Hello, I hate any kind of intimacy because of what went on in childhood but I really want children so the only time I'll ever have sex is to have a child because that's more important. However, how do I tell someone this without them hating me or forcing me into it [like by blackmail or physical force]? It's not just sex though, hugging [anyone], kissing, hand holding. How do I get people to respect this or walk away and not force me into it? Thank-you.
You have my deepest sympathies. Unfortunately, nobody can ever prevent themselves from getting raped - only the rapists can decide to spare you, you don't really have any influence there. Nobody can read minds and magically know that their new romantic partner is a sociopathic abuser (especially since these people are very good at manipulation and seeming harmless at first). There's a reason most rapes happen in intimate relationships, not with strangers. However, there are lists of domestic abuser or psychopath red flags that you can google to help you maybe recognise some warning signs, if there are any. Yes, I realise this is horrible and not very helpful, but we do live in a rape culture and for the time being there's no way around that. If you're sure your romantic partner is trustworthy enough not to physically force you, but they still try to talk you around in pressuring ways, explaining your trauma to them might help. But don't expect too much. Most people just can't accept that someone doesn't want sex or intimacy. As for preventing people from leaving you after you tell them you can't be intimate with them: You can't. Accept it. If someone leaves you in that situation, that means their own need for intimacy and/or sex is more important to them than your relationship. You can't change their feelings or needs, and they've got a right to them just like you have a right not to be violated. Obviously, in your case, I'd advise to try to get therapy first. It would be a shame for you to lose out on a lifetime of intimacy and pleasure you would normally have wanted, because someone hurt you. Aside from professional psychotherapy and trauma-survivor self-help groups, there are "cuddle groups" in some cities, where you meet up with a group of like-minded strangers (kind of like in a yoga class or something like that), and then you engage in strictly non-sexual, fully clothed caressing (e.g. backrubs, tickling), one-on-one or puppy pile style. Most people involved in this are just lonely and touch-starved or doing it for health reasons, but they usually are the kind of people who will be understanding and respectful if you tell them that you need to acclimatise to other people's touch slowly. I'm just suggesting this because sometimes it is easier to talk about shame and fear with complete strangers who you don't ever have to deal with in a different social context. (Kind of like alcoholics anonymous.) If all that doesn't help, maybe you'd feel safest if you specifically look for a romantic partner in the asexual community? Even if you aren't, people on the asexual spectrum generally have no need to have sex with their romantic partner (though they very well might want to have children as well), and while some do want stuff like hand-holding or hugs, some are just as touch-averse as you are. And most have spent quite some time thinking about issues and fears similar to yours and are VERY concious of consent rules and how just "If you love me" style emotional blackmail can be deeply upsetting. (And no, the asexual community normally won't be hostile and exclude you just for arriving at your platonic needs for trauma-related reasons instead of natural inclination. Everyone I've ever talked to was just happy to see more people who are respectful of asexuality as an identity, and a larger dating pool is always welcome if you belong to such a tiny minority. Just avoid claims like "I was abused and that's what made me asexual", which would probably piss quite a few people off, because there are false ideas among the non-asexual majority that it's not a sexual orientation but a mental disorder that needs treatment.) If all else fails and a romantic relationship isn't all that important to you anyways, but you really do want a baby: If you've got a womb, sperm banks are always an option. Or single parent adoption, though I'm not sure that's allowed in the UK. Or maybe look into what the necessary qualifications for foster parents are in your country, and think about giving a home to children who can't stay with their own parents (possibly for the same reasons you experienced).
"The only time I'll ever have sex is to have a child..." There are other options, you don't have to have sex to have a child. You could get a sperm donor if you wanted to carry the child, or have a surrogate mother use one of your eggs. You could also adopt, because there are many children out there who have gone through trauma (maybe even trauma similar to yours) who could really use someone to love them.
