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Does anyone find lubricants to NOT be that helpful?

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Fullofsurprises, Mar 15, 2016.

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  1. Fullofsurprises

    Fullofsurprises Guest

    I was trying to explain to a close female friend of mine on how intercourse can be difficult for me, due to some bad past experiences. She said "That's why there's lubricants." Well, my body has to be internally aroused and relaxed first. A huge part of sex for me is mental. Using lubricant won't do much for me, if I'm not mentally ready and don't trust someone. It was kind of hard to explain to her, and I know it's my fault for trying to explain. I should have kept private about the issue.

    Any other women and men that can relate?
     
    #1 Fullofsurprises, Mar 15, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2016
  2. andimon

    andimon
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    I haven't really experienced it so I can't fully relate. However, I strongly believe that 90% it comes from inside and lubricants only come in aid when you're already mentally prepared.
     
    #2 andimon, Mar 24, 2016
  3. guitar

    guitar
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    For guys or girls, if you're not relaxed and in an aroused state of mind, all of the lube in the world isn't going to help you. Some lubes are better than others certainly, but if you're tense, it won't matter what kind you use. Maybe try some stretching or relaxation techniques?
     
    #3 guitar, Mar 24, 2016
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    According to the literature on orgasm and arousal, female orgasm follows a very different set of pathways than male orgasm does, and is much more connection and feeling-based, while male orgasm tends to be driven more by visual stimuli and physical activity. So what the OP describes makes complete sense.

    It's also true that, male or female, the intensity of orgasm varies widely and according to some studies, the overwhelimung number of people are experiencing only a fraction of the intensity they could be experiencing. So yes, for someone really in touch with the most intense of orgasmic feelings, it could very easily be difficult to stand during orgasm.
     
    #4 Chip, Mar 24, 2016
  5. Fullofsurprises

    Fullofsurprises Guest

    Pardon the tmi moment, but having an orgasm does help relax the vagina for sex. The only con is finding the right partner that can easily help me do that. I really have to mentally like someone.

    I agree with everyone on here overall.

    ---------- Post added 24th Mar 2016 at 11:21 AM ----------

    I sometimes feel like a weirdo for focusing so much on mental stimulation. I feel like people in my generation brag about picking up some random person and then having crazy orgasms.
     
    #5 Fullofsurprises, Mar 24, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2016
  6. CuriousArticles

    CuriousArticles
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    It took me 4 months of trying before penetrative sex was good for me. Even now, a year later, I have to be mentally there or it's really uncomfortable. I understand where's you're coming from completely. It's all in your head, which is why it's so hard to get around. Lubricants help with....chafing...but that doesn't mean it's comfortable (sometimes it can be downright painful!)

    Sorry, not sure I've said that very well.

    Personally, for me, it was just experience and trust with my partner. You learn to relax.
     
    #6 CuriousArticles, Mar 26, 2016
  7. Fullofsurprises

    Fullofsurprises Guest

    Right, and the partner has to help you relax. Compliments, the right caresses and not trying to speed things up helps. This has made heterosexual dating difficult, when the guy wants to hurry up and get it done.

    I'm someone that prefers other sexual acts over P in V anyway. p in v just doesn't compare to all of the other things that you can do. :slight_smile:
     
    #7 Fullofsurprises, Mar 26, 2016
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  8. CuriousArticles

    CuriousArticles
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    I'm totally on the same page as you there. There's so much more to sex than PIV.
    And foreplay and mood setting is the most important thing. It can't be artificially hurried along, no matter how hard you try (pun intended?)

    I'm just very lucky that my bf is very patient. I was very put off the idea of dating men as I was worried about that. Not that I had any luck with women lol I don't think I could ever be with someone who wasn't patient and considerate in the bedroom, man or woman.

    I guess though for some women who've never had trouble with either past experiences or just general anxiety around sex etc (or maybe who are just always "in the mood"), it can be hard to understand how painful or invasive penetration of any kind can be when you're not psychologically ready or up for it, even with lubrication. Which isn't really their fault. It's difficult to imagine or consider a position you've never been in.
     
    #8 CuriousArticles, Mar 26, 2016
  9. Fullofsurprises

    Fullofsurprises Guest

    It's interesting that people online seem to be more understanding. In real life, I haven't found people to be understanding. Luckily, I'm trying to steer clear of people that demand to know details of my sex life. One woman accused of being a lesbian for not talking about guys. There's a reason why: it invites judgmental comments and I'm left dealing with the consequences.

    The woman that didn't understand why lubricant wasn't helpful ironically was raped herself. I think it's just my authentic personality to like other sexual acts more. She probably doesn't understand that. Even if I'm warmed up for P in V, I still enjoy other sexual acts more. As for always being in the mood, my libido is high. My daily thoughts just involve non P in V acts. One thing I hate is that when people assume that you're not sexual enough just for not being crazy about P in V. What about women that like P in V, but don't like oral/anal? Why are they considered normal and I'm seen as someone that needs help?


    When people make comments on my sexual preferences and lecture me on what I should like, it feels like I'm being raped all over again. You're basically forcing me to do something that my body is rejecting. The most attractive quality that a partner has is just to accept my preferences and work with me on how to make things pleasurable for both of us. Sure, it may not be one's fault for not understanding why I'm the way I am. But, how hard is it to understand that every human being is different and unique with sex?

    I'm back to wanting to self harm. I just want someone that gets where I'm coming from.

    ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2016 at 07:06 AM ----------

    To hear someone write that it's not other women's fault for not understanding is really triggering. I try my best to empathize with other people. Am I the only one that does this? It feels like other people don't know how to recognize that someone's life experience is totally different from theirs. I don't think there's any reason for me to be on this planet. I wish I was some emotionless stereotypical heterosexual woman.
     
    #9 Fullofsurprises, Mar 27, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2016
  10. CuriousArticles

    CuriousArticles
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    A whole bunch of women can't even orgasm from vaginal stimulation, so it makes perfect sense for women to prefer other sexual acts. Everyone has their own preferences. Some people are into really unusual stuff. It's such a personal thing.

    It really sucks, waiting to find someone that actually gets that. Some people just don't have the empathy to understand that just because they like it, not everyone else does. I'm really sorry what I said made you feel that way (*hug*). I just meant that people are blind to each other. I grew up with a sister who was not exactly empathetic. A lot of people don't realise that there is something to empathise with, or don't want to think about it too much.

    You're clearly a really caring person, so you do get it. But even some people who have been through the same things take different experiences from it. I didn't really mean that it wasn't their fault, more that it's easy to accidentally be flippant and say things without thinking if it relates to something beyond your experience. Which clearly I did too, I'm sorry.

    I guess the most important thing is the reaction when you do try to explain? Good friends and good people to surround yourself with try to understand, or at least accept that you are not the same as them. (*hug*)

    Also, I have this weird feeling that many people have narrow views on sexual experience, which doesn't help :eusa_doh: just a speculation but yeah.
     
    #10 CuriousArticles, Mar 29, 2016
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