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I really need someone to talk to

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Sam2, Mar 9, 2015.

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  1. Sam2

    Sam2
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    Sorry about the long post, but i hope you'll read it all.
    a while back I was put in a home for mentally unstable people. they said I had severe nerve damage. they said it was myopathy. but quickly my appetite depleted and I dramatically lost weight, about 30 lb's in 1 and 1/2 months. I began showing purple lesions on my face and back. they asked me when I had last used a needle and when i had last had sex. they took a blood test, unsatisfied with the results, i had them take another.... I have AIDS.

    Which helped a tumor in my brain grow. causing a stroke. Now i can't see out of my left eye.

    somewhat amazing really, because I had been a heroin addict for a long time and never caught anything. found out I'm a dad and cleaned myself up. but because I'm gay, my daughters mom and I are not dating. so I met a cute guy.. who tragically didn't know he had it. Now he comes over 3 times a day just to comfort me, he has HIV I have AIDS. I didn't know there was a difference but according to my dr, there is one, a big one. I used to be fat, about 4 months ago I weighed 230lbs, now i weigh 175, I can't seem to eat. I am always nauseous, and always weak. and my health is depleting very quickly.

    The one bright side, my incredibly un-supportive parents, are now paying my rent, and my medical bills. which means i can stop working and spend more time with my daughter. I am terrified not just for myself but mostly for her, I just re entered her life, and now it seems i might be leaving soon, for good.

    My luck has to me, always seemed like it was out of a movie. i have the worst luck of anyone I've ever met..... and now it seems that luck is ending. not ending as in getting better, as in, if everything else is ending. so does my luck. I've decided that before I start chemotherapy I am going to take my daughter to Disney land, and Islands of adventure in orlando florida. I want her to remember me, but mostly remember how much I love her.


    Best case scenario, i live for a few more years and see her enter middle school..... I really want to see her live.

    as if finding this out soon after realizing I'm a dad isn't enough. most of my friends refuse to go near me. I honestly thought that belief had ended..... guess not. My babys mom, my ... I guess we'll say my boyfriend and like 2 friends will still hang out with me. everyone else is freaked out. thinks they'll catch it by being in the same room as me, including my parents, they'll pay my rent, they'll help me financially. but they won't talk to me in person. (I'm literally sobbing right now) In the time I need loved ones most, no one will talk to me. people are even unfriending me on facebook, some have even had the nerve to tell me that AIDS is caused by my "gayness"

    My boyfriend tries tirelessly to comfort me. which I can't tell you how much that means to me. but he is the one who gave it to me, so i am still quite resentful. I'm so scared, and so painfully alone.

    My doc says infections are often called "cancers" when you have AIDS, i asked him, what if you actually have cancer while having AIDS? he looked at the ground and said "Were going to do everything we can"
    Not exactly inspiring me.

    I'm looking for two things, links to any kind of AIDS awareness video, as it is hard to read having lost the vision in one eye.

    The next. will someone please talk to me? message me every now and then? even if i don't respond quick. no one will talk to me anymore, and it's so hard to go through this alone. I really need a friend. @Chip, anyone. I'm so scared. I don't want to face this all by myself. and this site is the only one group to seem like they care...

    anyone, i just don't want to be alone right now

    ---------- Post added 9th Mar 2015 at 06:35 AM ----------

    what I left out, I had a stroke from the tumor in my brain, causing my left eye to stop working. I am blind in one eye
     
    #1 Sam2, Mar 9, 2015
  2. BlueLion

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    Hello.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. You can talk to me whenever you want :slight_smile: I may not answer quickly, but I will.

    You have all my support (*hug*)
     
    #2 BlueLion, Mar 9, 2015
  3. m e l v i n

    m e l v i n
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    ohhh Sam, you have all my support too! you are not alone in this (*hug*)
     
    #3 m e l v i n, Mar 9, 2015
  4. Sam2

    Sam2
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    I feel alone. I think people are avoiding me, not because of the AIDS but because of how I caught it, homo behavior. damn I wish I could sleep.... this has turned out to be the worst week of my life
     
    #4 Sam2, Mar 9, 2015
  5. Poster

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    That's really rough going Sam, so sorry to hear. I hope you do get to take your daughter to Disneyland, and generally experience an upturn in fortune.
     
    #5 Poster, Mar 9, 2015
  6. BlueLion

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    Some people can be so cruel and ignorant. Focus on the people who really love you and accept you.
     
    #6 BlueLion, Mar 9, 2015
  7. m e l v i n

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    i think that's just unfair, AIDS is not something that's exclusive to homosexuals.. but even if it is, people with it needs to be treated with love and care :/ i don't really know how i could cheer you up, but i'm telling you Sam, you're not alone buddy! (*hug*) we're just here for you! (*hug*)
     
    #7 m e l v i n, Mar 9, 2015
  8. Alt

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    I'm not a full member so I can't send tells, apologies Sam. I sent an application when I read your post.
     
    #8 Alt, Mar 9, 2015
  9. Zane7

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    Hey, Sam2, I just want to let you know that you are in my prayers. You have been through a lot, and I just hope you can find some peace now. Never give up and never lose hope. My grandma was diagnosed with cancer and told she had 6 months to live. She beat the odds and lived for 3 more years, and she was able to enjoy most of that time in relative health. My mom was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. We prayed and hoped and prayed some more. It was the most frightening time of my life, but it was also a time where my family's faith and trust in Christ multiplied. After a surgical procedure, the doctor who had told my mom that he was 99.99% sure she had cancer called her in to let her know it was benign! Miracles and healing can happen. Just take it one day at a time, my friend. Though your father and mother have let you down, just know that your Heavenly Father never will. Hang in there.
     
    #9 Zane7, Mar 9, 2015
  10. PatrickUK

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    Sam, it's hard to imagine how you must feel right now. I'm sure you only touched upon the thoughts and feelings that are going round and round in your mind as you face this diagnosis and it's hardly surprising that you are finding it difficult to sleep or rest. I would encourage you to share your thoughts in more detail if you want/need to. I hope I can speak for everyone who reads your posting in saying that we are here to offer support and a safe place to talk about it all, without judgement. God knows, you'll need that when so many ill informed and narrow minded people are turning the other way. Tell us about your fears, but also tell us about the hopes you have for your daughter Sam. Apart from your boyfriend, do you have any other support? Do you have access to any services that can offer guidance or advocacy?

    Some days, you may prefer not to talk about your diagnosis at all and that's fine - you can just come here for chat and light relief, if that helps.

    You're part of our community Sam and we are not going away. We're with you while you need us and I'm happy for you to message me any time... and I'll message you too.

    Look after yourself and try to stay well.

    (&&&)
     
    #10 PatrickUK, Mar 9, 2015
  11. kindy14

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    Don't take this as a death sentence dude. Just remember your daughter and how you want her to remember you. You don't want to give up on yourself, that would be a bad example. People have lived through worse, just keep that in mind, and a positive outlook in your heart. You can beat all this.

    Two of my newest friends just learned they were HIV+ and they are going through some of the same shit. I could only hug them harder, and make sure they knew I was there for them. One of them, suffered from testicular cancer when he was 5 years old, and a heart surgery I think when he was in high school (maybe.) He's also a recovering meth head, former drug dealer, and he's always trying to put on a positive face. He has only broke down in tears when he told his mom. But, I can see the pain on his face, and sometimes in the tone of his voice. All I can think of doing then is giving them a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Wish I could be with you right now.

    People who shun individuals in their life with HIV or AIDs, are ignorant. They probably do not know that much about the condition, or the issues surrounding it. They aren't going to catch it through casual contact.

    Good luck, and keep fighting. We are here for you when you need us, even if we can't be there.
     
    #11 kindy14, Mar 9, 2015
  12. Chip

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    Sam,

    You've been dealt a lot of really difficult blows, and I know that this one feels like a knockout. I know a little about how you feel because I had a friend who became HIV+ and was using a lot of drugs and, like you, it quickly progressed to AIDS... all the time with him unaware.

    He went to a hospital ER because of extremely painful infections and they figured out that he had AIDS in a pretty advanced stage. He was in the hospital for over a month and I was his only friend in the area (at least, the only remotely healthy one and the only one he was willing to see.) So I visited him in the hospital every night for a couple of hours. The pain specialist came in and looked at his heart rate and other factors and figured out his pain was off the charts. At the time, they weren't sure they could get things under control.

    The good news? That was more than 10 years ago. He's leading a pretty normal life. And he's been told he'll have a pretty normal lifespan. Another friend became HIV+ in his late 20s, in the early-1980s when there were no real options for treatment. Many times, he was told he would die, and several times he came close. But he lived into his 60s and had a very full life. (Had this happened 10 years later, he'd likely still be alive.)

    So, so, so much of the outlook and prognosis for a person rests with their attitude and "fight". And you have plenty of reason to live. You're sober, and you have a daughter that helped you develop the motivation to get sober. She can also be the motivation to help you get the upper hand over this condition. And simply living for yourself, because you deserve it, is important too.

    I know it feels really shitty right now, and I can understand the mixed emotions and resentment you feel toward your boyfriend. And there's got to be a sense that you don't deserve any of this and wondering why you've been handed these particular cards to play.

    I don't have any definitive answers. I do know that I've seen an awful lot of people who have been in really shitty situations like yours bounce back. I can also tell you that cancer treatments have advanced dramatically in the past 10 years and even brain tumors aren't death sentences any more. Every day we're learning more about treating complex diagnoses like concurrent cancer and HIV.

    You might want to do some research and contact some of the larger centers (CARES in Sacramento is one, funded entirely by charitable donations) that exist solely to research and treat HIV, and find out what options exist; much of the cutting-edge work in treatment of complex cases of HIV concurrent with other diagnoses are being done in the San Francisco area because of the incidence and prevalence here.

    And, too, I think doing your own work -- continuing to work the 12 steps, particularly in forgiving yourself and learning to love and believe in yourself -- can make a huge difference.

    I honestly believe you can beat this back. I've seen others with circumstances similar to yours who have done so. Please keep trying, and please keep posting here. And feel free to PM me if you want to talk one-on-one.
     
    #12 Chip, Mar 9, 2015
  13. bingostring

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    I also know someone like that .. but has had it 15 years .. there is hope

    and as you are so young you have got the strength to fight on and see your daughter in to university and beyond.

    make sure you are getting all the best advice, and second opinions if it is possible..

    you must be in sort of shock right now. Keep people around you and take support wherever you can get it

    people who are ignoring you are dorks and, at best, just inept or scared. don't feel they are a lost cause though. maybe things can improve there too.

    keep on EC too .. big (*hug*)
     
    #13 bingostring, Mar 9, 2015
  14. m e l v i n

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    hi Sam :slight_smile: just wanna wish you a great day today and give you a hug (*hug*)
     
    #14 m e l v i n, Mar 9, 2015
  15. Theron

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    *offers a hug*

    AIDS hit the gay community hard in the 80s and the stereotype has stuck around. However, the population that has the most cases of HIV/AIDS now is the heterosexual one.

    It's important not to focus on the negative but see the good you can still do with your life now--love your boyfriend and your daughter with all your heart for as long as you can, because love is a strong legacy you can leave.
     
    #15 Theron, Mar 9, 2015
  16. Sam2

    Sam2
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    Yea i'm going to meet with 2 specialists. one for HIV and one for tumors. and just take it from there. I am in shock, but i have no intention of giving up. I'm trying not to see it as a death sentence, but being told you have HIV and Cancer all in one week is well shitty

    ---------- Post added 9th Mar 2015 at 06:41 PM ----------

    yea they said the reason it would've proggressed so quickly would be from the damage I had already done to my immune system by drinking and all of that stuff. whats weird to me is that i never new i had it. I had some symptoms which couldve been related, but even the drs didn't assume this. the only notisable sign was that i wasn't really eating, but i attributed it to... idk i just wasn't hungry haha. when it did hit, it hit quickly.
     
    #16 Sam2, Mar 9, 2015
  17. joshy the queen

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    you had me crying for real i just wish i was your friend in their so i can help you right now
    anyway i really wish that you will get better and will be able to live with this better than you are now people who stay alive longer with things like these are people who are living a happy life you have to live your life acting carefully about yourself and at the same time just try to be happy and cheerful happy people live longer you never know maybe you will live to see your daughter get married ^_^ have hope in life its what keeps us alive
     
    #17 joshy the queen, Mar 9, 2015
  18. Sam2

    Sam2
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    although I posted this yesterday, I have known for about a week, just been trying to grasp the situation at hand.

    I have little support. when I told my parents they cried, (In my mind, it was because of the way they treated me) when i tried to hug them, my dad pushed me into the wall behind me and said "Please don't touch us" I just said Okay and left. I keep waiting for a call from them. but i know one is not coming. I just hope it will, whether sooner or later.

    My boyfriend is a mess. and I have not made it easier. honestly just finding out I had it made me snap. cuss at him, insult him. I said "you didn't think it was necessary you inform me you had symptoms of AIDS before you fucked me!?" he just sobbed and said he didn't know.

    My babys mother, who I do not frequently get a long with, just cried and held me tight. she said something, which to people who are surrounded by opened minded people, may not seem big. But too me was huge. She just said "I'm so sorry I want you to spend as much time with hope as possible." this made me cry with happiness.

    Hope spent the day with me, she is asleep right now at my apt, she is too cute. but even she noticed something. she asked "What happened to your face daddy?" as I have a lesion under my left eye, I just told her I was sick. I don't have it in me, to explain the details. her 4th birthday is coming up, and i want to surprise her with the Disney land news, not ruin it by telling her I'm dying or might be soon.

    other than my boyfriend and baby's mother, I have little support. My friends... lets say there names are tom and jimmy (I don't want to put there real names up here) expressed that they will hangout whenever they can. but i have not heard back from them since, although they each work 3 jobs so i know they're busy. I just hope they don't turn out like everyone else. Point being I do not have much support. most days, I just sit in my apt alone. trying to make sense of this, when i can't handle it anymore. I just watch TV, write or listen to music. as booze and drugs, and even cigs are no longer an option to take the edge off. damn.... this is a real bitch
     
    #18 Sam2, Mar 10, 2015
  19. m e l v i n

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    i wish i live near to visit you and even just give you a hug (*hug*) stay strong buddy!
     
    #19 m e l v i n, Mar 10, 2015
  20. CrazyAwkward

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    I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. If it helps at all, you're in my thoughts. Try to hang in there (*hug*)
     
    #20 CrazyAwkward, Mar 10, 2015
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