I'd like to share something about depression and sexuality, and hope to exchange thoughts with others who might be going through something similar. I am a gay male just over 30. I have been in a deeply committed and loving relationship for 2.5 years now. My depression (which had been bubbling under chronically for several years – or a lifetime?) started to deepen little by little over the same time that we have been together with my partner. This past summer I spent 10 weeks in a clinic to finally properly treat a depression that spiraled very deep (this is part of the health insurance system in my country). Right now I feel very good in many parts of my life, I was even helped off of my medication at the clinic (I was on Mirtazapin for 5 months), and I feel good and confident about having returned to work, hobbies and social activities. Next up on the wish list: fulfilling sex life I now think that somehow my depression burst out also due to the fact that for the first time in my life I felt so safe that all the ghosts could come out. I felt so naked and exposed when I met my boyfriend, in good and bad. It was like someone could finally see through me and inside me, and I guess a little boy walked out from hiding behind a tree. I came to love him very fast, and I don't doubt my feelings at all. It's a bit of an uncomfortable thought, since at some point I felt our roles became more doctor–patient or teacher–student, than boyfriend–boyfriend (due to me being unwell). My boyfriend has been there for me from day one and we have built a mutual support that is beyond any dreams I previously had about a relationship. Unfortunately our starting point and especially the past 1.5 years have been quite "unsexy" due to these roles that formed from me being sick, one could say. We find a lot of comfort and pleasure in hugging and cuddling, but I have pushed my sexual self somewhere to the back of my head. And it troubles both of us very much. I love the way his body feels, I find him attractive and sexy. I want to grow old with him. And still, when it comes down to sex, I feel ashamed of myself and I can't relax for or during sex. Our major challenge from since we started dating has been our sexual life. He has a very natural way to enjoy his sexuality, he needs it to feel alive. I, on my side, spent the past decade first hiding my sexuality, and then going wild with endless one-night stands and hook-ups. (The whole online dating and smart phone app roller coaster that I know many can relate to.) I was basically treating anxiety and burnout with anonymous sex, and now that I want to re-wire my brain and body to enjoy a more fulfilling sexuality, it seems very, very difficult. I use all the excuses, to myself and to my boyfriend: I'm tired, let's watch a movie, let's have a drink, let's just cuddle, and especially "let's not talk about this now". Right now my boyfriend is starting to go crazy because he constantly feels so rejected, unattractive, and suffocated sexually. He feels we are back to square one – even after all my work at the clinic (which he appreciates very much). I know and we both know that these things take time. But I also know that I'm not going to just wake up one day and feel renewed sexually. I want to start working on this, because I also want to regain my libido – and this time direct it to the man I love, not to a faceless torso on my iPhone. Any thoughts on how to slowly but surely start to get over sexual insecurities while recovering from depression?
Depression can surely affect the libido. Of this I can talk from experience. Unfortunately many antidepressants can cause sexual side effect: such as difficulty in getting/maintaining erection, anorgasmia, or the persistent inability to achieve orgasm despite responding to sexual stimulation, and lack of or difficulty in ejaculating. I've worked with my psychiatrist to help alleviate these symptoms. What works for me now, pretty satisfactorily), is an anti-depressant called Wellbutrin, or generic name bupropion. Also, having consulted with my Urologist, I was prescribed Cialis. which helps with the erection. I find now that I don't need it so much, but a low dose helps give me a boost should I need it. At 57 years old, life happens, and I do what I need to do to have a fulfilling sex life
