Hey y'all, I hope this is the right section to post this in. I need your advice on a topic that really scares me but I can't figure out the reason. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while now and everything is perfect. Absolutely perfect. Things couldn't be better. Except for one topic, yes THE topic: sex. So, we're both virgins and we agreed to wait with getting sexually active until we are both comfortable as we were both "nervous" and didn't really know where to start. Since then, it has become clear that I will probably take longer to "feel ready" than he will. He has hinted at taking the next step a few times and I never really knew how to feel about it, so it never happened. I love him very much and he says he does love me too. I hope we can spend out lives together. Nevertheless, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between best buddies and boyfriends. Therefore, I'd somehow like a sexual component in our relationship. We do kiss and cuddle a lot, and it's obvious we are both getting very excited over the other but we never act on it. Deep down, I really want him but I panic every time and kind of stop. Last time I tried to take the next step and while making out I unbuttoned his shirt but I stopped before the last button. He could tell I was chickening out and we got back to watching a movie and casually holding hands. He is really sweet and respectful and he would never push it so he doesn't urge me to go on after I stop. I can tell he is sexually frustrated as the last few times after our failed attempts to go fruther he left the room to jerk off in the bathroom. We kind of talked about it and he said it's fine and he says he doesn't want to push it and he'll wait till I am ready, forever if he has to. I don't really know what's the problem. I really want him but every time it's about to happen, even if I try to initiate it, I feel I'm not ready and I stop. After we stop, and go back to cuddling, I'm absolutely content with that and I feel like even if we never make it past cuddling, I'm fine with it. It's so frustrating, though, becasue usually he is really uncomfortable and horny and he eventually leaves to jack off in order to calm down to get into "cuddle mode" again. We talk about it often and we keep agreeing that the time will come. I can clearly see I'm the problem and I'm scared he might be disappointed soon. For one, I'm really scared, and despite we're both virgins, I have the feeling he has a better idea of how things work. I mean, I know how it works, but I'm scared I might do something wrong and he'll be disappointed. Also, it's become sort of clear in the way we interact or sleep next to each other, that he will play the more dominant role. He's taller and his character is more bold and I think he complements my rather thoughtful attitude. As a result, I'm really scared it might hurt really bad and sometimes, I even think about that when we make out and he is like testing the waters and I push him away immediately becasue I get so scared. It's stupid because I know he would never take advantage of me and I trust him like no one else. I wouldn't even want to trade places, I think him playing a more active or dominant role feels right but something really spooks me. His Birthday is coming up and I was thinking I owe him. I want to make him a special gift by giving him a handjob or something to break the ice. When I'm not with him, I have the desire to try giving him a blowjob but I would never dare to make the offer becasue I'm scared I won't do a good job as I have no experience and would probably choke. Still, I think I will have to offer something sexual for his birthday, I think it's the least I can do after all the awkward situations and if I know I have to do it, I might not chicken out (although the fact of sitting in front of his dick having to take it scares me even more) I tried to touch his croth during our most recent make out session. I panicked because it felt so big and powerful and I was really scared, for unknown reasons. He could tell I wasn't comfortable and stopped me before leaving the room. I almost bawled up after that and he said it's ok. I could still tell he was disappointed and offered he should urge me more but he wouldn't do that. He tried to get me hard but to no avail. Sorry for the long post, I hope I could explain the situation sufficiently. Basically, I am sure I want him but I can't figure out the reason why I am so freaked out about actually doing it. I love him, I trust him, but his dick somehow scares me. Do you have any advice how I could overcome this situation? Have you been in similar problems? I feel we're sorta stuck and I don't want to lose him.
This is a really tough situation and I am very sorry to hear that you are going through these struggles. Without knowing too much about your personality, it seems as though you are quite comfortable being gay and that the whole "internalized homophobia" thing probably doesn't apply here. I'm making that assumption even though you're closeted based on the fact you seem okay kissing him a lot (which to me is more intimate than sex). But I digress. From your post what I am gathering is the fact that you are just really scared of disappointing him and letting him down. It's not uncommon to feel that way, but in many cases is completely unjustified. You need to know, and I'm sure he has told you this, but literally anything you do would feel good to him, and if it doesn't he will tell you and and can practice. Nobody is amazing their first time, and whenever you are with a new guy, I feel like it's my first experience all over again because everyone is different. One of the benefits to doing it with someone you love is that they will understand, won't get upset, and help you get better. Over time you will learn what they like and you will become really good at making them happy. There is absolutely no need to start with anal sex as you have described, and in fact, I know a lot of gay couples, including the relationship I am in, that really don't even consider it that often. For things like hand jobs, and blow jobs, there is pretty much no way to do it poorly ha. You need to remember your boyfriend is there to guide you and help you, not to judge you. I think you just need to take a leap of faith sometimes and trust him. Go slowly (not as slow as you are now), but force yourself out of your comfort zone. Since he leaves the room to jerk off, maybe even suggest that he stays and you can do it together or just rub his back or legs or something. That may help you get more comfortable without actually "touching" him. He loves you, he won't hurt you or make fun of you if you do something wrong so you have nothing to worry about.
If you ask me, I'd say you've started off absolutely right. Not putting pressure, respecting a "no", taking things at their own pace. So already good work on that! But.. correct me if I'm wrong, I have the impression that what freaks you out is just the open-ended-ness of it. You're kissing and you try to go a bit further, but at the moment that you actually cross that boundary, you start already worrying about what actual full sex will look like. In short: you're already trying to plan 5 steps ahead, while you have barely got his shirt off. And yeah: that can be tough. Sex is intense enough if you focus on what you're doing here and now. But: maybe there's the trick also to overcome it. Plan it a bit better. Don't see it as "Right now we're holding hands, and then suddenly I'll have to be comfortable with giving him a blowjob!". Instead: agree beforehand on a next limit. Next time, agree to start off kissing, and getting rid of shirts. Just that, and nothing more. Making out with bare chests. you see him shirtless, he sees you shirtless. And see: the world doesn't come to an end! And then discuss what the next step is. Maybe it's losing pants, but not underpants. Just the two of you in underpants. Kind of like going to the swimming pool, except for more hand-holding and kissing and cuddling. And that's the end for that night. And then discuss next step. Maybe next step is just seeing each other naked. Then seeing each other jacking off. Then just touching without getting each other off, then trying to get each other off. etc. etc. But in all of that, there's the one common element. you try one new thing, and then stop. You discuss what the next new thing is. No matter who does what in bed, you should be equals when discussing it. And finally: it's impossible to "mess up". The guy is obviously head over heels with you. first tries can be a bit of a trial and error. But I can assure you: trial and error is a whole lot of fun, even if you get more used to it later!
Unless you do something that is an obvious party foul, like biting it, I don't think he would mind most anything that you do. You seem to be afraid that because you are a virgin that you will be awkward or less than perfect. Sorry to say, but you are probably right. However, you said he is also a virgin. Guess what? He will also do things that are a bit awkward and that you may not particularly enjoy. The truth is that even the most experienced people do that. The key is to relax, pay attention to your partner, and communicate. If you do this I bet that you recognize the awkwardness wayyy more than he does. You say that you get nervous every time you try doing something with him even if you start it. How about next time you are making out with him you touch yourself instead? What I mean is something like exploring his chest and shoulders with your hands. After a few minutes start rubbing yourself with one hand while still touching him with the other. If he also starts rubbing himself (I'd bet money he does) go ahead and pull it out. After a minute or two gently invite him to do the same. Then let things take a natural course from there. If it winds up just being masturbation while making out with your boyfriend then that is at least a step closer. If one or both of you happen to start playing with the other guys penis, that's just extra sprinkles on the ice cream! The point I'm trying to make is that if you are actually ready for sexual contact, and you want it to be with him, then you have to start somewhere. Then slowly over time you can build off of it. Maybe this time you make out while each talking care of yourself. Next time you play with his for a short while. The time after that you "finish the job". The next time ....
Yeah, take it slow... My bf and I are very experienced, but we're having fun, and like I tell him, we just need to get more comfortable with each other and practice, practice, practice... You don't have to go all the way, all at once.
It seems like you're in a bit of a tough spot. Overthinking things in bed can be a major mood (and boner) killer. I have two recommendations that might help: 1. Get used to oral, masturbating or maybe fingering together. Don't go all the way the first few times, and try out different things. 2. You might want to jump the gun and immediately skip right to oral or whatever. If you spend 30 minutes making out, this will be 30 minutes to get up in your head and start overthinking things again. Maybe mention this to your bf and ask him to surprise you over the next month when you're least expecting it.
Thanks a lot for the great advice. I thought before about telling him he should just do to me and with me whatever he wants and not give me any chance to have second thoughts. He would never do that though because he's too gentle and tender for that. That's why I love him even more but I think we need to make some progress eventually. But it does sound like a great idea to include a surprise factor. I do think I'll practice on a banana and surprise him for his birthday...
