Hope this is the right spot for this post... I'm wondering if anyone has any advice--my boyfriend has a bit of trouble staying hard when he is top (he's 21, so it shouldn't be an age thing). We're both each others first time, so not much experience to go on here. There's no problem getting him off with any other method, it's just shortly after penetration he gets soft. I think maybe then he gets nervous and can't get hard again... we've talked about it, I asked him what I can do, but he says he has no idea what the problem is. We did try a cock ring, but he said it didn't do anything for him. I don't care if he doesn't like or want to be top, but I feel bad that he can't... like there's something I'm not doing right here lol Any help is much appreciated.
It's a common problem. Sometimes it is the amount of pressure, especially if it takes some time for the bottom to relax enough to take the top's penis. Pressure against the head of the penis or tightness around the shaft of the penis can make guys lose their erection. Or sometimes it is just the fear that he's hurting you that can cause it. Sometimes the position can be the issue. Many guys are used to jacking off or getting a blowjob while laying on their back. When they try another position on top, kneeling or standing, they quickly lose their erection. Sometimes trying a different position like the "cowboy" position with the top laying on his back or seated makes a difference. Out of curiosity, do either of you have a preference toward top or bottom? Or are you both okay being versatile and enjoy the variety?
Thank you very much for the quick reply! The pressure might be it... I hadn't thought of that before. We'll have to try something to help that. We always do fingering for at least 10-20 minutes, he did 2 or 3 fingers on me before trying, but maybe we just need more time. Position was a bit of a problem, too. We've tried many different ways, mostly do "cowboy" (I hadn't heard that term before lol), but may have to do some searching on other ways. We don't assign roles I feel bad that he's always bottom, but he said he's fine with it. I'd like to switch, but we haven't been able to get that to work just yet...
I actually also have the same problem. I don't completely soft, but on initial entry I lose half my hardness and it stays that way, if I pop out and try to reinsert my dick since it's not half hard sometimes will even bend almost 90 degrees when trying to reinsert because there isn't as much blood in my...dick....sorry I hate sexual words *blushes*. But yeah, I can top, it just I never can actually orgasm from the actual action, I have to pull out and use my hand... Sorry if I've made your question into somewhat my own, I was just trying to say I have a similar problem to your boyfriend, so I know what it's like...
I had the same problem - I think my issue was with condoms. I didn't find them very comfortable. They are supposedly made "one size fits all," but that isn't really true. I thought they were tight and painful. However, I was offered a tip here that you can put lube on the interior of the condom, I felt like it made wearing a condom much more comfortable. I haven't had a problem with condoms since.
That's a good point too, Rye. The pleasure during sex for guy is partially the visual and mental stimulation of being with another person. But it's also the fricton and adding lube to the inside of the condom does help transfer some of the feeling of being inside another person that can get lost with a condom. Condoms are a fact of life these days, so things like the lube trick help make it more pleasurable. You're young and you should experiment. It's how you find out what you like and what your partner likes. But don't get caught in the idea that the person on bottom is passive and the one on top is more of the "man". Gay men and lesbians don't have to assign traditional gender roles like men and women. If you think about it, the traditional heterosexual male-female roles have more to do with the reproductive aspects of sex for straight couples. Gay men aren't having sex to make babies- it's more for pleasure and intimacy. So, if your partner enjoys bottoming and he's more comfortable being on bottom, you shouldn't feel bad for him. That's perfectly fine and it doesn't mean that you're making him in a passive or effeminate just because he's on bottom. But if you enjoy bottoming too, then continue to try easier positions like cowboy (which is actually a sex therapy term, believe it or not) and some of the other suggestions. Often when things get going and he's into the moment, you can change positions when he's closer to ejaculation and he will be able to finish in a position where he has more ability to move his hips freely.
Thank you all for the replies--a lot of good advice. Yes, we found out about lubricating the inside of the condoms. I'm pretty sure the pressure is the problem, because he did have difficulty penetrating me even after fingering. We'll definitely have to work on that. I have to study up on these positions lol... I was thinking of something else when you said cowboy, but we'll have to see if that helps. Usually he will be on his back or side when I'm top, I don't know if that's better or worse for the problem when he's top. Oh, just an aside, I wasn't thinking he was being the passive one on the bottom... I just meant that I felt bad that he wanted to try being top, and then couldn't continue on more than few seconds. But thanks again for all the help, I can think of few places that a question like this could be asked and answered :icon_bigg
There are two things to consider: The position that he normally masturbates in. Most guys lie on their back. Gravity's effect on the top. It's a lot harder for some guys to stay hard in a standing or kneeling position. They may find that the side-by-side position or the cowboy position helps them stay hard longer. The cowboy position is based upon the visual image of the position a guy rides a horse in. Cowboy describes the top laying flat with the bottom straddling his hips. Cowboy is the position where the top and bottom are looking each other in the face. Reverse cowboy is when the top is looking at the top's back (the bottom is facing the top's feet). Both positions can be done with the top laying flat or seated in a chair/on the edge of the bed.
I have had performance anxiety issues myself, and my bf as well. I don't see it as a big issue, there are other ways I can find enjoyment than pure sexual experience.
I have a similar problem, well it's not so much that I can't get hard, it's that it takes excessive amounts of stimulation and a million years for me to actually get off in the bedroom.
Is your friend on Anti-Depresants? Because that could be the cause! If not, just try to make things alittle more exciting!
No, not that I know of. He has no problem staying hard any other time, so I'm almost certain it's just pressure or position. In fact, it may likely be my fault, it seems I thought I was relaxing when I was not. So, we'll see if we can fix that. Thanks again to everyone for all the suggestions! It's been invaluable.
I've noticed this among one of my partners. I know it can't be nervousness, and he also wasn't taking pills for anything--and I trust him. I am wondering, is it just really difficult for some people? Is it the same for when they masturbate or does having a partner truly influence their stimulation and limits?
