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Bedroom Problems

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Vanguard, Dec 23, 2015.

  1. Vanguard

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    Hi internet,

    Just wanted your thoughts on a predicament I'm currently facing.

    I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 23, we've been together for about two months. I'm a dominant top and he's versatile who prefers being submissive. The problem is our bedroom relations; he has told me after I noticed it, that he likes to "finish himself off" and that he can't climax if someone is doing something to him, i.e oral etc. The only thing he wants me to do when he's getting 'ready' is to kiss him. He has stopped me halfway through acts and has even said no to offers of oral on several occasions saying "maybe tomorrow". I don't detract from him saying no, sometimes people are not up to it and that's fine but sometimes I feel like he picks and chooses when HE wants to do things as opposed to it being mutual.

    I have expressed to him my concerns at the fact that I feel like I do not physically turn him on and that I cannot satisfy him. This is the first time I've encountered this in the bedroom as I am someone who is satisfied when my partner has been taken care of. To know that I do not have that effect on him and that I won't in the future is very unnerving and makes me uncomfortable. He has told me to stop worrying and that it's him, not me. I get that (somewhat) but it does not bode well for me to know I can never satisfy my partner.

    I have never questioned my sexual prowess up until now. He tells me that he is satisfied but my problem is that the words are not reflective of the situation in the bedroom; how can he be satisfied if he has to always finish himself off? He said that he gets off on being submissive and knowing that he's pleased me but I get off knowing that I'm dominant and I took care of my partner. And when he does stop me and finish himself off, it puts me off and makes me feel uncomfortable.

    I don't want to ruin what could be a great relationship all because of my insecurities or because I have this issue with wanting to satisfy my partner and I certainly do not want it manifesting itself in the relationship. I also do not want to ask him to change because it's unfair and he's not doing anything wrong if he obviously feels like he can't finish by someone else's hand - it's just different.

    I can't help but feel we are sexually incompatible and I worry how much of an impact this will have on the relationship.
     
  2. Chloe

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    If that's what works for him, you've taken care of him when he enjoys the activities. There is no requirement for you to be the one that finishes. It does not have to be a reflection of your skill. I'm not saying you are unreasonable for feeling that way, since I'm sure it's frustrating. My partner has to deal with something similar. (Being a female in a mixed relationship, I realize it's not exactly the same.)

    However, to feel more compatible, you might try to add different things that make it more like you are pleasing him. Just help, not take over. If you don't pressure him and take it so personally, he might be agreeable to experimenting. If he's been doing things a certain way for a long time, it can be difficult to do it differently, at least at first.
     
  3. Euler

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    It is extremely difficult to say what you should do. Sex is a complex issues which in principle has no right or wrong ways to enjoy it (assuming consent and maturity). However, statistics may give you an indication. It is my understanding that most people want the other person to finish them off and deviation from this usually (but not always) is indication of some problems. Your partner may well be telling you the truth that it is NOT YOUR fault why he feels this way. He may have some inhibitions, insecurities or other issues.

    I'm not sexually very experienced. I had two flings with two different guys both of who I care deeply about. However, I just was not able to "finish" without doing it myself. I do not know if this is reflection of some subconscious anxiety, my chronic (but very mild) depression or that I am not into men in sexual way. (I always got very strong hard on but for some reason I didn't feel horny during sex so it's kind of confusing.) Despite this I fully enjoyed being with both of them I would do it again any day of the week.

    Is your partner sexually inexperienced? Did he have similar issues with his possible previous partners? Is he sure about his orientation? Is he stressed? Discuss the issue with him and try to understand what is exactly going through his head when this happens but don't be too pushy.

    Ultimately you have to be the judge if you can continue the relationship and find your satisfaction from it. If you both want monogamous relationship you cannot be left without satisfying sexual life.
     
  4. Vanguard

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    He's not sexually inexperienced, he didn't see it as an issue - he said that with his previous boyfriend, he satisfied him and took care of himself. He's certain of his orientation and very comfortable with it. I have tried to speak to him about it but his response is always "don't worry, you satisfy me" which I have to take at face value because obviously that's not evidence I see in the bedroom; his words are not reflective of the actions taken.

    Plus I can't and I am not like his old boyfriend - in all previous relationships or sexual encounters, I have always made sure that my partners needs come first. It satisfies me to know they are satisfied - I think we're both in that predicament of wanting to please the other without so much as a thought for ourselves. If that's the case, we're screwed. :bang:
     
  5. Euler

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    What kind of evidence do you want to see? Do you want to hear him moan and come while you do him? Psychology of sex is not a simple topic so just because he does not behave as expected does not mean he is not happy.


    Here you need to be a little more specific. In what way do you feel satisfied? Is it sexual i.e. if you don't feel your partner is satisfied you are not able to climax or is it more just a psychological satisfaction knowing you did a good job?

    What I am about to say next doesn't is something that came to my mind while reading your post. I'm not saying this necessarily applies to you or your BF as it's really hard to say based on just this but I think it is worth looking at. Being too much focused on your partner's needs can be a sign of a broader problem if you observe same kind of pattern in other aspects of your life. I don't know the correct psychological term for this phenomenon but I call it "emotion mirroring". It basically means a condition where a person's ability to connect with one's feelings and emotions has been eroded and the person, instead of experiencing his own emotions, "mirrors" and experiences the emotions of another person. Now, to some degree mirroring is perfectly natural but taken to extreme is a problem.

    Ultimately, you need to make a decision. If you cannot be happy about your sex life your relationship is in trouble if you want to be monogamous.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    Your only two months into your relationship. He has developed habits from prior relationships and self satisfying actions that he is accustomed to. Maybe some of his habits are from prior insecurities, maybe they are just what he is used to.

    I would try not to overly concern yourself with it. Let some time go by and continue being physical with him. Rather than commenting on it directly, continue to show your desire to please him. Over time, as he gets more comfortable (and again, two months is not a long time), he might very well evolve and develop new habits and practices between the each of you.
     
  7. AKTodd

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    Hm. Your BF actually sounds rather like me. I either need to finish myself off during sex or be prepared to take a very long time to finish (think an hour plus of activity before an orgasm is likely to result and I can count on one hadn with fingers left over how often a guy has been able to get me off just due to his own efforts). In addition, the quality and intensity of orgasm I get from doing it myself is much stronger than what I have experienced from other people 'getting me off'. I used to be mildly bothered by this and I suppose I could jump through some number of hoops 'retraining' myself to get off more easily with someone else doing the work, but frankly I pretty much don't care enough to go to the bother.

    Instead, I have come to the mindset that 'getting there is half the fun'. I enjoy what my partner is doing to me as he's doing it, and treat those sensations (which I can't duplicate by myself) as worthwhile in their own right, rather than just as something to do to get to an orgasm. Your BF may feel much the same way. It would probably be good to talk to him about where he's coming from on this.

    I think this is something of a separate issue from what you're describing in the rest of the post. Frankly, I see this as a bigger concern than the two of you having somewhat different feelings about how to reach orgasm or what constitutes 'satisfaction'. It could be that I'm just misreading this bit (it's one part of a paragraph about something else), but I think this is definitely something you need to talk about - communication is key to a good relationship as is doing stuff in a mutual way rather than just the way one person wants to do it. Realize that compromise is a part of that, meaning that it may be meeting in the middle on some things not just switching over to doing it the way you want to.

    'Satisfaction' is not solely determined by orgasm. I get the sense that you judge the quality of your performance by making your partner cum due to your direct efforts (oral, anal, whatever) and that you somewhat see the sensations involved in getting there as just sort of passing things on the way to the 'main event'.

    While that may be your experience and preference (and that's fine), understand that for some people the journey itself is just as important as the destination. I can find receiving oral or whatever perfectly pleasurable, even if it isn't going to result in an orgasm or (if it does) in an orgasm that isn't as intense as one I can produce thru my own efforts. And I (and your BF) can find the combination of those sensations produced by someone else and an orgasm produced by our own efforts perfectly satisfying.

    Perhaps you should broaden your definition of what 'taking care of' means. Also, you've said he likes being kissed while finishing himself off. So, do that and aim to do a good job at it. You might also see if there's other stuff you could do along with kissing (holding him, caressing him, offerring 'words of encouragement', edging him, etc.) that he might also like. There's really a fairly broad range of things you can do beyond oral and anal to make your BF feel good and have a really intense orgasm, either physically or psychologically (the most important sex organ you have is between your ears).

    How much of an impact it has on the rest of the relationship is somewhat up to you. He seems to be fine with it. Assuming you can work out the issue mentioned above with him sort of controlling when and what you do a bit too much (possibly), I think this particular issue is one you can readily work through or get past or even become an enthusiastic partner in.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd