Very recently I said something which upset my "Bromance" friend. I told him that we could not have any more sleep-overs because he gives me confusing messages as to whether he gives sexual consent or not. One moment he said "Yes", then he said "No", then he said "Maybe", then he said he didn't mean "No" but meant "Yes", and then he said that actually he meant "Maybe" but leaning towards "Yes", and then he said "No", and then "Yes" again, and then "No", and then "Maybe". It was a difficult situation because we often slept together (nearly every day), and quite often nude (about 25% of the time). I researched it, and the best thing to do is for both people to complete a "Sexual Consent Form". That way it is legal rather than someone being confused about whether the other person gives thier consent or not to engage in sexual activity. If someone doesn't give sexual consent then the other party is guilty of rape. Here is the best form I could find: Sex Contract - Sign This Form Before You Have Sex
I'm sorry, I happen to think that's a spectacularly bad idea. The reason I think it's a bad idea is not that I don't think consent is important. I do! But the problem is that the idea of a "contract" creates the idea in people's minds that there's an irrevocable commitment. "Well, I said I am okay with anal on the form, but I just don't want to do it right now." See the problem? People can't back out of things they previously thought they would be comfortable with but now are uncomfortable with. Your guideline on consent should be asking what's okay. Always check up with him to see if he likes it. (Of course, there are clear non-verbal modes of consent as well.) But basically, you should be able to engage his affirmative, enthusiastic consent. If you don't have that, it's time to put on the breaks and either renegotiate, or skip that particular activity for the day. ~ Adrienne
Sorry, but that really is as much use as an ejector seat in a helicopter. You don't need to say no to sleep overs just because of sex! Though I've never had to ask or been asked for consent, it just you know, happens.
I don't really think consent forms are a good idea either. Just make sure that before and during intercourse, you both exchange a verbal "yes" before moving on. I know, it sounds like it may be a buzzkill, but it will make sure nobody is doing something they are uncomfortable doing.
I am back and forth on this. In some cases a contract would be very helpful, such as in a BDSM relationship. However, when it comes to a not BDSM relationship it could prove problematic because a person can sign it and later change their mind. However, since they singed the contract they might not think that they can say stop, or the other party might not stop even if someone is uncomfortable.
A consent form can be a great place to facilitate discussion. It can include language that says something to the effect of "Regardless of the consent on this form, either party has the right to stop sexual activity at any time by telling the other partner." The reality is that the mere existence of something that both parties read, talk about, and sign will both help clarify things and provide some sort of documentation that there was a discussion. But the other reality is... if he's beiing wishy-washy, then doing anything sexual is a bad idea.
While I'm receptive to that line of reasoning, Chip, I wonder what you think about something as simple as "I don't want to make any assumptions. What kinds of things turn you on?" I still think that contracts have the potential to give things a legalistic feel that impinges on the organic nature of consent negotiation. I could see this increasing pressure on people, and I still worry about the withdrawl of consent problem in this context.
Adrian, I think the conversation can be equally effective. From a pure risk management perspective, having something in writing at least shows that there was a discussion about consent and some form of understanding, at least at the time the agreement was made. It's one more piece of data out there in case someone makes accusations after the fact. It's a sad state of affairs that we need to even consider that, but the reality is that people get hurt (in both directions) and accusations get made, and minds change... so while I wouldn't use such things as a matter of course, I do think in certain situations they can be helpful.
I'm not sure a form would really work :/ It seems a little formal, considering the circumstances. I'd suggest you just have a long talk and try and figure out what he's okay with (remember to say what you're okay with too). Just get it all out in the open for reference later. I agree with some of the earlier posts. I think it would be better to arrange some kind of signal, even if it is a spoken 'yes' to signify consent, and a signal for 'no'. That way, you definitely know the other person is okay with what's happening. Hope this helps, sorry to be a buzzkill
There was an app that tried to be a sexual consent agreement form. However, it is not as easy as you think: First, it still not negate people from being coerced into signing such form, which makes it pointless and another defense for the criminal. Second, sexual consent may change during the act. If during the act, you want it to stop due to any reason, that is consent withdrawn, and it should be respected. If the partner continues the act, that is sex without consent. A contract doesn't allow this kind of consent withdrawal. I think it is better to communicate and define boundaries in the first place, and find someone who will respect those boundaries. Also, do the same to them. A legally bound contract complicate matters more than it solve things.
I guess another consideration here would be is the set-up even worth it if it comes to the point of having to sign consent forms? I have heard of consent agreements/forms pertaining to BDSM activity, but it seems a bit atypical for mere sex. From a legal point, I would think the burden of proof would be that he would have to prove he objected and was forced. Sex is a social and personal interaction that is typically organic and relies heavily on contextual and social cues. I don't think a wishy-washy attitude cuts it. Also, the dynamic of your relationship is a factor. If you two have had a long friendship or "bromance" that involves interaction on levels other than sex, the likelihood of him pursuing you legally would be very low. You don't mention a lot about the dynamics of the relationship, but it could be that he is not "out" or is still exploring his sexuality and his reluctance is a result of that and that does not mean he is going to cite "rape."
Hi Chip. Since my recent experience I agree that if someone keeps 'swinging back and forth the pendulum of their consent' ie being "wishy-washy" then it is best to have no sexual contact with that person. In the instance of my former friend it was so confusing coz we'd 'mess about' but as soon as he got a boner he'd turn away/over, say "no", the contact stopped, and once his dick had gone soft again he'd turn back over & it would start all over again. I asked him why he does that, and he said that he had issues of being ashamed of liking guys, so he turned away/over in the hope that I hadn't noticed he'd got a hardon. I told him that I knew he did coz when he 'spooned' me, or when we were up close I could feel it poking against me. He then admitted that yes he does get an erection and that he turns over/turns away coz he is ashamed of liking another guy in that way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoYxd3E3UXU Here is a good video about how to communicate with a partner in a way that is not rigid and can continually change.
That's a rubbish idea. Consent is 'no' unless you say 'yes.' No exceptions. Also consent can be revoked at ANY time.
The new ideas of consent are kinda painful. I mean, you really need someone to say "yes" to know that they want to have sex? It's pretty fucking obvious if someone is consenting to sex or not...
It can be revoked, but that guy would be lying if he says yes today and then says he meant no tomorrow. Like Chip said, when people keep moving the goalposts, they are untrustworthy and are best avoided entirely.
