Missed trains everyday? Finding a shoe on the fridge (kidding)? Shitty mood day after day with no signs of improvement? Being unable to remember stuff? Just wishing you were dead? Avoiding talking to anybody? Wanting desperately to be left alone? I'm curious about the limits of the human body before it... well, whatever it does when you cross the line... Besides your average panic attack of course... I'm talking about stuff that can't be undone here. Any comments related to experiences with lack of sleep, serious commuting (+4 hours/day) and working your ass off are very welcomed. Also any kind of (legal) wonder drug to keep you swinging as if nothing happens (All but coffee and/or energy drinks...)
You could try to create some time for yourself... every day a few minutes contemplating... having a cup of tea, no loud music etc...calming down and relaxing... only few tv during the day, or none at all... no sad or morbid music, readings, etc. Only uplifting stuff. This also programs you to expect good things to happen. Same for the tv. A good drinking water, preferably uncarbonated, instead of high sugar drinks... hugs
I don't have an answer to how you know you're too close to the edge, but it sounds like you're very depressed. Is there any chance you would seek help for that? I do, however, have lots of experience with lack of sleep, as I have suffered from severe insomnia (been unable to sleep at all for days on end sometimes) for most of my life. In addition to what jay777 said, what I have found helps me sleep: No caffeine after 4 PM. Preferably no caffeine at all. Notice that black, white and green tea all contain caffeine. Chamomile tea and a light meal before bed. Chamomile tea doesn't contain caffeine. You can also drink a glass of warm milk if you prefer. Meditation in the evening to quiet my mind. Relaxing reading before going to bed. Using the bed only for sleep (and sex). All of those may not be for you, but some might. They will only go so far in helping you, and some nights there probably just won't be any sleep anyway. If you're sleep deprived to the point of having hallucinations, it may be better to call in sick and try to catch up on some sleep if possible. Modafinil is a legal drug that does what you want. It is also not a stimulant like caffeine so you won't become jittery, but you need to talk to your doctor and get a prescription for it. It's also not very addictive, and has been shown to improve general mood and also working memory. I am personally not a big fan of pharmaceutical remedies, but if you need to commute over 4 hours a day and also suffer from insomnia it could be an option.
There is no real edge beyond what we choose, a person can be paralyzed and still love life, cherish every moment that he still has left and see the beauty that surrounds him. This is your choice, don't escape, don't hide, find instead meaning through change. See the familiar through new eyes and accept that this is your life to live and it's yours to mold using the prism of your mind!
