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An update - if any one cares

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by aussielefty, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. aussielefty

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    This will be a long read (longest I have ever written )
    and some of this might be a bit graphic which is what I always say to my doctor but its only way I know how to tell it..
    sorry guys..

    When I first joined this site my head wasn't in a good place.. It still isn't wonderful but I am working on things..
    I'm a 45 year old male trying to find my self again, learning about being a man who knows now that he is gay and trying to do all this with out the need to kill myself or take drugs or start drinking..

    I lost my father due to lung cancer almost 18 months ago ..,
    he passed away Christmas day 2013 and that was very difficult to deal with for me at least....
    my mother passed away almost 9 years ago..
    When we still had his house I would still go over there half expecting him to be there but in my mind I thought
    my dad was away on holidays etc..
    but the worse was a few months ago when we sold his house and it was suddenly like all the connection to him was gone !.. thought I could handle things.. thought wrong...

    Not only all of the above happening , father , being gay and also loosing my income,thru no fault of my own.
    there were several times I would lay naked on the floor of my shower (no bath) and let the water fill the bottom of the shower, trying to drown myself while while bawling my eyes out , other times I'd lay in bed under the blankets trying to hide from myself and the whole world.

    I also discovered I had genital warts, It took me almost 18 months and finding another doctor that would help me with this and I have to go have surgery to remove them, just behind my scrotum and around my anus.. not looking forward to that. and trying to find out if I can still have a normal sex life..
    This lady doctor is very very good and I , never having done this before with my other doctor or any other one for that matter told her everything that was going on and I just cried my eyes out. She was very caring and I had never felt so comfortable with a doctor before.

    my previous doctor put me on to a counsellor and I talked to her about my issues with loosing my father and about discovering I was gay, but she wasn't trained to handle my gay issues and wanting to talk about my sex life etc so I had to leave that therapist. While talking to to the doctor who is treating my genital warts she booked me in to see a sexual health counsellor , who is trained to talk about sexual health issues and about gay issues ., which I really really need.
    And I'm seeing her next week.. I'll let you know how that goes..

    and of my sexual issues ,quite painful at times.most of the time...

    With women

    I had only ever had virginal sex with prostitutes,girls were never ever interested in me..
    one day I was fucking this woman and I was so hard and erect as I ever could have been while inside her
    but I wasn't enjoying it .
    I had to force my self to cum inside her so I could finish up and leave,never ever had so much pain from my
    testicles after that!
    I decided there and then I never wanted to see another vagina or a pair of breasts again..
    I felt so fucking horrible inside , so empty so confused.......

    With men
    Most of my life its only ever been blow n goes , the men I meet of the net just come and fuck me in my ass and then leave.. yeah they all love my bum take me so hard I want to die from it.. and then leaving me naked on my bed crying and wanting more than this..
    I think I may have been raped a few times, not sure if this counts as rape but some times the men would get so excited for my tight anus at least thats what they told me, and some men had really thick dicks and they would grab my hair and hold on to my shoulders and just fuck me so hard it hurts and ,I was sure they were inside my stomach !.
    I would be begging for them to stop but some of them would be still going, shoving my head into my pillow telling me to shut up and a few times I would find blood down my legs., not sure where that came from ?? ...
    That's happened a few times over my life.. is that rape? can a man be raped ?
    I have no idea...


    But then one fabulous night in my whole entire life happened!

    Reluctantly I met up with a really nice guy on a gay dating hook up site and he invited me to his place for an evening.
    we met and talked for a while on the lounge while watching tv.. He then started fondling me and kissing me which I love more than any thing !

    Eventually we went to his bedroom where more kissing and cuddling happened and I got to suck on his beautiful penis ..
    he returned the favour buy masturbating and sucking me off but I think for the times I stated above I couldn't cum for him and cried in his arms for a while. I was so ashamed, he tried to get me to let it all go ..
    Then he lay me over and entered me , I thought, here we go he's going to hard and fast and fuck me so hard again and that will be it but it was the opposite, he was so gentle and kind and waited for me to respond.
    He actually made love to me that night. It was a different kind of sex to what I was used to..

    I have never ever ever felt so much love from some one before..
    Later that night after some more crying on his chest, which was hairy and I love hairy chests !
    we spooned together in his bed and he fell asleep in with me in his arms. it was then that I realized I am gay and wanted some one in my life...to love and make love to... that was the most incredible night of my life...

    I haven't had sexual intercourse since then and I am constantly masturbating myself when at home ,trying to make all this loneliness go away, some times 2 times a day or 3 if I can manage it and having realizing I'm a top and using my toys to pretend its a real penis, man making love to me.. I get so so lonely

    I still search sites to find that one man but dont want the sex that hurts..
    I hope Mr Right is out there for me , not sure if that s the answer or not.. I don't do clubs pubs etc..
    not much where I live any way..
    I know I need a partner, lover , friend , companion inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom.

    I have come out to all my friends but not to all of my family , some yes but not all
    Think I have come along way in a short time but I still have a long road ahead of me..
    some good sealed highways to travel on but a lot of dirt roads with lots of bumps on them..
    wonder where I will be this time next year???/


    I think this is part of some therapy for me too, to be able to talk about it...

    thanks all who took the time to read and respond, if this was in the wrong place please move it....
    Aussie Lefty :confused:
    .
     
  2. AKTodd

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    First off, I'm sorry you've had such hard times (*hug*)

    Second, it sounds like you very much know what kind of sex you don't want and what kind you do. So insist on getting what you want. No one has the right to force any particular role on you and if they try then put a stop to the proceedings right there and give them an invitation back to the world - with the business end of a baseball bat (cricket bat?) if they get pissy about it. And hairy chested guys are hot - totally with you there - so make that one of the things you look for in a guy (how important that is to you - is up to you):thumbsup:

    Third - if you know what you want and like - own it and demand it. Whether that means being a dedicated top, or vers but only willing to bottom for someone special, or wanting to date and build a connection with someone before sex comes into play, or whatever else you like. Don't apologize for it, don't treat it as 'if it's not too much trouble, could we maybe, possibly do this, please?' Treat it as 'this is what I like. If you like that too and we like each other I'm willing to consider giving you the chance to be with me. If you're not into that - your loss'. It's your life and your body and your power - don't let anyone take that away.

    Fourth - I'd like to suggest that you start working on building up a circle of friends/associates/etc. rather than focusing on finding someone for sex or a relationship. You say you're really feeling lonely - so maybe work on that first and maybe see if a relationship grows out of it. Based on your user name I gather you're in Australia and a quick check turns up that there are Meetup groups there. I only looked at Sydney (where there are a boatload of LGBT meetup groups apparently), but I'm sure there are groups in and around the other major cities as well. Probably even the not so major cities.

    Beyond Meetup, you might look for LGBT or LGBT friendly sports teams, volunteer organizations, community centers, political action groups, churches, and whatever else you can think of. The point is not so much to potentially find someone (although if that happens - woo-hoo), but to make friends, have things to do, and generally just have fun being a gay man. And if you meet someone and there's a connection - gravy.

    Fifth and finally - best of luck with your new therapist and with your medical issues. I'm sure both are a bit scary right now, but things will work out in the end.

    Take care and best to you,

    Todd
     
  3. QueerTransEnby

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    First of all, it is rape if you say stop and the person continues. Please don't blame yourself for that.

    Secondly, I would make sure that you express to the next person you are with that you want gentle sex. You are entitled to have the type of sex you desire whether it is a hookup or long relationship.

    I echo everything else that Todd has said.
     
  4. aussielefty

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    thanks guys for the kind words..

    I know I have posted bits and pieces of my life here in this forum and hope to help others out too.. its so fucking hard some days.. I often wonder about what the world would be like with out me . some times I think better off
     
  5. aussielefty

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    question guys, once I get my genital warts fixed up, hopefully soon,
    do I have to tell any one about this..
    I am still looking for a guy to be with even just for hugs and kisses and pleasing him
    Im just scared I'm never ever going to have any one , scare them away...
    also on some hook up sites they say NSA which I understand, but they say disease free!
    does this mean I cant say that any more, that just makes feel like fucking shit now..
     
    #5 aussielefty, Sep 15, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2015
  6. aussielefty

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    I talked with a guy on the phone today after searching for a local gay social group in my area,were going to meet up tomorrow and have a chat..

    I think, I hope this is a start in the right direction for me in my quest to be happy..
    way too much crying this year for me and think I could have filled a swimming pool with my tears its been so tough.
     
  7. QueerTransEnby

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    I hear you. Between being unemployed for 23 months and my rather tumultuous coming out, it has been a whirlwind.

    You will want to talk to your doctor regarding the warts, but this what I found from the CDC: http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/common-clinicians/insertgw.pdf. It sounds permanent unfortunately. :frowning2: I am sorry.
     
  8. aussielefty

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    im getting mixed reports on this, some say its permanent but you wont pass it on others say its permanent and not to have sex again? but I want to make love to so some one I dont want to never have sex again, .. so fucking confused
     
  9. QueerTransEnby

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    This is a question better suited for a doctor. I am pretty sure there are several types of genital warts. Only a doctor can tell you what you have and what precautions to make.
     
  10. aussielefty

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    thanks ,I am waiting for tests, will find out next week, just the wait is killing me..
     
  11. aussielefty

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    ok tests back, and looks like I do have to go to hospital in december to have my genital warts removed, I realy want to get this over and done with, its so stressing me out..
    now its just waiting for it all to happen, but at least its happening..

    I also talked with a counselor again yesterday, some one suited for gay issues and gay sexual health etc and was with her for over 2 hours , told her stuff I though't id end up in a home for sure! she's going to try and find a proper therapist for me. not like the one i hd before but one suited for gay stuff.. , its a start
     
  12. aussielefty

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    just another update,looks like almost all of my genital warts have gone, bar a little tiny bit left here and there,nothing like it used to be.
    I'm hoping its going to take care of itself but this is the question..

    what about my sex life/love life?
    do I tell people, about it before we even hook up for a first time or first date
    I have no idea on this...