This is mainly for those who go (have gone) on one night stands regularly, or even if it was just a few times (most people here?). I'm also interested in opinions of people who used to be against hookups, but later changed their minds. Anyone who have come across some of my posts might know my stance on hookups – I'm generally against them. My goal here is to try to understand „hook-uppers” better. Though I believe I understand the reasons behind one night stands: they are easy, fast, there is no drama, there are no complicated emotions, and above all, there is no commitment. Like a fast food restaurant. Both persons get to satisfy their sexual hunger, and that's it. „NEXT!” At least that's what I think. FIRST question: What are YOUR reasons for hooking up? So you meet a person you have never ever met, only after a short talk and exchanging pictures. Both of you are in only for the sex. You are letting a total stranger do intimate things to you and vice versa. You know nothing about the person except (maybe) his/her name. You don't know if they are aggressive, you don't know if they are rapists, you don't know if they are crazy stalkers, but they can hide all of these really well. SECOND question-group: How (in the mother of fuck) can you trust a total stranger with your body (or anything for that matter)? Aren't you feeling vulnerable at all? Don't you feel that a stranger 'has no right' so to speak to be intimate with you? I have read some posts here on EC and also on other sites and forums, from people who don't feel like causal sex/hookups are for them. Yet, when they voice their opinions, their friends or other people (IRL/online) insist on „experimenting” and „hooking up with people”. Their reasons are mainly: a) The person is young, and should explore b) The person is being prude and suppresses his/her sexuality c) The person is being stupid, why commit themselves, it's what everyone else is doing, d) The person has some psychological issues, because hooking up should be the norm, e) The person mistakenly connects sexuality to love, whereas they should be separated and the person should be able to have sex without the need to be in love with his/her partner. THIRD question-group: As someone who's into hookups, do you think that people who are NOT into the hookup-culture, are being ridiculed/looked down on for their attitude? Do you think they are under great pressure to conform to the hookup-culture? Do you agree with any of the above points (a-e)? I wonder if there are people here who used to think like me, but later changed their minds and realized that one night stands are for them. FOURTH question-group: What is it that made you change your mind? How would you compare your current thinking and your old non-hookup thinking? I'm sure there are a lot of psychological factors that influence whether one like hookups or not, and these factors can change. FIFTH (and last) question-group: What do you think, what are your personality traits that make it okay for you to hook up? If you used to be against hookups, what was different in your psyche then that made you dislike hookups? I don't have any more questions right now, maybe when I'll have I'll post it here in this thread. Thanks to everyone in advance for your input.
My thoughts: FIRST question: What are YOUR reasons for hooking up? Satisfaction of sexual desires. I have a strong sex drive. Masturbation, porn, etc. does not satisfy the need to be sexually active. Sex seems to be a basic human drive, that drive needs to be satisfied. Although a hook has no emotional connection, there is a social and physical connection that occurs. Those connections help attempt to satisfy the sexual desires. I say attempt, because only a limited amount of hook up sex is actually satisfying from my perspective. SECOND question-group: How (in the mother of fuck) can you trust a total stranger with your body (or anything for that matter)? Aren't you feeling vulnerable at all? Don't you feel that a stranger 'has no right' so to speak to be intimate with you? Its the risk of the activity per se. I hate to use this comparison, but its like making a business decision. In a business decision, you are trying to take advantage of an opportunity, but in doing so, there are always business risks to consider. By being thoughtful and considerate, you look to minimize those risks. So, in summary, its part of business, but be cautious. THIRD question-group: As someone who's into hookups, do you think that people who are NOT into the hookup-culture, are being ridiculed/looked down on for their attitude? Do you think they are under great pressure to conform to the hookup-culture? Do you agree with any of the above points (a-e)? I have not experienced any pressure in this regard. So I can not comment. I wonder if there are people here who used to think like me, but later changed their minds and realized that one night stands are for them. I used to think like you. Then I realized that I have a basic human instinct that needs to be satisfied. It took me a lot of thought and consideration (a lot of which I did on EC) to determine that I could "hook up" and be ok with it. I realized there were events from my early years that impeded my ability to accept that I needed to satisfy those needs. Once I got over those early events, I was quite comfortable. FOURTH question-group: What is it that made you change your mind? How would you compare your current thinking and your old non-hookup thinking? Today, I have no issues with the concept of a "hook up" whatsoever. I do believe you need to be prudent and cautious. No need to take unnecessary risks. As I stated above, I changed my mind once I resolved prior conflicts from childhood that I had. FIFTH (and last) question-group: What do you think, what are your personality traits that make it okay for you to hook up? If you used to be against hookups, what was different in your psyche then that made you dislike hookups? Specifically, I was restricted as a child from fully expressing myself. I was told to do and act in a "conservative", "truthful" and "respectful" way. Unfortunately, the person I was not being truthful with was myself. Once I freed myself to be truthful to me, I realized I had needs that should be satisfied. Hope this helps.
So, I'm honestly not sure if I fit your target demographic or not. I never really considered myself part of "hook up culture" but, well, I was very sociable--which is to say I definitely slept around. I didn't do the apps so I can't really comment on the "just exchanging pictures" thing. I've been with my partner for almost eighteen years--our anniversary is next week.:icon_bigg--so the apps weren't really around when I was on the market, but there were online venues. I never really saw the point. I was outgoing and I met guys at the gym, in bars, grocery stores, the beach, coffee houses--so to be honest the idea of deciding to have sex with someone you haven't actually met yet seems sort of strange to me too. As to the question of why I did it. Well, it was fun, and I really didn't see a reason not to--still don't. I met a lot of wonderful guys and had a lot of wonderful times. I had no negative experiences and really have no regrets. For me it was a way to connect with people in a special way. I think it can be a way to connect for a lifetime, I also think it can be a way to connect for an evening. And I really don't understand the idea that if it isn't meant to be forever then it isn't real. I spent many lovely evenings (and a few afternoons:icon_wink) with a lot of great guys--generally we would meet somewhere I happened to be, chat for a while, decide we might be able to have a good time together and then we would go back to his place or mine. After we had sex we generally continued to talk, sometimes staying up all night getting to know each other. I remember times where we would pad out to the kitchen to make omelets at three in the morning. I remember laying around all day the next day with one guy reading his comic book collection. I remember one guy who brought out the play he was writing for me to read. I remember a couple guys sent me flowers the next day--a bit much I suppose, but fun nonetheless. Some guys I would become friends with--I'm still friends with a few of them after all these years. Some of them I would just see around and we would smile and maybe wink at each other. And some of them became just pleasant memories. Oh, and I suppose one of them became my partner of eighteen years. Yeah, we had sex the night we met. Worked out pretty well... As to the question of pressure--I never really felt any pressure to "hook up". There was some pressure on the other side--there will always be people who try to shame people who are comfortable with sex in a different way. And, to be honest I've never really noticed any pressure to "hook up" here. Generally in my experience the two sides of the argument seem to be the "casual sex" people (a good portion of whom, interestingly enough, are in longstanding monogamous relationships--like myself) saying people should do whatever they are comfortable with and then the anti-"casual sex" people saying that the other side doesn't know how to form real emotional bonds and should be ashamed of themselves. It doesn't really bother me that much--I know who I am and what I'm comfortable with and what I want--but it does honestly surprise me how much sex-negative content there is on a site like this.
Sex is fun, and I'm honestly not interested in a romantic relationship or any commitment, not right now anyway. The person I'm meeting or hooking up with could be a total lunatic for all I know, but so far, so good. I'm alive and unharmed. It doesn't matter if I met them online or at a bar, I have no idea who they are or what their intentions are - they might have a knife in their pocket, or they might try and rape me. I guess it's about taking a risk, and I'm not a risk-averse person. I mean, I've gone into cars of people I don't even know or have only just met, and have yet to be harmed (probably a dumb thing to do in retrospect). Nobody has a right to my body, and to me, it's just sex. I don't view it as the most special bond any two people can share, that it's the ultimate expression of love or whatever. It's fun, that's it. Do I feel vulnerable? No, not at all. I'm actually picky about who I hook up with, so I'm just going off with anyone and everyone. If I feel bad vibes from a person then I won't bother. I usually trust my instinct. Like the above poster mentioned, some of these people become more than just people you have sex with, but friends. I've met people who I spend hours talking to about what we like, where we enjoy going, our experiences. In the gay community, to some extent? I think a lot of gay dating sites have a strong emphasis on hookups, which can make people looking for monogamy excluded, but I wouldn't say people are ridiculed for not partaking. In wider society, especially when it comes to women and gay/bisexual men, there is actually condemnation, and such behaviour is considered 'wrong' or inappropriate by many. Fuck 'em. I've never been against the idea of casual sex. In fact, I've been open to the idea for as long as I've had sexual desire. I've always enjoyed the idea of sex but the idea of being someone's boyfriend didn't really fill me with excitement. Who knows what will happen in the future, but for now, it ain't for me. And finally, maybe I'm just open to new things, maybe I don't mind taking risks, or maybe I'm stupid, lol. To be honest, I've never been told that sex outside of marriage or a relationship is bad, so the idea of hooking up was never bad to me to begin with. Hope that's helpful. I haven't been quite around the block like OGS has , but there you go.
FIRST question: what are YOUR reasons for hooking up? I hook up because I'm horny; because I want sex. It's really as simple as that. If I'm single and I'm sitting at home feeling horny, there are two options: masturbating or calling someone over to have sex. The latter is definitely more fun. Same thing in a club or bar; if I'm single and I meet someone and get turned on (which happens a lot especially when alcohol/drugs are involved), satisfying those sexual desires feels good. SECOND question-group: How (in the mother of fuck) can you trust a total stranger with your body (or anything for that matter)? Aren't you feeling vulnerable at all? Don't you feel that a stranger 'has no right' so to speak to be intimate with you? Trust and feeling vulnerable aren't really things I even think about when hooking up. I just get caught up in the moment and my excitement. I don't feel "vulnerable" when having sex. I just enjoy it. To be fair, though, I've only ever hooked up with two guys, all my other hookups have been with girls. As a guy, I don't thnk I have anything to fear, so to speak, from girls. I'd probably be somewhat more picky and cautious with other guys. That being said, I felt pretty at ease with the two guys I've hooked up with, too. As for them having "no right" to be intimate with me; sex isn't such a big deal to me. It's just physical fun. Plus, hooking up really isn't the same thing as having sex with someone you care about. In my experience, hookups are about a pretty "simple" kind of sex. It's nowhere near as intense as sex in a relationship. THIRD question-group: As someone who's into hookups, do you think that people who are NOT into the hookup-culture, are being ridiculed/looked down on for their attitude? Do you think they are under great pressure to conform to the hookup-culture? Do you agree with any of the above points (a-e)? I think they may be ridiculed by some, but not by most. I, personally, wouldn't ridicule or look down on anyone who wasn't into hooking up, although I do admit I have a hard time understanding some people's way of thinking. It really depends on their reasons for not liking the hookup culture. Also, "hookup culture" really is a bad word for it. I don't consider myself to be part of a culture. I just like to have fun sometimes. I'm perfectly capable of having long term relationships too, though. In fact, I prefer them. I don't think anyone is under pressure to conform to the "hookup culture," no. As for agreeing with points a to e: ... insist on „experimenting” and „hooking up with people”. Their reasons are mainly: a) The person is young, and should explore b) The person is being prude and suppresses his/her sexuality I partly agree yet partly disagree with a and b. I agree that people can benefit from exploring. You get to learn what you like and dislike. You learn to recognize signs of what/who you should avoid. In short, you learn. However, if you're not ready, you're not ready. Or if you have no interest in sex whatsoever, you have no interest in it whatsoever. There's nothing wrong with that, either. c) The person is being stupid, why commit themselves, it's what everyone else is doing, d) The person has some psychological issues, because hooking up should be the norm, Disagree with c and b. There's no "norm," and no one should do something simply because "everyone else is doing it." e) The person mistakenly connects sexuality to love, whereas they should be separated and the person should be able to have sex without the need to be in love with his/her partner. Eh. Neither agree nor disagree. While it is true that sex and love aren't always intertwined, some people simply need an emotional connection to be able to enjoy sex. FOURTH question-group: What is it that made you change your mind? How would you compare your current thinking and your old non-hookup thinking? Can't answer this. I've always enjoyed hook ups. FIFTH (and last) question-group: What do you think, what are your personality traits that make it okay for you to hook up? I honestly don't know. I guess maybe there's one: emotions and feelings aren't my thing. I rarely get affected by emotions, and the few times I do, I don't let it show. Maybe the fact that I don't overthink things and am not overly emotional makes it okay for me to just have sex without any feelings getting in the way?
I grew up with a strong Christian, no sex before marriage family. I did limited sexual exploration with both genders during puberty, mostly when I was 12, masturbated A LOT from jr high, through college. I had my one love from late in high school who I lost my virginity to, and who then proceeded to rip out my heart and crush it. I always wanted a relationship, a girlfriend, whom I could then have sex with. So, my morality isn't very strict, my first girlfriend cheated with at least 2 of her husbands with me. Dated a couple of gals when I got out of college, though nothing got past the kissing, heavy petting stage. I met my stbx-wife at work, we started dating, we then started being intimate, then we ended up getting married. I stayed physically faithful to her. Now, I'm separated, and getting divorced. I'm new on the market for both guys and gals. I've hooked up with 5 people so far. Three were strictly for sex, and weren't completely satisfying. One was for a massage, and we fooled around afterwards. We didn't click that way, but we are becoming close friends now. The last guy is my boyfriend, though we aren't exclusive. We both just put our relationship at that point last night. I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now, don't know the gay or straight scene, have trouble making friends to begin with. So, the hookup apps are someplace I can meet people without the anxiety I get when meeting someone in person. I usually try to get a feel for what the other person is looking for before meeting them in person. I'm not that worried about physical safety, 6'4" 210lbs and usually armed with at least a knife and pepper spray. I'm only going to engage in oral sex with casual relationships I think. And anal will always be safe, unless I'm in a long term relationship, possibly. Casual sex is not as emotionally satisfying for me as sex in a relationship. It's fun, and I enjoyed every bit of the action, I'm just looking for more than that. That's why I'm happy to have a boyfriend to call my own. We both have feelings for each other, but aren't ready for a committed relationship. So, we will see how that works out. I've never been promiscuous, but that wasn't for a lack of trying. I've always tried to date women I could see being in a relationship with. Now, if I want sex, I'll be hitting up my boyfriend first. He's a busy guy (school & work,) so maybe I'll find other guys, or gals to hookup with.
Because I was horny and sex feels good. I also predate the apps, so can't speak to exchanging pictures, but whether via personal ads or just in the course of life, I encountered guys and we had sex. Also, why not have sex? It's not a meaningful activity unless you choose to believe it is (which is true for virtually every aspect of existence actually - nothing is objectively important in the universal sense). As far as not knowing whether they are aggressive or what have you...they also didn't know anything about me. I never had any problems, but I was studying martial arts at the time and had it been necessary I was quite perfectly capable of incapacitating, crippling, or killing someone if the need arose. That would have been inconvenient, but these sorts of things are a risk of almost any human interaction. If you think that interacting with someone for a long time somehow guarantees that they won't hurt or abuse you later, then you need only look at all the stories about people trapped in abusive relationships and marriages with people who they dated for a long time and who treated them like royalty - right up until after the wedding. The BTK (Bind-Torture-Kill) Killer was a deacon in his church and a respected family man with a wife and kids. You can (and should) exercise a degree of caution and thought, but at the end of the day you pays your money and you takes your chances no matter what. You trust a total stranger with your body every time you get on a plane (or in a cab) and a near total stranger every time you go under for surgery. Life is not safe. Rights are a made up thing and nobody has them outside the range of a contract, be it a legal document or a social contract of one sort or another. In any case, the total stranger and I were engaging in an interaction in which we were both trading effort for pleasurable sensations. So by hooking up with them, I gave them permission (or the right, if you prefer) to do intimate things with my body (While I did things with theirs) I've never expressed (or held) such opinions or seen others do this. TBH, whether someone is totally celibate or boinking everything with a pulse or anything in between matters to me about as much as whether or not they like green beans (presuming that they are finding whatever they are doing to be emotionally satisfying for them and aren't hurting anybody in the process). That said, I do occasionally find myself rather needing to take a firm grip on my patience when I see/hear people deciding that they don't feel like casual sex/hookups and moving on from there to take the attitude that they are somehow superior to those who make a different choice (as if one's choice on whether and how much sex to have utterly defines a person's character regardless of any other considerations - which is nonsense). Please note, I'm not saying that you are doing this by asking these questions - but rather speaking in the general sense. Take a wide enough sample of people and you will probably find some number who are saying/doing almost anything. However, I don't agree with any of the above points. Like OGS, I've seen little or no concern on the matter from the 'pro-casual' crowd while seeing quite a bit of negative commentary, judgement, and pressure from the 'anti-casual' crowd. Also like OGS and others, I've been in a committed monogamous relationship for quite some time now. This doesn't apply to me, so will skip. I'm generally very logical and I see no logical reason not to hookup if one wants to and is willing to apply a reasonable level of caution and common sense. I'm told I'm very much a Type A personality (actually a Type A++ according to one friend) and I'm also an introvert in that being sociable consumes a lot of my energy leaving me feeling tired (unlike my boss who is an extrovert and comes out of social situations with more energy than she started with). Despite that I work in a field that at various times has required me to get up in front of large groups of strangers and talk to them (sometimes for weeks) and it doesn't bother me one bit, so I guess I'm pretty outgoing when I want to be. I've never been against hookups so can't really answer that part of the question. My 2c worth, Todd
It feels good, or ranges from just ok to downright explosive, I'm horny, and it's available. I did not plan on this happening. I did not look for it. It came to me, even when I was younger, shorter, and my acne hadn't cleared. After that, finding it was not much of a problem at all. I think that holding off or avoiding would have made me more anxious and even angry, in some cases. SECOND question-group: How (in the mother of fuck) can you trust a total stranger with your body (or anything for that matter)? Aren't you feeling vulnerable at all? Don't you feel that a stranger 'has no right' so to speak to be intimate with you?[/QUOTE] You select carefully. Let me say that just because someone does this every once in a while or somewhat often, they don't necessarily do it as if they were a full fledged prostitute or something. They're just sexually active. We can never fully be perfect judges of character, but we can be very good judges. You sort of know when someone wants to "go there," especially if you've put yourself in a situation where that's the case. A sad situation is where you like someone more or they like you more. When you both like each other about equally, it can be real good. The only surprises are when someone wants to do way more than you're comfortable with or way less. I had this really interesting situation at a bar, where I drank tonic water or 7Up (same place where I met "protect me, baby"), where the crowd was thinning out and this guy, very much my type, walked up to me and aimed right for my mouth. He was an engineer, he wore his dark brown hair somewhat long but not to the point of looking alternative, would have assumed "straight" if on the street, and would have thought "smart guy" because he was an engineer. He was too drunk to be smart. When we got to his apartment, he wanted to do more things and do them unsafely, because he said "I want to feel all of you." I called it quits and left. Too bad. I still remember his face and his name. If I may add, the "mother of fuck" part seems a little judgmental, but that's ok. I'm not put off by it. I just don't understand it. THIRD question-group: As someone who's into hookups, do you think that people who are NOT into the hookup-culture, are being ridiculed/looked down on for their attitude? Do you think they are under great pressure to conform to the hookup-culture? Do you agree with any of the above points (a-e)?[/QUOTE] If you really don't know a lot of gay or bisexual folks, then who exactly are you conforming to? And, of the ones I do know, I am ok not conforming to their frame of mind. The G/B guys I know are low key and don't push me one way or another. That's just basic respect. I have problems with the drug and alcohol use of a select few, and it takes a LOT for me to say something. So, they had best not say anything to me about how much or how little sex, how much or how little relationships, or how much or how little out. Parts of the gay community can send out some messed up messages. I prefer to avoid the parts of it I don't like and ignore some of those messages, including how to dress, what politics to follow, and how much and what type of sex to have. If you are not in that loop, then you don't have to conform. I have always made my own rules when it comes to sex, sexual behavior, sexual identity, and what I do to maintain my sexual health. I DO NOT look down on people who are not into hook-ups. That is their business. They have their reasons and they are obviously wired differently than I am. FOURTH question-group: What is it that made you change your mind? How would you compare your current thinking and your old non-hookup thinking?[/QUOTE] I like to refer to it as the "dam breaking." Once the dam breaks, it's sort of hard to "fix." That's what made me change my mind. Some people can go back to some sort of abstinence or less sex, but most can't. Actually, I have now gone back to less sex. It doesn't interest me as much as it once did. Between the onset of puberty and about 35, I think I thought about it more than the average male. And in my late 20s to mid 30s, I was almost too active. FIFTH (and last) question-group: What do you think, what are your personality traits that make it okay for you to hook up? If you used to be against hookups, what was different in your psyche then that made you dislike hookups?[/QUOTE] I think my personality is just sort of ripe for this sort of behavior. My personality didn't change. The availability of sex and the courage to "go for it" did. I am mostly informal, blunt, not easily shocked, and, at the same time, I am kind of introverted. So, it works with my personal style and it also works for my need to connect "a little more" sometimes. This seems very scholarly or something. I'm thinking you're working on a paper or some research in the field of psychology. The way your questions were put together is not very standard, but that's ok. That's my personal insight.
"That said, I do occasionally find myself rather needing to take a firm grip on my patience when I see/hear people deciding that they don't feel like casual sex/hookups and moving on from there to take the attitude that they are somehow superior to those who make a different choice (as if one's choice on whether and how much sex to have utterly defines a person's character regardless of any other considerations - which is nonsense)." This attitude you represent, which I share similar views on, seems rooted in religious and social indoctrination. Being gay and needing to fight such morality conflicts as it is would lead me to believe that whomever has such superiority issues seems to be a bit hypocritical.
For a while I had fantasies of having sex with an older man and it got so annoying that I had to fap about it to make the thoughts go away. So I met a guy and we had some fun! Still don't really know what to make of the experience, but at least I did it and I found a degree of pleasure in it. I guess now that I'm okay with have sex with an older guy I may want to try it again They know their ways... Well, that's why you keep talking in the chat and exchanging pics until you get comfortable to meet them in person. I can understand what you mean when you feel vulnerable, as there is a possibility that the person could take advantage of you. But that's why you keep talking and see if you get comfortable just from that. I mean, in the end, it's just sex and if that's what both parties want then shouldn't be a problem to get to that point. Nope. Personally I wish I was one of those people that weren't focused on sex at all and just worried about their own lives, career and all the important stuff that actually mattered. Sex is only a temporary relief, and it doesn't last long. From what I know, people who aren't into the hook-up culture have much more important things to do in their lives than to go for sexual release. If I were one of these non-hookup people I wouldn't care if I was looked down because even if they keep telling me "you don't know what you're missing", I don't really care what I'm missing. Well I'm horny that's one thing. But another trait is that I tend to carry out my actions and worry about the consequences later which is obviously NOT something I should continue doing... lol
Thanks for your answers, guys! I've been thinking a lot about what you said, and how I could reflect to all of it. I thought about everything I could that could have shaped my attitude in the past. I'd like to know your opinion on my attitude. It will be of help to see my situation from multiple outside points of view. Hookup vs non-hookup Let's see. The last time I talked about this topic here, was in last December I think. Since then not much have changed in me. Basically anytime I've thought about the hookup-culture, I became angry and depressed at the same time, and my anger was directed at the hookup-culture, myself, society, people, the whole world actually. Then I realized that it's not quite ordinary to react in such an extreme way to something that doesn't even affect me directly. I've been thinking a lot, and looked back at my encounters with sexuality so far. Sexuality have always been a taboo in my family, though I don't think it was for a religious reason. We weren't religious, though I attended a protestant school from first to fourth grade, because it was close to our house. In a few years I learned not to talk about sex or sexuality to my parents and my other relatives, because more often than not it resulted in me being told off, or in some dark glances towards me, accompanied by uneasy silence. Then on the brink of puberty (I was about 12), the whole school started to talk about sex, and since then many events proved to me that fucking around is sort of a requirement to be accepted to society. If you're not fucking around, then you're not a man but a pussy, you're weak, you're undesirable, a nerd and so forth. You're stupid for desiring a relationship with emotions and such, because that's a commitment and blah blah blah... I definitely feel the pressure and the scorn of people who hook up (at least from straight people, because I haven't met LGBT people in person where we talked or anything), and I've always been an outcast in this regard. I can't really form social connections because of bullies and such (I wrote about this I my first post on EC). I can definitely see the existence of a hookup-culture, and it's ridicule against people who don't hook up. But maybe it's only prevalent in the straight world. While it's true that one's sexual preferences don't define the person entirely, they do give a glimpse into their personality. The way people satisfy one of their most basic instincts is bound to be an indicator of their psychological traits. For example I'm sure someone who's hooking up every night and never with the same person, is absolutely outgoing, can make social connections without any problems and cannot attach easily. Trusting people, feeling vulnerable, having right to be intimate... The „mother of fuck” part is not a cry of judgment, it' a cry of disbelief. I can't believe how easily people trust others, let alone people whom they've just met. I don't even trust people fully whom I've known for 10+ years or even all my life. So the thought of me getting naked with a total stranger is not something I can imagine. I would be totally terrified of what that person my think about me. On the other hand, if I had a partner, whom I have known for some time and I know that s/he can tolerate all my physical and psychological imperfections, I might be able to do it, but it would still be uncomfortable. I hate to be naked, I feel vulnerable like that. That leads to the last part of the title: I would only give „right” to be intimate with me to a person whom I trust like nobody else. The meaning of sex I can't really look at sex as just „fun” or „just something people do”. If it doesn't mean anything, then why are people so obsessed with it? Yeah, I know, because it's „fun”. I've never had sex, and I've never been in a relationship. Maybe being deprived of both, I sort of equate the two of them, and I see both as „great achievements”, or „milestones”. The longer I wait, the more sex seems to be a big thing, and I can't see why it doesn't mean anything to most people (I can see it logically, but not emotionally). Both of these things seem to me like things that only the best can get, and I think I have to be almost perfect for both of them. Also, I would feel horrible after a hookup, because I wouldn't mean anything to the other person, s/he wouldn't fucking care about me. I can see how events and influences in my past could lead to this mindset of mine, and I'm sure most of it is connected to different hang-ups and fears, but I don't know how much I would change if all my hang-ups were gone. This turned into a whiny rant, but I don't care. I know it's a huge wall of text, but I tried to give as much info as I could. I'd really like your insight on these things, maybe this way I can understand you guys better, and vice versa. Oh, and Tightrope, though I don't „officially” learn psychology (I'm a mechanical engineer, so I'm very far from that), I've read a lot about it, and in the last 5 years or so I have been analyzing myself, my behavior thoroughly (maybe too much?). There are still unknown areas of myself I have yet to discover. This kind of introspection is my way to learn who I am, and that's why I need the answers to these questions, not for some paper. By getting to know your opinion, I can get to know myself more regarding this topic. Over the years I've learned that if I want precise answers, I have to ask precisely phrased questions. I like when information on a topic is presented in an organized way.
If I may, let me ask a few specific questions of you, and based on your answer,s taking into account your last post, then respond: Why is it so important for you to understand the hook up culture as you put it? If your not comfortable with it, why does it matter what other people do? At the end of the day, shouldn't you be focused on what makes you happy and spending your time determining what it is that makes you happy rather than figuring out aspects that you struggle to appreciate?
Many times in the past there were opinions, views, habits, people and whatnot that I disliked, or outright hated. I involuntarily constructed an image about them in my mind, that was much worse than the reality, and I based it on only what I knew or assumed to know about them at the time. Then in one way or another I got to know these people and these things, and the more I knew and understood them, the more comfortable I was with them. Maybe it's something like the "fear of the unknown (or just partially known)". During the course of my life I will inevitably meet with people who are into hookups, tell about their hookups, or are perfectly comfortable sharing their private lives with me or anyone. If I automatically react to these things like I described in my previous post, then it will remain an obstacle for me, as it will mess with my mood and my emotions. Believe it or not, reading these answers and thinking it all through has already helped me. I feel more at ease when thinking/reading about hookups. Maybe I will never fully understand those who like hooking up, and more than likely I will never be into hookups, but I want to lose this hostility towards this whole thing. I want to take it down to a level where I'm at least emotionally okay with it, even if I disagree with this "lifestyle" in a calm and logical way. I hope this sheds some more light on my thinking.
