Ive been clean for 54 days, almost two months but a few things have happened recently to end my streak. Number one... My grandparents and closeted gay cousin came out to cali to visit and them fighting induced my panic and anxiety disorder. Two... I started contacting my father again to see if he would sign away parental rights so I could perhaps get surgery and or testosterone and he hasn't responded, and I know he has receded to his manipulative and narrsisistic ways again and will do anything to prevent my forward movement. Don't try to tell me to throw away my weapon because ive tried many times and everytime I find a new razor. In the past three days I have over 265 new cuts and theyre so much deeper than they were before I quit and Im terrified Ill hurt myself much more seriously than I intend to while cutting... I want to stop, I really do, but I just cant. I know why I do it, I know why I started... and even after removing the cause I still carry the habbit because it makes me feel like I have controle over myself. It's getting into the nintys and hundreds where I live and Im wearing sweats and hoodies everywhere to keep this from my mom, and my school... Im just scared...
I've heard holding ice can help. Or snapping a rubber band on your wrist. There's also this website called 7 cups of tea where you can talk to someone if you need to. ---------- Post added 31st Mar 2015 at 07:53 PM ---------- I've heard that holding ice, working out, or snapping a rubber band on your wrist can help. There's also a website called 7 cups of tea where you can talk to someone if you need to.
All I can say from personal experience is finding a happy place. I used to self-harm myself, I still do but not by cutting (I bite my knuckles due to stress and it is a part of my autism). I have almost bled out 5 times from cutting so deep because I was so sad and heartbroken over terrible things done to me and decisions made by other people. Also, snapping a rubber band does not work for everyone. My best piece of advice is therapy, rubbing alcohol to clean the cuts, finding an outlet for your stress. Self-harm is a form of physical release of stress and trauma. From what you have said this is not based on attention, it is based on stress. If you can, get a therapist, one that is LGBTQ and Genderqueer friendly and pick up a hobby.
Do you have anybody you can call when you're feeling out of control? Somebody who won't judge you, but will help distract you and keep you safe? I've found that anything that's physically exerting helps me the most (could be anything from throwing stuff to biking as fast as I can), because when I'm about to self-harm I physically feel like I'm wound so tight I'm going to explode (sort of like when you're on the verge of a panic attack). Bandaging them up so much that I can't get to them also works pretty well for me. It at least delays me enough that I don't to it as severely, or it's more easy to divert. My friend (who has had his own self-harm issues) always jokes about "suicide gloves"- basically something like boxing gloves that get duct taped to your arms. I always say "I'll stop when I find something that gives me as much peace and comfort as harming myself does", and I think that's generally the key for everybody. Finding something else that gives you the same feeling, but without the physical damage. I'm still searching for it myself, so I don't really have any suggestions as to what may work for you...but I think we should never stop trying to find it. I also strongly agree with Deadsouls that you speak to a therapist if at all possible. In general, they're a lot less judgmental about it than you think. I know I was afraid I'd get sent to the hospital (again) when I told mine, but she was very supportive and understanding. Deadsouls- be careful with the biting too. I started biting my arms to STOP myself from picking/cutting...but I would up doing it so hard that I caused giant purple and black bruises, which actually resulted in lasting damage, and was so painful it restricted the use of my arms.
I have always done it since I was a child. I guess it is due to my autism but I really do not like to use that as something to blame. Self-harm is a part of it and is more common. I used to hit my legs a lot and bite myself when I was a child. I am not joking about this at all, I am being serious. I have had friends that have been in self-harm. I have been in the hospital and it is terrible to wake up and realize how many loved ones are around you and you have your favorite stuffed animal with you.
