I’ve recently accepted that I like guys and I’ve realized that there’s no good that can come of trying to deny it or hide it. I’ve also realized that my depression, anxiety and emotional eating were caused by me not being comfortable with myself. I had hoped that once I accepted myself and came out to a few friends I would feel less anxious, but this is not the case. I feel horrible that I haven’t talked to my family about me, but I know that there will be repercussions. Its not that my parents will kick me out (even if they did I would just live at my friend’s house, her mom knows and she said “that’s ok, he’s still my son”), but I’m worried about how others will react; even teachers have described my school as a toxic environment. I know that when people hear about me they will hurls insults at not only me, but also the people closest to me. I could take it if they just antagonized me, but I don’t want to put my friends and my sister that. I know that the best way to deal with depression, anxiety and emotional eating is to discover the source and make changes, but that isn’t going to happen for a while; I need to wait until I’m ready. Does anyone know of a way to help control or lessen anxiety and emotional eating without addressing the issue causing them?
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Anxiety, depression & eating problems aren't fun or easy to deal with. I'm in a similar state but my issues aren't just about my sexuality. there isn't much you can do without addressing the main problem, even if you go on medication you still have to make changes and talk about whats upsetting you. I'm guessing that your anxiety and depression are enough of a problem to disrupt your life or you wouldn't have posted this question, so my only advice would be to go see a therapist where you can talk about whats troubling you without having to come out before your ready. anyways i hope this helped in some way (*hug*)
It's unlikely that you'd see improvement without changing the underlying situation that's causing the stress in your life. However, without chaning the actual situation, you can try changing your attitude towards it. You can let it really get to you, or you can decide that it's not something that you can control, and therefore not something you should concern yourself with. I try to live by the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. So it's a matter of deciding what the things are you can do something about, and what the things are that you just have to accept as they are. I would say that if you feel worse NOT telling your parents than you likely would telling them, then you should go ahead and tell them. It sounds like you might be in that place now. But there's no rush either. Instead of agnoizing over it all the time, decide that you're NOT going to tell them for a week, or a month, or some other predetermined length of time. At the end of that time, you'll consider it again. But living every day sitting on the edge of your seat with "I'm GAY!" on the tip of your tongue isn't much fun. Good luck!
I have been to therapist in the past and I didnt like going. I am the first one who will admit that I have trust issues so you can imagine talking to a stranger and telling them everything about you. I always felt like I was forced into going by my parents (I pretty much was) and all conversations were forced as well. I have talked with 5 different therapists and all have for the most part made my life more stressful. The last therapist I talked to said ‘you will talk when you’re ready, you’ll do things when you’re ready” and I was glad because I didn’t think I would feel forced into doing anything. Unfortunately I was wrong and she made me try talking to my dad during my sessions. He complained about all his ‘problems’ (I use quotes only because many of these issues are things that he created himself) and if it was pointed out that he should talk to someone other than me about it, he never did. So my experience was bad because I went in and didn’t talk, he did and he complained without letting me explain anything that he might have misunderstood, which is pretty much everything about me. I am going to talk to my school guidance counselors about my problems so that I can have an adult’s opinion on it. I really trust her and I already tried to talk to her a few days ago, but I chickened out. She was very reassuring and told me ‘there’s nothing that you can say that will make me think that you’re not still you, I will always think you’re a good kid.” She has been helpful in the past with talking about my depression and I know that she will be helpful now. The reason that I want to talk to her is that Im unsure if I'm bi orr gay and it would be nice to have some help figuring that out. I like the idea of setting a date and thinking about if I want to come out then, but I’m a worrier, it runs in my family. I’ve decided that I’m going to tell my older sister before my parents because I know that she cares about me a lot. When she was still in school she would defend me when people were picking on me and calling me a girl so I’m pretty sure that she might already know, and if she doesn’t I don’t think it will matter. The only thing is, she’s at college so I don’t see her much. She’s coming home this weekend for her birthday, do you think it would be too weird to come out then? thanks for your help
Omg you don't know how much that sounds like me. Ive been to four therapists and was forced each time by my parents and every session i wouldn't talk because i cant open up to people i trust let alone people Ive just met. & all the times when my parents came in it was them bitching about things that are so far off point. Going to your guidance councilor sounds like the best option. she sounds like some one you can trust and open up to, hopefully it will relieve some of your stress and anxiety. plus your parents wont be able to interfere with the situation. & about telling your sister when she comes to stay id wait till after her actual birthday if possible as it is her day. but your sister does sounds like a good person for you to come out to just wait till the time feels right. again i hope this helps
yea, im going to go and talk to my guidance counselor if its the only thing that i do during school tommorow. My friends have been supportive and everything, but I think I really need to talk to an adult about it. It’s Friday tomorrow so it will be my last chance to talk to her before this weekend. I am so stressed right now. I broke my right thumb about a week ago and I’m right handed so I can’t write, or do much of anything really. I feel bad because I have to ask my mom for help with just about everything and I hate putting so much stress on her. Plus I’m a really independent person so it’s hard for me to admit that I can’t do something on my own. I really wish that I could write because writing is what helps me get through stress. I can release my feelings, thoughts and fears on paper, but now I can only type with my left hand, which isn’t the same as writing it, part of the therapy is putting the pen to the paper. I also haven’t been sleeping much, and when I do sleep I don’t sleep well. I’ve been getting around 4 hours of sleep a night and it’s really wearing me down. I can feel myself getting more and more exhausted and more irritable and frustrated more easily. I also eat more and more junk food because I’m stressing. I have so much work to do but I can’t concentrate on any of it because I’m worrying about my life.
So I talked to my guidance counselor and I actually told her. We talked for a while but then I just said “I like guys”. She just said “ok, so what? I have lots of gay friends, its fine. It really shouldn’t matter who you like, but to some people it will” Then we just talked about how narrow-minded people at my school are and she advised me not to say anything to anyone that I couldn’t trust because for me school is toxic enough as it is. She talked about her gay friends and said that there are actually more gay/bi people in my school than anyone would believe, or care to admit. I told her that I was still confused and wasn’t sure if I was bi or gay and she said “You’re young, don’t label yourself just yet; date who you think you want to date and you’ll figure it out from that.” I understand what she means, but I would feel bad if I was dating a girl and then I realized that I was gay. I mean how do you tell the person that you’re dating that you’re gay? The other thing is, it wouldn’t be a good idea to tell her I am gay because she might tell the whole school and then hell would break loose. I doubt that she would tell anyone if that happened like that, but ii know that I would be hurt if someone started dating me and realized that they don’t even like me, and that they never really did. Any advice? Do you think there is a way to figure out if I’m bi or gay without dating and involving someone that might get hurt? My friend’s mom has a cousin that has good gaydar from being around her gay friends. They told her that I came out because she always knew and she started talking to them about me. They decided that it might be a good idea to go to the mall or something to talk about it. It sounds like a nice idea because I know that all of them know and I wouldn’t have to pretend to be someone else, but I wonder if it will be awkward. They also thought that I could talk to one of her gay friends just so I had someone that wasn’t straight to talk to. That also sounds nice because I’ve never really talked to an out gay person and I have no gaydar so I don’t know if I’ve talked to a closeted gay person, haha. I’m really glad that they all know, and are really supportive about it. I’m also really glad that they came up with those ideas because really wanted to talk about it, but I’m easily embarrassed and I wouldn’t want to start talking about it if I didn’t know that they were ok with it. I know that some people may be accepting but may still feel weird talking about it. Ok one last thing, so far 4/5 people I’ve told sort of knew before I told them. How do they know, I didn’t think it was that obvious. Please let me know what sets off your gaydar so I can try not to be detected so easily and of course so I can develop mine
I'm glad you were able to talk to your counsellor. She sounds awesome, and I think she gave you some really good advice. Congrats! I wouldn't suggest dating someone you don't even like. While I hear you when you say 'you're a worrier' that to me sounds like an excuse to not heed the advice you're getting. You don't date people if you're not attracted to them or feel comfortable doing it. So if you aren't attracted to someone right now, then don't date. My opinion, and to some extent my experience, is that if you think you like guys, despite society's overwhelming signals that you're really 'supposed to' like girls, then I'd say you're definitely at least bi. So then whether you're gay or bi, what difference does it make? You cand decide 20 years from now, after dating only guys that entire time, that you're gay. It will be awkward - but likely only for a minute or two. So I'd say a minute or two of awkwardness is definitely worth it given you'd have someone to talk to in person about all this stuff going on in your life. I know how lonely and isolating it feels to think or to know that you're gay and be the only one that knows about it... I'd say definitely you should go for it!
yea, my guidance counselor is really great. she was really pateint when i went to talk to her and sat there for 40 minutes not saying much. haha, i was really nervous because i wasnt sure how to explain myself. i know that i shouldnt date someone im not attracted to. i think that im attracted to her but im not sure if im still telling myself i should like girls even though i know it doesnt matter who i like. yea, i agree that an awkward moment would be worth being able to talk to someone about what im feeling. thats why i told my counselor, i knew it would be weird to tell her what was on my mind but i knew that i needed someone to talk to.
