I have issues cumming from anyone's hand (slash any other method of stimulation) other than my own. I really enjoy being jerked and sometimes oral is really great (though a lot of the time my dick just doesn't feel anything when getting sucked). Also, I've generally avoided trying to top during sex because sometimes I easily lose my erection and it's difficult to get it back up. I'm trying to figure out if it's psychological (such as just overthinking it and having developed an irrational fear that is preventing me from just relaxing and enjoying it) or if my methods of masturbation have led to this problem--see, I have a particular method of masturbation that is not easily replicated by others or by other sensations, and also involves me tensing up my body and holding my breath. Only one guy has managed to jerk me to cumming without me needing to "aid" him (i.e. bring myself to the edge and have him jerk it over/suck it over). This is really frustrating because I also have issues cumming in positions other than with my legs out in front of me and me laying down/sitting up, so it's hard to cum during sex when bottoming. Does anyone else have this issue? I've been dealing with this issue ever since I became sexually active, and may have been present for years before that too. :help:
It is very common to feel little from someone else's hand. When we masturbate, we adjust our movements to enhance the stimulation that we are experience. Even with experience, a partner cannot know exactly how to stimulate us as well as we theoretically could. Having difficulty keeping an erection is a completely different story. I would imagine fearing not being able to climax would increase your anxiety when anticipating sexual activity, but do you think that anxiety could have caused the difficulty that you are experiencing from the beginning?
Thanks for the quick reply Gen. I understand the whole "we know our bodies best" idea. But every partner I've been with has had no issues getting to the point of cumming from sex or blowjobs or handjobs alone. I want to be able to do that, because in my opinion the orgasms I had from the one guy who managed to stroke me to completion felt much stronger and more intimate than when I stroked off next to my partner. And the only thing keeping me from enjoying topping is that I'm afraid I won't reach completion or go soft inside and insult the guy bottoming. I believe that the erection issues are an effect of my performance anxiety, because the few time's I've lost myself in the pleasure or felt comfortable with my partner, I've been rock hard. And the fact that until I've been unzipped, I am pretty erect just from light touching and kissing. That being said, I watched a ton of porn as a teen, and I noticed that for the most part I am never fully erect during masturbation unless I've abstained for multiple days from cumming. Again, I think this may have been me psychologically worrying and being unable to just enjoy it, as well as rushing to finish because I didn't want to be caught as a teen at home.
Are you on any medication? When I was on anti-depressant I would frequently go from build up to the post orgasmic refractory stage and lose my erection without orgasm. Very frustrating.
Ugh for some reason the quick reply didn't post. Oh well. Thanks for the quick response Gen and KJA. Gen: Theoretically I understand the "no one knows our bodies better than us" idea, but every guy I've been with has been able to cum from sex alone, blowjobs, or me giving him a "hand." That's what I want to do, because the few times my ex was able to make me cum from jerking me, it felt much more amazing and intimate than me stroking off beside him. In fact, I believe the only reason I have only exclusively bottomed and never topped is because I have this performance anxiety and am afraid I'll go soft inside or not reach completion and my partner will be hurt by it. My erection problems are most likely due to my overthinking and performance anxiety; I am too lost in my own thoughts to just enjoy the experiences I have and enjoy myself. Perhaps it's because it takes a long time for me to be comfortable with someone, but I've always had a fear of "doing it wrong" (which extends outside the bedroom too but that is neither here nor there). However, I was also an avid porn user as a teen (but who wasn't?), and often I would not have a full erection during my masturbation sessions. However, this could be due to the fact I was always rushing to finish because I had little to no privacy and was afraid of being caught. I don't believe that is so much of an issue here because until my pants are unzipped, I am usually rock hard from kissing and touching, or sometimes even just by conversations. KJA: No, the only medicine I'm taking is Synthroid, which is a synthetic thyroid hormone for my hypothyroidism.
I take two blood pressure meds and a beta blocker and sometimes I have trouble keeping an erection. Going to ask about it the next time I see the doctor.
I have trouble some times with some one else masturbating me especially the last time I was with some one I couldn't cum at all... I too wonder if we masturbate a certain way all the time it does affect us when we are with some one?
I can only cum from jerking off, and getting a blowjob feels good, but I don't think it can make me cum. I've only topped once and it doesn't feel all that great. I wish I could cum other than jerking odd, but oh well. Would love to hear other responses though.
Sorry to take so long to respond, this thread completely slipped my mind. Aussie and Jax, that's exactly what happens with me. Except usually blowjobs only feel good for like the first minute or so, then my dick feels like...I don't know, desensitized to it? I go soft really quickly and once I'm soft it's hard to get me...hard (sorry for the bad pun). I have a Fleshjack that I use occasionally but that doesn't feel much different than getting blown. And it dries up really quickly since I can't use longer-lasting lubes and I can take 30 minutes or more to cum using it, and it requires me to tense up a ton and hold my breath (these were habits I developed masturbating that would get me to cum faster...it is now really difficult to cum without doing this). It's just frustrating because I haven't met anyone who has had the same issue as me, so it can't be something as simple as overmasturbation, since one of my exes would masturbate 4-5 times a day... -_-
Maybe when you masturbate, try to change what you do and try to adapt into a 'softer' routine than the one you do currently? Tensing and holding your breath sounds uncomfortable anyway
Very common to have the experience you're having, especially if gay sexual experiences are somewhat new to you. If you're able to masturbate normally by yourself, then almost certainly the issue is psychological. And one of the best ways to work with that is simply by talking about it. Orgasm is a complicated and nuanced combination of physical, mental/emotional and biological, and our level of comfort and safety is pretty crucial to achieving orgasm for many people. Further complicating things, getting nervous or anxious about not being able to stay aroused, or not being able to achieve orgasm can, itself, make it even more difficult to achieve orgasm. One of the things you can do is simply let go of the need to orgasm. If you can approach the experience just to connect with and enjoy time with your partner, without the expectation of orgasm... many times that, in itself, is enough to enable you to have orgasm. There are also a few materials on practicing mindfulness techniques that enhance orgasm and ejaculation. Unfortunately,except for one that's under development and nowhere near release, none that I know of are particularly amazing. Finally, if the problem is really persistent, this is the sort of thing that sex therapists regularly work with.
