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Please tell me I'm not alone...

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by hollymichelle, Jan 4, 2016.

  1. hollymichelle

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    Okay, this will be a REALLY long one. Hope some friendly souls out there would like to give me some help on an issue of mine...

    First, I'm Swedish so my choice of words might be a bit off at some points, sorry for that..

    I've been with my girlfriend for one and a half year now. I am 28, turning 29 in a few weeks. It is my first same sex relationship (both sexual and girlfriend). Of course I thought that it would be nervous to have sex with a woman for the first time, as I am a somewhat nervous person. And with a lot of performance anxiety (not only stage fright, sexual as well). However I thought it would pass, thinking my fear was just because of nervousness and/or anxiety. Well, one and a half years have past and I am as safe with my partner as I can be, I love her so much and we are about to be married this summer - though sex is still making me very anxious. We've had sex a few times. But not as much as what I expect is normal (even though there's no such thing as normal). When the nervousness would have cooled of, I thought that I would experience some kind of sexual revelation - as I have never really enjoyed having sex with men. The first time I got an orgasm was with my girlfriend, the first time we had sex. I've heard stories about people realizing they were'nt straight, trying something new, loving it and can't get enough of it. But for me... I don't know, it is like being in a sexual nothingness. It's like I have become asexual, however with a sexual desire, eventhough a smaller one. As if I am going through different stages of straight - asexual - and then what...???

    This is of course a huge topic of conversation between me and my partner. She's not pressuring me into sex. I am often the one who brings up the subject and am thinking about the issue 24/7.

    I have made some analysis myself (guesses, mostly). First of all, I am very attracted to my girlfriend, she turns me on and I fantasize about us being together. I don't know if I am bi, pansexual, gay; and for me it doesn't really matter...or maybe it does. Maybe that's the problem at hand...me not knowing who I am. Maybe my sexual experiences and behaviour are just programmed at liking men, and now I am realizing that I'm not. I have had a lot of sexual partners before. However, as I said, never really enjoyed them. It's like I've always had sex for someone else. Everything from persuading myself into believing that I want to have sex with a person that I've just met, or think that I like. From that to having some guy nag (correct word?) about having sex, and me not being able/be bothered to say no anymore but just give in. It's like I have...abused myself...? Allowing my sexuality to be someone elses and constantly doing stuff I either don't want to or am doing whilst playing some character pretending to want to. Well, the whole thing have led me to being somewhat afraid of horniness, and sometimes even disgusted by it. It's not sex that frightens me or disgusts me. It's the horniness. So, when I notice that my partner is horny, or.. I don't know, think that she might will become, it is like everything stops. My body freezes and I just want to escape. Sometimes, I even am a bit horny myself, and become disgusted. Having a feeling of perversion. One of us is horny and my brain tells me to freeze, to stop, to not wanting this. It is very important for me not to do anything I don't want to. As I have never before really have had sex when being horny, it is important that I really know that I'm up for it and that I wont abuse myself. Well, there's one analysis for why I'm sexually confused....and devastated about it. In fact, it's the only thing that occupies my mind... Which takes us to another analysis. It having become a huge thing, a demon that I am afraid of for reasons I can't figure out. And that the only solution would be, to just do it. Is it just me making sex into something it's not. Am I just having a great wall in front of me...that I just have to get over...?

    I am so afraid of talking with others that I know about this...some of my friends know. But not really the depth of it. I am waiting for an appointment with a therapist, and I am writing here to know if there's anyone out there who have experienced the same. I'm afraid that narrowminded people would say, well girl - you're not gay. Maybe not, but my girlfriend turns me on, and that's the only thing that matters. Of course there are a lot of people out there who have experienced shame and anxiety over sex as a result of them having had sexual relationships that they don't want to have. So that's not really the issue for me, and what I am wondering about - however wanting help to recover from. I've told my girlfriend the whole thing, and both of us blame partially me (ok, that's only me blaming myself), and also the guys pushing me into stuff I don't like. But is there someone out there who have experienced confusion like mine when becoming gay? Becoming afraid of sex when coming out? There's no such thing as normal, but I really want to be normal now... (crying...)

    My greatest panic is that my girlfriend suffer aswell. Of course she have her downs, questioning me really being turned on by her, and also sometimes feeling disgusted by her own hornieness as I am turning her down. Feeling like some kind of horny animal (my words, my fantasies). I know she won't leave me, but in my darkest moments, I have thoughts of her doing so...

    I'm gonna stop here. Am I alone?
    Please, help.
    XOXO
     
    #1 hollymichelle, Jan 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2016
  2. Fighter694

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    Awww don't worry! Take a deep breath! Stop worrying about what other people think! It's going to be fine! Since you said you have performance anxiety its not easy for a non professional to different it from anxiety caused by the way you have been used before! But tell me one thing have you been questioning your sexuality obsessively, like check multiple times of the day whether you are attracted to women or not n stuff like that? Also I totally get what you mean when internalization and the effect of society and conditioning has on a person and what kind of confusion it can create in your sexuality! I also understand the feeling of being trapped without anyone to talk to without being judged or having to listen that you probably aren't gay that's why you feel the way you do! My case was with a fear that I might be secretly attracted to woman and I didn't have anyone to talk to as everyone would probably say I'm bi which I felt I'm not, so I get your dilemma! My suggestion is meet the therapist as early as you can and speak to lgbtq+ friends! They tend to be more understanding! So just remember, you aren't alone and its going to be fine
     
  3. paris

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    On the scale from 0 to 10 (where 0=not at all and 10=super okay) how much are you really okay with you being a lesbian? I may be wrong but it seems to me that the sex can make the fact you're gay even more real and that's why you become so anxious. Wishing you all the best. (*hug*)
     
    #3 paris, Jan 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2016
  4. Open Arms

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    Therapy is a good idea.

    Were you taught that sex is for marriage only? If so, will marriage give you "permission" in your own head to be freely sexually intimate? In your own mind, do you feel gay sex is wrong?

    Is the "freezing" a fear of closeness and giving control over to your lover?

    Sometimes, we think too much about sex as a physical performance. If you love this woman, sex is an expression of love. Put your whole being into loving her and accepting her love and do all kinds of affectionate things first. Cradle her face as you kiss her, smooth her hair, rub her shoulders, etc. Light some candles, play some soft music, set an atmosphere of being comfortable and relaxed together.

    If I were you, I would even change the words I use. I wouldn't say "horny" if it turns you off. Use the language of love, not of raw animal sex.

    A sex therapist would probably even suggest lovemaking for a few sessions without trying for an orgasm.

    Your partner sounds wonderfully patient. Is this so, or are you just intent on blaming yourself only?
     
  5. pd04

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    Aw I'm so sorry for this! I kind of relate. Because I get turned on too at times but still could go forever without sex. Regardless of whether it's male or female, I just want to make out and cuddle. The thought of it stresses me out, even though I'm with the greatest guy right now.
    As others have mentioned, talking to a sexologist might be a good idea. Sorry for asking this, but do you really love your partner? If you do, then it might be a good idea to just trust her when she says it's okay. Like, if it doesn't bother her that you're uncomfortable with it all then maybe you should try to not let it bother you as much. (*hug*)