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No control over erections is frustrating and confusing.

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by luke564, Jan 29, 2016.

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  1. luke564

    luke564
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    My last straight relationship ended years ago, and if there's one awful memory (I wish I could get rid of) is that throughout that time I was rarely ever able to get hard when having sex with my gf. It wasn't ALWAYS a problem but it did get progressively worse and even though there were a few times she was able to reach orgasm I never did - this happened over the course of almost 3 years.

    I had one brief encounter with a girl a year later and the same thing happened, she also attempted to give oral (something my ex would never have done that I've always been curious about) and much to my shock - it made no difference.

    I was beginning to think that I was experiencing the decline of my sexual drive but During this time (up to present day) I've found that when there's no pressure to perform I've been experiencing more and more unexpected and unwanted erections at the most random of times, waking up in he morning, making breakfast, just standing in the shower - these erections are often harder and last much longer than anything I've been able to produce during intimacy and this is so frustrating because they make me realise I do have what I need to perform, it's just so annoying I can't "produce the goods" when I really need and want to.

    Lastly (and I guess this is kind of the second major issue here) is that when I do get these unwanted moments of arousal I'm never thinking about the opposite sex, - it will always be when I suddenly have thoughts about the same sex, another guy - or being with a guy - and what's really crazy is that often these thoughts aren't overly sexual - I'll just have a sudden thought about being hit on by a guy, or being in an environment with a lot of gay guys - or even wearing clothes or listening to music that are associated with stereotypically gay guys - basically really innocent stuff can sometimes leave me feeling more arroused with full sex with the opposite gender.

    Has anyone ever experienced this, it's driving me up the wall.
     
    #1 luke564, Jan 29, 2016
  2. BioChemist

    BioChemist
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    Do you think that your lack of erections are in part due to performance anxiety or perhaps not being sexually attracted to your partner? Those are the first two factors that come to mind when I listen to what you are saying. And to your second point, I don't think I have ever really experienced being attracted to the opposite gender. I really came out to myself when I was around 13. It for sure took me a while to get used to the idea of being attracted to the same gender, but there is nothing wrong with that. I think what would have helped me come to terms with myself being gay when I was younger was just being able to let my feelings out. So it is a great thing that you joined this site because there is a lot of support here. :slight_smile: I am always willing to talk if you ever wanted to! :slight_smile:
     
    #2 BioChemist, Jan 30, 2016
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi,

    No one but you can say for sure, but what you are describing sounds like the early stages of the process of coming to terms with being attracted to men.

    The consistent lack of arousal/orgasm with a female partner over years is quite common among people who come to self-awareness a little later in life from those who figure it out in their early teens; basically, you can manage to have sex, but it's pretty unfulfilling, because you aren't really aroused.

    And what you're describing sounds like strong arousal toward men. I realize this is probably not what you want to hear.

    One of the best steps you can take for yourself is trying out masturbating and fantasizing about guys (without porn), and then doing the same thing thinking about women. Usually, it is pretty obvious that one or the other will create much stronger excitement and arousal. And whichever sex that is... is a pretty clear indicator of your sexual orientation.

    The important thing is to try your best not to judge yourself, but that isn't always easy; nobody wants to be gay when they first start thinking about it, and that nearly always creates a lot of anxiety, but you are what you are, and nothing you think, say, or do will change it, so the best plan is usually to just sit with it and take your time to figure it out.

    Talking about what you are feeling here is also a really good way to start processing the feelings and figure yourself out. No one here has any agenda, so it doesn't matter to us whether you end up straight, gay, or somewhere in between. All that matters at the end of the day is that you are happy. And you can be happy regardless of which end of the spectrum you end up on.

    Feel free to ask more questions, report back after you've tried the above suggestion, or share whatever is going on for you. The best way to address this is simply to keep thinking and talking about it. :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Chip, Jan 30, 2016
  4. luke564

    luke564
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    BioChemist - its really hard to say, I think its performance anxiety - but she always felt it was due to a lack of attraction, and no matter how hard I tried to reassure her that wasn't the case she never seemed to believe me - thanks for your comments, I'd love to chat some time.

    Chip - It's difficult reading that, but I kind of had a feeling it's what you were going to say.

    I have to admit I have tried the "masturbation test" and have found increasingly that it's becoming easier and easier to do it while thinking about guys.

    The weird thing is, I often don't think about sex - I just think about "light intimacy", just being around them, touching etc - and other things associated with being gay and attracted to the opposite sex, often that's enough to cause much more arousal than the thought (or actual) intercourse with the opposite sex.

    You're right though, I'm really glad about this site being here.
     
    #4 luke564, Jan 31, 2016
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    Luke,

    The "light intimacy" thing would be pretty normal for someone just coming to terms with same sex attraction. If you think of it as something between your unconscious, which knows where your real attractions are, and your conscious, which very much wants to be straight, there's going to be "bargaining going on as you start to acknowledge the feelings.

    So thinking about intercourse might simply be too scary; lots of men coming to terms say they are mortified by the idea of sex with a guy but find it safe to consider cuddling or hugging.

    If, in fact, you are gay or at that end of the spectrum, it may take some time to be ok with that... And that's fine. The best you can do is to keep exploring yourself, do your best to keep an open mind, and see where it takes you.
     
    #5 Chip, Jan 31, 2016
  6. luke564

    luke564
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    Thanks for your response.

    So are you saying that if this goes on, and I become more comfortable it's inevitable that I might start "thinking" about doing more with another guy?

    It's a difficult concept to come to terms with to be honest, the thing that confuses me so much is trying to establish if these thoughts and feelings are pointing towards the "real me" or if they're closer to a "fetish" because "arousal" shouldn't be the only thing that tells a person about their sexuality surely?.

    Sometimes I wonder if I feel this way because theres a part of my brain that enjoys the idea of doing things (physically) that I'm not "supposed" to do, or things that are "different" from the way I currently am - that's why so many of these feelings aren't always directly linked to being with the opposite sex, they can come from strange indirect things, like the thought of just dressing a different way, or learning to talk a certain way - or being given a different personality.
     
    #6 luke564, Jan 31, 2016
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