So... This isn't easy for me to talk about, but I have done something I think I regret; however I'm not sure how I feel about the matter... I have been friends with my best friend for almost 15 years now. He helped me when I came out of the closet to him, he supported me when I felt suicidal, and he has always been supportive for me. HE has recently been feeling like he may be bisexual, but thats not the point. Last night, we chilled at my house. I don't know how it really came up, but he mentioned his feelings toward being bisexual. Some awkward silences were in there a bit, but at some point, he showed me his privates. AT this point, I wasn't sure what to feel. I certainly was interested at first, but I don't like my friend in that way. He let me touch. Feel. Explore a bit on my own. IT was interesting, and I was curious to learn more about myself in a sense, about what I like and don't like. IT went a bit further. I used my mouth a few minutes before I realized I was not turned on nor attracted at all, so I stopped. Its been bothering me since last night, I wish I hadn't done it, but I was curious. For so long, I have identified as Gay, but after experiencing that, there was nothing. No feeling at all. Im definitely still not attracted to women, but could it be possible I am asexual? Could my lack of any feeling be due to the fact that I have no romantic feelings for my friend here? I am really confuzzled, and really wishing I hadn't let myself give in to that, but the best thing I can do is realize my mistake and move on. I had to talk to someone about it, and best to do it to an accepting community here than anyone else I know. He told me it didn't bother him, and he really didn't care about it happening. I feel pretty bad but, I was curious... Some advice would be nice on how to let go of the poor choices I made, and about the asexual thing. :help:
It doesn't mean you are asexual, so put that thought out of your mind. This is much more likely: He sounds cool about it, so put it down to curiousity and experience.
Patrick, you are literally the greatest person at advice for me and I don't know what I would do without you It just still feels awkward to me though :/ I don't know really. First experiences are always awkward I guess.
Perfectly understandable to me. I have several friends and acquaintances that I know through various activities that have nothing to do with being gay. Things like business, cars, motorcycles, firearms, DIY projects etc. We're know each other because we share these common interests and or business relationships. I have no sexual or romantic interest in these guys at all. Guys I have met or know through gay related activities or didn't previously know are a different story.
It really isn't unusual to feel this way. My head was spinning with a thousand and one random thoughts after my first awkward experience arkangel and looking back many of them seem rather silly, but at the time it was all so real and significant. Try not to get too caught up in the what's, why's and how's. I know it's easier said than done, but you really can overthink and complicate it all.
I just have a feeling like I have degraded myself, or betrayed myself, or lost my dignity. I just want to forget :/
