I've been living on SSD and SSI supliment for about 4 years, diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The issue has something to do with me withholding a lot of information from the doctors. I tell therapists I don't want to talk about it... I haven't seen a doctor since. I beleive Ive confused the doctors and have been misdiagnosed by my own failure to be honest with them... I withheld this information from everyone, to my family for about 15 years . Nobody in my family knows this about my life. Its caused me more distress than I can describe, and right now, rehabilitation seems impossible. I am oo stubborn, shy and shaken to discuss it with a doctor in a n hour session once or twice a week.., but if anything I can write about it. I've been reading through diagnostic criteria, and I know it's a big no-no to do this , but I am non -subjective, cross referencing other criteria for similar symptoms and similar disorders, and the symptoms for the criteria are so on the mark its terrifying. Not only am I hesitant to talk about what happened, but I no longer own a vehicle, and taking an Aire Ride to the Counciling Center is embarassing and stressful, demoralizing, all for 2 hours a week.. wth am I supposed to do? I feel pretty stupid for not just going, I'm a 28 y/o and I'm not scared of much anymore.. this is the one thing that beats me, and roller coasters... they both make me sick.
I can tell you have a lot of anxiety but unfortunately that is most I was able to get out of what you have written. The thing is that the only way to get help is to 1) acknowledge you have problem (check), 2) ask for help and 3) explain what is the problem. So what is it exactly that you are withholding from your doctors and therapist? Are you not telling your family about your bipolar diagnosis? So you feel you have been misdiagnosed with the bipolarity?
Its a bit too lengthy to just write out in one sitting, which is why I didnt. Im jist looking for advice, but if someone hear cares enough to listen to my sob story, then sure... I would share. It involves a compound of events, and half the damn town was involved somehow...
I'll do my best to describe the events. The first event may not have any causation for my problems, since it wasnt technically abuse, but it was rather disturbing... idk, I'm not a professional. When I was 10 I moved to this town. I met my next door neighbor. He was the best, we were the perfect friends. Surprising, we were both gay. To me, he was the most gorgeous thing... It was obvious that we were a 'couple', even at that age where sex isnt involved. The thing we didnt realize was that his mother wasnt having it. She soon found out of our bond and he was swiftly grounded and was banned from interaction with me. We'd have to talk through his bedroom window... several weeks later, they were gone. I want allowed to say goodbye, though he was 10 feet from me, she dragged him to the car and that was the last time I ever saw him... Now thats only the precursor. The next event ties into this becaise the 'suspects' in question knew the Mollicks well... At the end of the school day I would go off to Small World Daycare Center here in town while my parents worked. It was a stone throw away from my house, so it was easy to walk there. Every day I dreaded that horrible place. The staff in queation were two older women, one was a mother of one of the girls there, and I think the other, older bitch was her mother ,or her older friend I dont really care. It was a heiarchy omongst them, I was the bottom omega, I guess... Every day was the same. The kids all in cahouts would slam me with the toys, "yeah, we kbow you're a faggot, you queer". the 2 staff perpetuated this... apparently they all had known about us.. "You're [my neighbor's] little friend, arent you"? the younger staff asked me... "you're a little fag,". The verbal hazing continued regularly. A bigger black kid in this 'group of friends' liked to open hand box me a lot, slap me and of course call me a fag. The little girls continued to bombard me with objects. I fought back, and the staff warned me not to fight back, or all of them would beat my ass. "Ill just get my lil daughter to kick your ass, you little faggot", this contibued for many months. I was often refused bathroom breaks until it was unbearable. The staff didnt want me "touching my queer self in the bathroom", so usually theyd leave the door half open (it was one of those 2 section doors) and I would be watched. they taunted me about my friend, how I'll never see him again, and that theyd make sure I never would.. all the hazing became less violent as the school year went on, more verbal... I told *no one as I belived I would get in trouble somehow. My mother finally removed me from the program, although im not sure why... I cant remember much other than that. I soon became incredibly violent, taking knives to walls and furniture, pretending I was drowning/ dying, very morbid playtime, I would just sit out back and space out to nothing, I would sit on the porch were he used to live and I cried.. my grades plummited, and of course I was having a lot of outburts... The knives were what killed me, because then my parents were pissed beyond belief, destroying furniture and they didnt understand why I was doing this. I wasnt going to tell them.. adolescence, it got pretty severe. I started having the fits of rage, overwhelming sadness... By that point I didnt remember it evrr happening. It stayed that way for years. It was like that was another part of me that had gone, and I was just a shell... I had forgotten them. I ended up in Adelophi programs throughout my entire highschool career. I was regularly abusing perscriptions and was struggling with self harm. I could list all the symptoms, but it would take me forever, but yeah, I kinda cheated and got out the DSM and did some reading on PTSD-disassociative, bipolar, ADHD etc... the PTSD-disassociative was uncannily closer than the others, and now I realize that lying all these years /might/ have gotten me misdiagnosed.
I hope the Mods dont reject that massive post I just wrote, because it inclueds some pretty foul language, but its pertinent to the story... I really don't want to type that all out again... lets see if it gets approved
my friends notified me that theyre worried about me, claiming I have these moments of 'dead expression', where they speak to me, but I di not hear. A 'dead look in my eyes, literally souless" and it frightens them... I have regular, but very vauge "flashbacks". very short moments. They make me incredibly angry. Ive hurt the people I love for no reason. Ive even hurt a few animals, to my unbearable guilt... The concious voice in my head, screaming "youre a fag" and "youre nothing, never will be", "kys", etc... I have regular panic attacks, and without marijuana it can be overwhelming to say the least. I want to jump out of my own skin, sometimes. I cant hold a job, i cant maintain friendships properly, or relationships. i have dependency out the ass and Im predisposed to getting drunk or high to numb it. reaction to 'cues', when it had happened I experience very severe disassociation... the list goes on and on, not to toot my own horn... in fact, I hate myself for even talking about it.
If I may, here's my summary of symptoms. Im not a doctor, but i have to do something, and I want to end it. its never seemed clearer. - Random memories - Reoccuring, distressful dreams - Flashbacks, snipets of their faces, I can see my hands as well, the places, the toys - Severe social anxiety, rejection. - A severe sensitivity to proximity and intimacy. - Partial amnesia - Self blamming - Unknown moments of shock/ fear/ panic, fits of rage (e.g. the desire to smash hands through the table, through the television, smash my foot through the floor, beat somebody mercilessly, "calculated violence") - Thoughts of mass murder/ suicide - Other troubling thoughts - Social estrangement - Unable to feel happy - Positive emotions are short - Irritable behavior and angry outbursts (with little or no provocation) - Self-destructive behavior. - Other Periodic Depression symptoms - Hypervigilance. (on edge, always watching and waiting, ready to fight) - Exaggerated startle response, very much.. - Problems with concentration. - Sleep disturbance - Delayed reaction/ emotional response - Derealization: "The world is not real, im not real...were all atoms in a web", disassociate reality of people, things, "feeling like you're walking through your own dream ".
I genuinely want help, and I cant stand what ive become. I feel like. a monster, and I dont kbow what id do if I hurt my boyfriend. Marijuana use works, but its inconvenient expensive and illegal, as a "regular treatment" rather than pure recreation, I want therapy more than anything.
I'm just noting that this thread was temporarily removed, but only because we had to remove somebody's full name out of respect for their privacy.
To begin with, yes, the experience you described indeed qualifies as severe emotional abuse. If you were hurt physically that is physical abuse as well. Considering this background I am not at all surprised of the symptoms you have displayed over the years. The symptoms you describe are not completely explained by bipolar disorder. I cannot say do you have bipolar or not. It is possible that you do have it but you display symptoms of depression, anxiety and dissociation to name about a few. So most likely you would get additional diagnosis too. The thing is that doctors are not mind readers. They rely mostly on the things you tell them and cannot make accurate diagnosis if you withhold information from them. If I were you I would consult a psychologist or a psychiatrist with your problems. The key is to be honest and open about how you feel and what kind of personal history you have. You will almost certainly need therapy and possibly some temporary medication to get better.
Anxiety and depression runs through the posts above. I think that early experience was extremely damaging and it is time to address it so you can move on with your life. It is treatable and you can feel better about things, but opening up to a therapist is required, and not to conceal anything. Why would you not tell them these things?
