No on cares

When you bottle up your feelings for so long and deny yourself an outlet for the fear, insecurities and distress it just continues to eat away at your from the inside. The longer it continues, the worse it becomes. Three years of bottled up feelings is too much for anyone, so there is little wonder you feel so low right now.

I'm sorry your friend turned his back on you when you needed him most, but please don't think that will always happen. When something like that does happen, you lose hope and it is very hard to put your trust in people again, but the whole world is not like that. If you look at this forum you will find some very kind and loving people who will gladly befriend you and share in your ups and downs. They are not atypical from people in real life either... you just need to maintain belief. The fact that I am taking time to reply to you, hopefully demonstrates that I care.

I've had a look at your profile and I notice you have been a member for a while but you have only posted 10 times. That's not a criticism at all (some people are frequent visitors, others less so), but you haven't really given us chance to offer support and advice while you have been hurting so much. Try us. Our advice may not be entirely right for you, but you can at least consider it and use it to find your own way. At the very least we can give you an outlet and offer emotional support - that's got to be worth something, right?

If you're not in the best place to support other people, that's fine. We understand that you might not be strong enough for that, but you could join in some of the more light-hearted discussions and just use EC for connecting with people and making friends. It sounds like you need that right now. I hope you will consider it.

Do you have a roomate now at college, or are you still alone? When you are low on confidence and struggling with self esteem it's very easy to convince yourself that you are not suited to friendship and that you are somehow unworthy. It's like there is an inner voice telling you things that sound true, even if they are not. In reality, has anyone suggested that they don't want to hang-out with you socially after classes? Just looking at your profile pic, I can't imagine anyone would not warm to you. I'm not just saying it to be kind either.

You have every right to feel low and upset about the loss of your friend. It sounds like she was a very special person. Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? All too often we close down conversations about people who have died when we really should be talking about them a lot more. Just because someone is no longer alive, we have memories that live on and deserve to be shared. Tell us more about your friend, if you can.

It sounds like the loss of confidence and low self esteem is really convincing you that you are unworthy and unlikeable. That inner voice of negativity and doubt has had three years to embed itself now and you are having these despairing thoughts of ending it all. You have pretty much closed yourself off from life and living as a result. What do you imagine it would achieve to end it all? It's okay to talk about these thoughts and feelings.

If you were able to find a way of regaining some confidence and over-coming the shyness (maybe through classes or therapy) how much of a difference would it make to your outlook on life? Are you willing to consider confidence building courses or therapy to deal with some of the issues?

Quite a few questions to ponder, I know, but I hope you will come back to us with your thoughts. We are here for you and if you need support and friendship that what EC is all about. Stop bottling it up and give yourself a chance - you are better than you think you are. (*hug*)

 

Okay, I may be a teenager, and nobody gives a shit about what I have to say sometimes, but DON'T, please don't end your life! It's so tragic that your friend had passed away, but sometimes things like this happen, and blaming someone's death on yourself is a no no. For all I/you know, your friend may have gotten you to this point in life, she supported you, and pushed you to fight, so honor her by continuing your journey, and spice it up a little!

I know that low self-esteem/confidence may be an issue, but push yourself to meet new people. Instead of going to your room after class, join some kind of club, go to the library and talk with someone new, just put yourself out there. You're already a step closer to acquiring some friends, and it's us; Empty Closet users!

Distract yourself from these thoughts, do something you will enjoy! Treat yourself with something nice! Also don't confine yourself to just texting people, actually go and hang out with them, get to know them more! If you ever need to talk with someone, I frequently check these forums so you can leave me a message, or you can talk with other people on here!

I know that it may seem rough right now, but it will get better!

 

DONT blame yourself for her death its only gonna make you hurt more, i know how it can be to have low self-esteem i have bottled up my feelings for some years and its no good, and please, dont kill yourself i looked at your profile you seem like an awesome person to talk to, so push claw your way out of your room drag yourself if you have to (not really!) and try something new, food, clubs, talk to new people just dont stay in your castle of sadness and pain

 

I'm not going to sit here peacefully while someone wants to kill themselves, but I've never been any good with words. Instead, please listen to the words of Theodor Seuss Geisel, otherwise known as Dr. Seuss:
“With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.” You know killing yourself won't do anyone any good, deep down. You're smart enough to know a Not-So-Good street when you see one.

"I've heard there are troubles of more than one kind; some come from ahead, and some come from behind. But I've brought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see; now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Yes, life is going to be shit at times. It will, without question. But think of all the good times you'll miss and all the ones you will leave behind if you let your troubles get the better of you. So stand up, use your happiness as a big bat to fight off your troubles, and you'll never regret it. And remember this:

“I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can still have lots of good fun that is funny.”

 

Hee buddy, i vebeen in exactly the same place as you are and now i am surrounded by people i want. I can actually choose my own frinds now! I came a long way, but bit by bit i took over my low self esteem and reached out to people. I remember being at low when i felt like there was nobody, really nobody cared about me while anyone else were having the time of their live. Snap out! Start working out, start running ...that is the best advise i can give you at this point when you re felling down. and take it step by step. When you have the feeling you can do more with your life and you are more sociable then you able to, you will be allright...

 

I'm sorry you have suffered the things you have gone through. I was like you about 20 years ago...I had no friends. I did no socialising and never went anywhere except for school and church...neither places of which I had any real friends at. In fact my mum was worried that I would turn into a recluse for the rest of my life. The thing that saved me was joining local theatre companies...I have made many countless life-long friends through it who ahve become like family for me now...but it took me several years of having those friends for me to stop questioning WHY they liked me. Was it because I was useful to them? Was it because i was always a shoulder for them to cry on? Was it because i gave them good back massages? Or was it because, for some inexplicable reason, they just seemed to like me for me? It took me maybe 4 years to stop questioning their friendship and their motives...but with time it got better...and it will be the same for you too

 

Dealing with death is never an easy experience. A few months ago my longtime partner died, that was the whole reason that I joined EC for support. At first dealing with his death wasn't too hard, its when I would think of something funny to say and I'd turn to tell him and he wouldn't be there.

I won't lie and tell you that the pain will go away, it just gets easier to bare with time. Your friend sounds like a great person. There's nothing worse than feeling alone. Making new friends and meeting new people was a difficult prospect, but as others have mentioned try joining a local group or even an exercise class at the gym or something.

Things will get better with time. If nothing else, EC is a good place to feel connected to people. Post if you ever need to vent or just want someone to say hi to.

 

I so know where you are coming from. Are you feeling like no one understands you, don't want to be around you, while others seem to be living it up? Therefore, why even get out of bed each day and just end it all? I was at this place years ago. It really hit me the hardest when I was around 22 and finally came to grips with the sexual molestation I endured from the ages of 9-11. I was so depressed that even my wife and best friend at the time could not help.

I had felt isolated since high school because of all the gay rumors about me. Every guy friend I had cut me off and would barely even speak to me. This trend continued into my early 20s when, GUESS WHAT, I started socializing more and made friends. I had to be the one to take control of my situation and put myself out there. When I did things started turning around.

A couple of years later is when I was spiraling out of control when I started to really accept that I am bisexual and that my molestation may have played a part in it. I went to canceling, went on drinking binges, and put myself in physical danger of being assaulted again all because I felt like a piece of shit! But one day, I realized that I am worthy of people loving me and the should be HONORED to be my friend.

You are SOOOOO worth living for. You have to believe that. Looking at your profile, it seems you have a lot interest that will allow you to socialize with people. I also feel your positive spirit coming from your picture. You know who would miss you if you took your life? Your EC friends/family/community!

Please seek counseling, specifically focusing on your sexual orientation and being molested. It helped me so much to feel that what happened was not my fault and I can live beyond the past.

I wish I could hug you in person, so this will have to do. (*hug*)(*hug*)

 

Sounds like my last year of University.

Such a coincidence that I'm feeling much like you are, today, despite being considerably older than yourself. Can I say things get better? I think they do. I've learned, very difficult it has been, to nurture myself. To at least give kindness to myself. Even when I isolate and keep others at arm's length, due to the pain I feel in my life, yes I see all that, but I try not to hate myself for all my problems. I hope you can do this. Practice. It actually takes practice to be kind to yourself, even when bitter tears well up in your eyes about your life, and when you wonder it it's all worth it. Yes, you have just as much intrinsic value as anyone else, and you deserve to be here no less than anyone else. Look inside your heart and see that spark of goodness within and how precious it is, and appreciate it. Hold on to the dreams that life can be better one day, because truly it can. Gradually, a person, even one who is quite socially isolated and often in emotional pain, can learn little things that help him / her to not only cope, but have a measure of happiness in life. But I have come to believe it begins with the individual. You need to find that spark of light within and appreciate, nurture, love it. It's always there, it never dies. All that happens is, sometimes we lose sight of it for a while.

Simply put, I know how you feel. And I wish you well.
Andy. (*hug*)

 

I am glad you have those glimpses of hope. Stay focused on them! I have to ask how do you feel you have "fucked up or hurt someone"? How does that lead to these thoughts that people hate you? You say the one or two times. That's it? Guses what, you are human! If I thought people hated me every time I fucked up I would be in a constant quandary.

Please please please continue to come back to us. I was telling my wife about your situation last night, with tears streaming down my face, as we both find it so sad that you feel suicide is even an option. You are of God's creation and He doesn't make mess!!! Please remember that. (&&&)

 

You are being waaayyyy to hard on yourself. Did you deliberately hurt her? From what you said, no. Please dig deep down and realize that you are a special person that deserves to be loved and can give love. Don't hurt/cut yourself behind BS. It sounds like it was an accident. Where is this self deprecation and doubt coming from? That's what you need to confront.

 

Understand one thing - sexual abuse is never, ever the victims fault. You don't want it or invite it and you don't encourage it either. I hope you can look back on those traumatic events through the eyes of an adult and see how you were not to blame. Abusers can be very manipulative and often turn the tables on their victims. They create a smokescreen that helps to transfer the blame from them onto their victims. The emotional damage is just as cruel as the physical damage. Your fault? Absolutely not.

Don't give up trying. When you are low it's so easy to convince yourself of things that are not real. Keep coming here if/when you are not strong and need support. We've all taken time to reply because we care.

 

Do you mean that loud voice in your head criticizing your every move, everything you've ever done, everything you will ever do?

My Staff Sargent from Hell of mine was a bear to overcome. I was near suicide when I finally decided I wanted to live. When Robin Williams committed suicide, I started learning more about clinical depression. That staff sargent is not me, it's my inner critic. I should never have been following his advice to begin with. Therapy and talking to others has helped me a great deal with accepting this part of me.

Don't give up hope.

 

As I have stated, I was abused as well by someone I trusted. I blamed myself for years. It did take my adult eyes to realize it was not my fault and to love myself. When I had suicidal thoughts it scared the crap out of me, but I just wanted the pain and feeling of self loathing to go away. Is that how you feel? Well I am a witness that it does get better. Time will heal your wounds and more importantly give you time to realize life is beautiful.

We all care for you and want to witness your journey of healing. Come back here anytime you need to talk. I post on a regular basis and am here if you feel down. You are worth living for! (*hug*)