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First time, and I couldn't perform

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Tom91, Jan 10, 2016.

  1. Tom91

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    I went away by myself to Morocco for two weeks over xmas and new year on what was my first ever trip alone. I wanted to, for the first time, escape from the whole xmas/new year build up and hysteria that every year pushes me over the edge. One thing that happened while I was away has been playing on my mind and I’m worried if I don’t air it then it’ll build up into something more entrenched in my mind. By the way, before my trip I’d had absolutely zero experience of sex of any kind.

    I totally inadvertently and accidentally stumbled on what must be a gay cruising spot among the dunes by the beach south of one of the towns I was staying in. I’d gone for a swim in the sea, and when I got out and got changed, I was aware of a Moroccan guy watching me – he then came over and squeezed my cock through my boxers. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) he spoke no English, only French & Arabic – and I barely know French. So he checked I was ok with his showing an interest in me in that way, which I indicated that I was fine with (I though “wow, I may as well see where this goes”). He then went up to the top of the dunes to check if there were people around, then came back and indicated that it would be a bit risky to take things any further there. He also got me to feel his erection through his trousers. Anyway, he runs a shop in the centre of town, and so he gave me his business card, which has a map on the back, and wrote ‘7pm, ce soir’ (this evening).

    So I was going through all sorts in my head, not least that homosexuality in Morocco is illegal (though, obviously, exists), but also that this is the first guy in my entire life that has shown even the tiniest bit of interest in me sexually, but I don’t have the slightest bit of experience, I’ll make a fool of myself, but then I never have to see him again, I’ll regret it if I don’t… etc. etc.

    Anyway, I found his shop that evening but there were still people around so he asked me to come back in an hour. So I did. And he shut the shop and we went upstairs to the room above.

    Basically what happened is that I gave him a blow job and jerked him off until he came. And to my total embarrassment and horror, despite feeling so aroused, I just could not get hard. So in the end he gave up on trying to jerk me off and kind of signalled that I should finish myself off and he went downstairs to leave me to it.

    I don’t know whether it was just my nervousness, or the fact that I’m on antidepressants which have as a ‘possible’ side affect a reduced libido, or if it’s because what I normally wank to is either gay porn or images/videos of really attractive toned men, and so I’ve kind of desensitised myself to the real world??

    I felt really aroused having a half naked guy with me showing interest in me and my body, but was only able to get semi-erect at the most. I desperately want sex to become a part of my life at last, rather than forever being just gay in theory but not in practice. But I’m worried I just can’t perform and so any chances in the future I get, if there are any chances, to have any kind of sexual contact with a guy I’m worried I’ll totally embarrass myself and end up so scared of this that I’ll never overcome it. I find interaction on a social level challenging enough, and this makes my dream of having any romantic encounters or forming any relationships seem even more unlikely.

    What advice/experience does anyone else have about not being able to get it up when it’s needed, or first times or how to overcome this and not make it worse??
     
  2. Boatman

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    Anti depressants will affect your sexual desires and responses. Once off the drugs things settle down. Well that's my experience of them.
     
  3. bingostring

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    I think meds, coupled with first time nerves and not feeling safe (with a stranger) would all lead to the same symptoms.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    For a first time experience where your in a foreign land, at an unfamiliar location, with a complete stranger, I would say you did pretty well this being your first time. Maybe the meds also contributed, but the entire set up to this event would leave most guys having difficulty as their first time.
     
  5. Tom91

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    Thanks for your responses. It was so unexpected and not what I'd ever imagined would happen on my trip, that it feels like it took place in a sort of parallel, holiday world, not the real one. I'm kind of scared both that other opportunities for sex are unlikely to come along back in my current everyday life, and that if they do then i'm just as likely to feel anxious and under pressure, in fact probably more so. It kind of helped that the guy in Morocco was so forward and assertive that he kind of led the way. I don't think I'd be capable of taking the initiative while I'm so unsure of myself.

    Maybe there's no way round the fact that I'll have to try and come off my antidepressants before I'll be capable of having sex.

    It's strange, i've dreamt of sleeping with men, consciously and subconsciously, for so much of my life but always accompanied by the feeling that it would be impossible that i'd have sex, no matter how much i craved it, and that sex is just something for other people to enjoy and not me. My younger brother (who's straight) has been sexually active since he was 16 or 17. I suppose the fact that I'm even in a position to have these worries now is something. I just feel once again like a teenager, at the very beginning of trying to explore my sexuality. When actually I'll be 25 in a couple of months.
     
  6. Chip

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    SSRI antidepressants have this issue (delayed ejaculation) as a common side-effect. However, that usually affects masturbation as well as sex, so if you've seen no difference in ability to orgasm and ejaculate since starting the antidepressants, then they are probably not the issue.

    It is very, very common for first-time sexual experiences to be like this. Orgasm is a complicated interaction of physical, mental, and emotional pieces working together, all of which generally have to be in place for orgasm and ejaculation to occur. It's quite likely, since this came up rather suddenly, that you were a combination of worried, nervous, anxious... and all of these can impact arousal and orgasm.

    I wouldn't stress about it. As you have more experiences, you'll become more comfortable and this won't happen as much, or at all. The SSRIs can reduce sensation a bit, and are also a bit like hitting a delicate and intricate system with a sledgehammer, so if the option is there to work with your psychologist to wean off of them (assuming you can sustain a positive mood without them), that's certainly better in the long term. But most likely the issue is some combination of both factors.
     
  7. bingostring

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    I think also if you have been brought up that acting on your gay urges is wrong or dangerous .. then the whole thing can be terrifying first time?

    and frankly no wonder it wasn't quite what you had hoped for. But with this experience behind you, the next time will be another forward step. And if it is with someone you are attracted to, and feel safe with etc.. then things are going to only get better and more fantastic!
     
  8. Tom91

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    Thank you both - what you say makes a lot of sense. I think the SSRI's probably are affecting masturbation for me as well. Before I finally accepted my sexuality and began what's been a painful coming out process, I used to try and manufacture what I thought were the correct sexual feelings, ie towards women, and tried to force myself to be aroused by women while squashing any attractions I felt towards men. The trouble is, the time when I finally accepted I am gay and started to come out was also when I was in a rock bottom suicidal depression and was first prescribed antidepressants. Although I'm on different drugs at the moment to what I started with, I've been on A/Ds continuously since then. So it kind of feels that I've never yet been able to explore my sexuality in a healthy way - always either suppressing it or possibly having medication suppress it for me. I know i should be more patient and in less of a rush, but I still feel kind of stuck or trapped in a sort of adolescent stage when in fact i'm in my mid twenties...
     
  9. Tom91

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    Thank you both - what you say makes a lot of sense. I think the SSRI's probably are affecting masturbation for me as well. Before I finally accepted my sexuality and began what's been a painful coming out process, I used to try and manufacture what I thought were the correct sexual feelings, ie towards women, and tried to force myself to be aroused by women while squashing any attractions I felt towards men. The trouble is, the time when I finally accepted I am gay and started to come out was also when I was in a rock bottom suicidal depression and was first prescribed antidepressants. Although I'm on different drugs at the moment to what I started with, I've been on A/Ds continuously since then. So it kind of feels that I've never yet been able to explore my sexuality in a healthy way - always either suppressing it or possibly having medication suppress it for me. I know i should be more patient and in less of a rush, but I still feel kind of stuck or trapped in a sort of adolescent stage when in fact i'm in my mid twenties...
     
  10. smurf

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    Its quite common. Most people will go through a "second adolescence" when they come out. It doesn't matter if they are 29 or 65, it usually always happens.

    So, just like you would tell someone younger than you, stop and try to enjoy the process. Enjoy the awkwardness of it all, enjoy the ridcs of it all, and try to savor the fact that you are actively learning and give yourself room to fail.

    You'll get there. We all do.
     
  11. Illus1

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    Well although it wasn't perfect I am sure you would not trade in that experience in Marokko for none at all, so yeah just be happy it happened & almost nobody has a first time exactly as they expected it, still the learn from it and move on. And yours wasn't all that horrible :slight_smile:

    About the second adolescence dude Its crazy isn't it?! Am in the same thing right now its like the whole world has moved on but were still kids although we know we are not with me its combined with crazy nostalgia haha enjoy it man, its prolly because well in my case I was so burried in the closet that well my first kiss was with a girl and somehow in my head doesn't count same with other things..
     
  12. Zen fix

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    I'm recently on a SSRI and have been experiencing some similar side effects. I agree with all these other previous posts that thought this combined with the crazy situation probably had a negative impact on your ability to get erect. Try not to worry about it too much as that is going to make it worse.

    I have to say this was pretty brave that you jumped at the opportunity in a country where homosexuality is a crime.
     
  13. BandFangirl

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    Definitely the meds when I first when on anti depressants my libido and ability to orgasm or even get arouse (there is an actual word for this im just forgetting it) were totally wrecked so I looked it it and so people found that once you are on the meds for a bit the sexual side effects can taper off by themselves but often it has to do with the nervousness AND the meds.
     
  14. Cthulhu Calls

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    Hm, it is pretty normal to not manage to get an erection on your first time. My best friend had been dating his long time crush, but when he finally got the chance to have sex with her, he told me he was so nervous he just couldn't get it up. But I'm pretty jealous of how well you handled the situation.

    Sorry to hear about you being on antidepressants. I can't relate much to your story, to begin with I'm only 16 and never ever had any sexual experience what so ever. I can offer you my empathy though, and I hope that things are better for you.
    Maybe this experience will open doors for you. Why not go to a gay bar in London? I'm sure you'll much more attractive people and you might have a nice time. And if not, at least you have some new found confidence, no? To think that a stranger from a different country found you attractive in that way without ever talking to you, that would raise my morale. Think of things that way!

    Good luck!
     
    #14 Cthulhu Calls, Jan 21, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2016
  15. Tom91

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    Thanks all for your supportive and encouraging messages. I guess I am glad to have had my first gay experience, rather than still be in the position I was before it, of zero experience. I know that generally I still have a lot of work to do on my aversion to awkwardness of any kind- for years I've avoided countless social situations due to how excruciating I find awkwardness. I think the reason things got so far with the Moroccan guy was it kind of felt less awkward with the language barrier,and that I was only in town temporarily. I think also that, there being no gay 'scene' in Morocco, I felt less pressure as I knew it was probably me or nothing for him that night,and so I wouldn't be such a disappointment. I know I'm bound to feel far far more nervous with anyone closer to home. But still, I agree - better to have had this experience than not at all.

    I suppose I'd also been pushing to the back of my mind before, how rarely I'm able to get erect, and how rarely I'm able to masturbate at the moment, and when I do, I often don't manage to reach climax. But also it used to feel like there'd be no chance of me having sex ever, which made it easier to push this to the back of my mind. I'm now trying to pluck up the courage to talk to my Doctor about how my meds might be affecting me- I've never had a sex life to even discuss before!- so another new awkward experience...

    And it's encouraging to hear of others' '2nd adolescence'. I absolutely hated puberty the first time round, when I actually was a teenager. Though that was partly due to my peer group relentlessly exploring, discussing, boasting about their own (hetero)sexual development and experimentation. Maybe a lot of gay guys I'm likely to meet if I ever get the confidence to go out and explore in this country will have had similar struggles to this themselves...

    Tom x
     
    #15 Tom91, Jan 24, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2016
  16. Tom91

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    So I went to see my GP at the weekend, about my medication. I was soo nervous about raising the issue of my difficulty getting erect and inability to come (not just that one occasion on holiday, but more generally during masturbation) with her, that I nearly didn't bring it up at all. Which is silly given she's an experienced doctor and also bound by patient confidentiality. Anyway, I did discuss it. I'd read over all of the potential side effects of the 2 meds i'm on (Venlafaxine and Mirtazipine) and it seems this can be quite a common problem with Venlafaxine.

    Her first response was along the lines of 'well how about we think about reducing your dose or coming off it when you're in a relationship and want to have sex'. Which I felt kind've missed the point. She also said how my nerves can't've helped in that situation and that I'd perhaps manage better in more if a long term thing than a one night stand. Which I acknowledge, but still doesn't solve the fact that I currently actually only feel able to masturbate like once every few weeks, and even then I can't always keep it up, or sometimes am unable to come. So she agreed to reduce my dosage of Venlafaxine slightly.

    It's not like I feel ready or able to go out looking for sex yet, god knows I still have enough anxieties and self-esteem issues still to work through.

    But I'd like to be in a position that, if the opportunity did arise, i wouldn't have this additional level of worry and uncertainty to contend with.

    And I'd like to experience a normal level of libido for once, now that I'm at last managing to allow myself my attraction to guys without instinctively suppressing it in the way i have for much of my life.

    I know coming off antidepressants too quickly can be terrible, so i'm glad to be beginning to reduce my dose now. But I'd really like to manage to live without a/ds one day, and not just because of their potential side effects.

    Anyway, I suppose I am grateful to be in a position where I'm thinking about my future gay sex life, when I've spent so many years in the closet panicking about how the hell I'd get through life constantly having to try and generate heterosexual feelings and desires that I just didn't have in me.

    Thanks for reading.
    Tom
     
    #16 Tom91, Feb 1, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2016
  17. bingostring

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    Interesting situation

    coming off meds (under supervisions/ advice) to try the sex thing for certain could be worthwhile if it feels a valid thing for you to try and do. You always have the option to go back on if you want to

    I was told (by a psych professional) that Venlafaxine needs high doses to be really effective (c.225mg/ day which is a lot) and people are usually on much lower doses than that

    Mirtazepine is good but can make you very sleepy. And increases your appetite.

    Both can affect sexual performance, as do many other A/Ds.

    Keep us posted :icon_bigg
     
  18. Tom91

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    Thanks, Bingostring.
    I was on 150mg/day of Venlafaxine before (75 in the morning, 75 in the evening). Now I'm taking the same in the morning, and half as much in the evening. No noticeable effects yet, as in I still rarely manage to get hard.

    And I'm getting a little fed up with other little things that, having read back over the instrcutions, are probably also side-effects - like often waking with a bone dry mouth, being thirsty all the time, and getting stomach aches more often.

    I do appreciate the drowsiness caused by Mirtazipine, particularly as i take it before bed - it means I do seem to get to sleep better than i ever used to.

    And also, (I'm not sure if this really bothers me or not right now) I don't drink alcohol anymore, because of an experience early on in when I was taking antidepressants - I had a few glasses of wine one evening and ended up so ill that a paramedic came, plus had a hangover for 4 days. I guess on one hand it's anyway possibly good for me not to drink at the moment, such are my volatile moods. But, like my inability to get erect or ejaculate, it'll probably become more of an issue as and when I start to try and put myself out there, meet new people, experiment etc. etc.

    Anyway, one step at a time...
     
    #18 Tom91, Feb 13, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2016
  19. Inky

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    I am not sure if this has been said yet, but irregardless of the many, many possibilities as to why you were unable to perform that night, the important thing to note is that sex isn't the only factor in a relationship and so you should never let that experience fuel your worries even if it is the worst case scenario. When you find someone whom you trust and could be happy with, they would understand.

    I am of the same age as you and I come from a pretty homophobic background, so my sexuality wasn't really given a chance to be explored. I am in my first relationship which started only six months ago. At first I felt pretty anxious about everything, but over time, through trust, honesty and understanding, every worry seems baseless.

    I hope I was helpful to you and not being too presumptious. :slight_smile:
     
  20. Lifeafter30

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    You didn't get hard or anything because you knew how unnatural what you were doing was - it was your soul's way of telling you sex outside a relationship with a total stranger is contrary to contentment and fulfillment a s a sexual being.

    ---------- Post added 15th Feb 2016 at 10:08 PM ----------

    How in God's name can you handle that drug? The sedation it creates is the reason people in nursing homes and psychiatric hospitals look the way they do - mouths hanging open, drooling, paresthesia, and when it wears off at the end of the next day everyday sounds like a car engine revving or a plane flying overhead, or even someone raising their voice can give you a heightened startle response in your nervous system so much so that it can drive you crazy after a while.