationship, and if they're helathy. I may be completely off base here, but look into the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship. it's not an easy thing to realize you're part of until you're presented with the facts.

    I hope that I'm wrong, but considering what you've said it's something to look in to.
     
  15. scouse

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    You cant help her much until you actually know what is going on in her head. What are the barriers to her giving? How can you both work around them? This unfortunately probably going to involve delving into her past - if she is ready for that. Ultimately, you also need to be clear about your needs. Then see if you can find some way to give each other what you both need.
     
  16. elliot96

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    This support is seriously overwhelming. To be perfectly honest I was not expecting anything like this at all. I was anticipating the opposite. I thought that my fears would be confirmed and I would be told that I am just being selfish and to get over it, which is what my inner monologue has comprised of for weeks now. You have all been so endlessly kind and understanding. I really never thought I'd be met with any kind of compassion - I was hopelessly wrong. Thank you for helping to dismantle some of my bleak outlook on life and this situation I seem to be trapped in. I sleep easier knowing that I am not as wrong as I initially thought.