Hi, I'm Marvin and I'm new to this forum. So, as most people who get here, I have a shitload of problems and thoughts that are making my life very hard right now. I try to make this as short as possible: I'm a 23 year old guy and I'm pretty sure that I'm gay. Now there is a little twist to my story; I was a virgin until 2 weeks ago when I had sex for the first time in my life (with a woman). Since I was about 17 years old I struggled with the idea that I could be gay. Since 2008 I had some major issues with depression, social isolation, self-hate and all this bullshit many people here should know. Two years ago I came out to my mom, just for a little peace of mind. She was and still is absolutely ok with that fact. The problem is though, I have had a very hard time accepting that I'm gay and it has made a major negative impact on my self esteem. Until this day I still think about this every single day! But there comes the next "problem" (at least for me at this stage): I think I am a bottom gay guy and i don't like that fact. Since I was about 15 years old, I experimented with fingering my ass and so on. I really like the feeling of it, i cannot deny that fact. But it makes me very sad, that I also seem to have to go THAT road. I mean..... on an emotional level I like it and it arouses me; on a rational level i would not want to have a dick inside my ass... and I'm not ready to give some guy that level of trust. Another problem is, that i've had an anal fissure and I developed some scar tissue. As long as I live a "normal" life and don't insert more than one or two fingers, I don't have any problems at all. When I tried more than that, it would bleed again and I'm afraid as hell! The only option would be to undergo surgery (just to have anal sex) which is very risky at my age an my doc didn't recommend it. So idk this is another problem.... I don't like the feeling that anal play leaves me with, and I don't want to do some kind of special diet and so on. But whenever i think about all of this there is "a voice in my head" saying like... you'll end up as a bottom guy anyway, it's just a matter of time.... don't lie to yourself, you don't want to fuck someone, you're the one that likes to get fucked....all bottom gay guys started just like you.... you fit the stereotype......accept it.....if you don't, you will never have a fullfilling sexlife.... and blabla" When I think about being some kind of versatile guy.... I feel like I am betraying myself as this is not the way I am???! I mean... I don't know if this is true? I never had sex with a guy, all I know is that the stimulation my ass gives me is way higher than that of my penis. I'm not against the idea of penetrating someone, but I don't think that it arouses me enough to stay hard... Is this a kind of self-confidence thing? Idk if it's because of some "internalized homophobia" but I don't really think a man's ass is that good looking, on the other hand i really like the look of a female ass (lol). I've thought about all of this and read a lot. At the end of the day, beeing gay means to prefer men. So the question is: Is it possible to "become" someone who penetrates, even if it doesn't seem to be my cup of tee at this stage of my "gay career" ?
I can empathize with how you are feeling. I am a bottom and in a very happy relationship, but anal sex is not for everyone. sometimes I'm not exactly sure what I'm suppose to be feeling. Being a bottom has the imagined and sometime internalized fears of being feminine and less masculine. A real man is a top. This isn't always the case, and anyway, who even cares who's the "man" when you're both male? Masculinity is just a word. I like to look at it like this. The fact that I am willing to endure pain for my partners pleasure shows that I am self-sacrificing. That takes courage, which is a "masculine" trait. There are also many other ways to be intimate with a man. Some gay men don't want to be a top or bottom and do not like anal sex. See if you can find someone who is willing to take things slow and would be ok with just cuddling or mutual masturbation. Hope this helps.
I find it quite interesting how you seem to be discomforted by the realization that you prefer to bottom more than top, yet when you try to lie to yourself and easy your mind, you don't like that as well. It seems as if your worries are mot, you can't have anal sex without your anus bleeding. So even if you do not like your inclinations, nothing comes out of worrying over something that cannot happen even if you trust a guy enough to do so. You do not have to try and be a top, you can just have anilingus, use fingers, and/or toys. While I believe it is not common, it is also not uncommon for gay guys to not have anal sex. How did you stay erect with the woman then?
Ok, couple of things here. First, because I've now seen a couple of posts to this effect in just the last few days: If you're feeling pain while bottoming, you're doing it wrong ('you' may be the top, the bottom, or both of you). I realize that a lot of porn depicts this trope of anal hurting like hell and then the pain magically turning into pleasure. Bullshit. I was in a three year relationship with a very well endowed guy who was basically an exclusive top and we were going at it on a near daily basis (and I don't even care for anal very much). He was the first guy I ever bottomed with and even the first time we did it, he took it slow and gentle and there was almost no pain. After we'd been doing it for a bit, I got to the point where I could relax the relevant muscles as easily as shifting my weight from one foot to the other and let him in with no pain or discomfort at all. And I could still tighten those muscles really hard if I wanted to. If you're bottoming and experiencing pain (and do not have a physical condition such as the OP describes) then slow things down, consider more lube, and work on relaxing, both the muscles back there and in general. And work with your top to improve his technique so he doesn't hurt you going in. Because that's not an inevitability. Second, and directed more to the OP: Dude, not all guys are into anal, and even most who are aren't going to throw you out of bed if you aren't. When I was sleeping around, I never once had a guy express that much concern about doing it. In fact, in most cases the subject never even came up. There are plenty of fun things two guys can do besides anal, including fingering such as you describe. Based on past threads on the subject on EC, my unscientific estimate is that something like 25-30 percent of guys aren't into anal to one degree or another. A larger number may be into it but aren't going to be so attached to it as to make it a dealbreaker, assuming they like you otherwise. Note also that being a bottom has nothing to do with how masculine or tough or whatever a guy is (since I kind of get the sense that's partly what you're talking about here). There are really big, tough, masculine guys out there...who are either bottoms or versatile (also fem, 'stereotypical' guys who are tops or vers). What a guy likes sexually and what he likes to to do with the rest of his time aren't really connected. When I was growing up, I spent part of my time helping to butcher and castrate things. When I was in college I did martial arts and learned various ways of killing and crippling people with my bare hands before getting into weightlifting and working out. And it never even occurred to me to be bothered by bottoming with the guy I mentioned earlier. It was what it was and I never once forgot how to take someone apart (were I so inclined) just because I was bottoming multiple times a week. Finally, as far as whether or not you'll be up for topping a guy...only time will tell. It may turn out that topping is not your thing either (but see above, lots of other fun stuff you can do). Or maybe you'll find that when you're with a guy you like and getting into it for real, that the whole topping thing suddenly feels a lot more appealing. At the end of the day, be who you are, not who you imagine people expect you to be. Don't apologize for it and don't be ashamed of it. Own it. Hope this helps, Todd
Hi guys, thanks for your patience! I will try to make the whole thing a little bit clearer: Look, I'm not willing to endure pain for anyone on a rational level. For me(at least that's what I'm thinking) assplay is about MY pleasure. You're right, I'm a worrier big time! I tend to overthink and I also tend to play with "worst case scenarios" in my head; not good, I know that! Somehow I'm very hung up on this whole "denial-thing". My thought process is something like this: I think i could be some kind of bottom guy, so there are people saying things like: "dude it's ok, don't fight it, it's your "destiny"". I think about this and on the one hand I'm like: "yeah they could be right, isn't that the same thing as if I would try to be straight?!" On the other hand I'm like. "Nonononono...... just because in your first years of your sexual thoughts and experiences you like this aspect of sex, you don't have to try other things and broaden your horizon?... that's bullshit!" Then again as I said I tend to suck up all this (for me) bullshit and worst case scenarios. I fall back to the same old: "dude..... you're a bottom.... there are some clear signs for that!.... and because it's your worst fear to be a bottom only and your most dehumiliating scenario, this is gonna be what is true!" => I know, I'm fucked up :rolle: Hm... this is kind of a funny/screwed up story. I got to know her on New year's eve in a club. I was drunk that night and I saw her.... blabla... it felt some kind of natural in that state, i kissed and grabbed her. The atmosphere was really sexual and she seemed to turn me on, so I thought "so what, go with the flow :icon_wink" I saw her again the next day, the day after that and at daytime (not drunk!:lol I thought I really liked her and even was drawn to her. I liked to kiss her, liked her smile and her smell. The thing I liked the most, was the feeling that she was attracted to me. Idk, it's kind of hard to explain: I liked, that she liked me and wanted to have sex with me so to speak. The whole time with her there was of course this reocurring thought process "dude, your gay.... accept it.... this is not going to work over longtime, you're lying to yourself" On the other hand everytime I was with her and we hugged or kissed i got a boner. On the night we had sex, i told her that I'm confused about my sexual orientation.... but that I really liked her and I was willing to give it a try. The fact that I really enjoyed fench kissing her and had an erection almost for hours when I was lying with her was enough "proof" for me to say to myself "fuck it, I gonna try it and we'll see". Yeah and then we had sex...... As I said I was a virgin up to this day. I used a condom and I did feel almost nothing:dry:. I fucked her for about 40mins but I didn't come at the end.... idk if it was because I was exhausted or because it wasn't my cup of tea. What kept me hard the whole time was the fact that I liked the "dominance" part of the sex with her. I liked her moaning and screaming, her orgasms and I liked the fact, that it was me doing this to her. But after the sex I felt really empty and exhausted.... emotionally and physically. The problem with that is, at this stage I think that getting fucked could be the only thing I like about sex. This scenario is the one that arouses me the most and I'm afraid that it is so overpowering other pleasures, that I'm not able to perform or that I will get bored with any other thing. To me this does not sound like a healthy sexuality. Guys, I'm so confused... i know I need to get out of my head, but it's so hard for me.
I have like NO experience, but I would say don't fit yourself into a stereotype. You won't know what you like until you find someone you trust and feel comfortable talking to them about this.
You don't have to label yourself with anything. Sex is mainly mood driven, if you and your partner achieve effective communication and whatever role you decide to play you'll feel good about it. If having anal sex can be medically troubling, just don't do it or work on having safer ways to do it. Best of luck to you and welcome to the community.
One thing is that there are a LOT of gay men who never have anal sex, whether it is a matter of preference or physical issues like you are dealing with. and the other is that it seems to me that there are a bazillion bottoms out there chasing after a much smaller pool of tops. there are versatiles, sure, but there are total bottoms and total tops. just find the right guy(s) and life will be good.
Wow, I don't even know where to begin on this. Firstly, I find it boring when someone sticks to a role permanently. It's like eating your favourite food every night...eventually you need to try something else right? But some people prefer the routine and I don't blame em. Ideally, both partners should be able to switch off and try new positions if they both want to and are able to. It's definitely the most fun way. Bottoming is an amazing experience if you can find the right partner with the right stamina. With an excellent partner, it can feel surreal, almost like being able to transcend time and space. I highly suggest it and I can't imagine why someone would not want to..but that's my opinion. The downside to bottoming (pun intending) is that it requires preparation. Unless you eat very, very little or have an exceptional digestive system, you're going to plan. It takes effort on preparing but there's plenty of forums which can help you get advised on this. My ultimate advice is this...don't worry about it so much. Find someone you can trust to play around with and go from there. You will come to love both roles I'm sure. x
@ GreyIce1 Yeah, i feel what you're saying! The problem though is: I'm afraid that I can never change my "role", although I would want to do so on a rational level. This makes me sad. On the one hand: - I do like the sensations from my dick, when it's in some kind of warm hole :icon_wink - I do like giving pleasure to the other one and the "effect" my penetration has on them - on a rational level I want to use my dick in stick it into somebody - In reality I don't like the feeling of anal "penetration" THAT much, it's like the aticipation of it is super hot, the first few minutes are fine too and help my arousal and erection, but after a while it gets uncomfortable for me. When I'm about to cum (from stroking my dick) I want anything to go out of there. On the other hand: - Fantasies out of the perspective as a bottom/receptive part are a HUGE turn on for me since i was about 14 or so - In my imagination beeing the one penetrating or getting a blowjob is not that arousing, I FEEL like I have to "force" myself to like it. It's not that I find it in any way repulsing, it's just neutral to me in my imagination. It's like my fantasies being the receptive part are very overpowering to others. Keep in mind, I never had sex with a man though. When I first posted this thread, I was hoping some "older" gay man could give me some perspective if it is possible to "broaden my sexual horizon" even if I almost exclusively have fantasies of one role, or if this would be like trying to be heterosexual; impossible so to speak?! What I still don't understand is: Beeing gay is about liking other men. So why would it be, that I am "hardwired" to be the receptive partner (looking back) even before I even realized that I was gay?! Why would ANY male be hardwired so that he is not aroused by using his dick? I know I cannot force me to like anything but I'm quite desperate because of those facts :icon_sad:.
you may very well be a top who likes to bottom from time to time. this is probably more common than true total tops or total bottoms. I say that I'm a total bottom, but the reality is that when my partner who is usually happy to top really wants to feel me inside of him, I will do that for him because it seems the right thing to do. And of course, I enjoy it. But I don't consider myself versatile because I think of that more as people who really are just as happy going either way. Really, I think that all these labels are really so limiting and never really capture the essence of who we are. We just need to be who we are, do what we enjoy, don't do what we don't like, and find a partner with whom we are sexually compatible (as well as compatible in a who lot of other ways)
^^Agree with WildSide completely. Also, Fantastising is one thing but actually doing it is another. The concept of things in our mind is often different that what is real. I would really suggest just trying it and seeing what comes naturally...plenty of fit guys in Germany. Lastly being gay, just like being straight, is not all about sex. It's about having the ability to connect with other guys on a deeper level.
