Hello all, I've been struggling with porn and sex addiction for over a decade. Less than a year ago I finally made the decision to enter recovery. I began going to therapy--which I still attend regularly--and attending SA meetings, though I have not been to a meeting in quite some time. Though I generally identify as heterosexual, over the years I've had many anonymous sexual encounters with men I've met online. Trolling for sex on craigslist is definitely what I would consider one of my "bottom line" behaviors. Another one of these behaviors would be excessive porn viewing (primarily heterosexual), sometimes accompanied by popper consumption. I've recently began dating a wonderful woman whom I am absolutely crazy about. I've been completely open and honest with her regarding my past and she accepts all of it and does not judge me. We even had an agreement that allowed me to engage in sex with men as long as I was forthcoming with her regarding my activities. Two days ago, I arranged a meeting with a man through craigslist. I arrived at his apartment and immediately discovered he smoked crystal meth. This made me uneasy but I did not leave. The two of us undressed and I began to perform oral sex on him. In my heightened state of arousal, I decided that I would like to consume some meth. After 5 or 6 hours of illicit drug consumption and vigorous oral sex, I finally left. I immediately drove to an adult bookstore and purchased a vile of poppers. I went home, turned on some porn and began masturbating. I then decided I would patronize another adult bookstore, as in my drug-fueled state, I had determined I wasn't done engaging in sex with men. I walked through the front door, received change for a $20 bill and then headed back to the arcade. I entered an unoccupied booth, sat down, fed some money into the machine, took a hit of poppers and began masturbating while viewing porn. Several minutes later a curious individual made his presence known outside of my booth and I invited him in. I then proceeded to perform oral sex on him. After he ejaculated he exited the booth and no less than two or three minutes later another individual entered. I performed oral sex on him as well. I then headed home and proceeded to view pornography and smoke cigarettes until sunrise, as I was coming down from the crystal and unable to sleep. Since these events transpired, I have been absolutely racked with guilt, shame and remorse. I am, quite frankly, devastated. Over the course of the past 48 hours I have been exceedingly hard on myself. I've hardly slept and hardly eaten. I cannot stop replaying the events of that regrettable evening through my tortured mind. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want this feeling to go away. It's as if I'm living a nightmare. I want it to stop. I feel broken. Irredeemable. I feel like a pervert; a deviant. I feel completely out of control. This is no way to live.
I hope the therapy is able to help you. My partner doesn't have my drive either, but respects my drive and does not get jealous when I go to porn or masturbation. As long as I am there for the support, we shouldn't break up because of something as basic as sex. I don't break up with someone because of their food tastes, Nobody has dumped me for my love of sleep. I look at sex in the same way, especially self sex.
Hi, and welcome. First, it's good that you're talking about this. Second, I think there's more than one problem going on here, based on what you've said: -- it sounds like there is more than a passing attraction to men. -- I don't think this is just the issue with sex addiction. (On a separate note, this is a controversial issue within itself and there is a credible body of literature that looks at what is described as "sex addiction" as a more complex set of layered behaviors.) -- I am concerned about your risk of repeating your use of crystal meth. Meth is one of the most addictive drugs known and the cravings after a single use can last for days. Given that you are already using poppers, you are likely at higher than average risk of addiction, so I would very strongly suggest that you commit to yourself to not *ever* use meth again, even once, and if you find yourself in a place where meth is present, turn around and leave, no matter what. I have worked with a number of individuals with methamphetamine addiction, and every one of them started with a story similar to yours. The important thing to remember about your behavior is that it is not you; it is the drug talking. One of the most common side effects of meth is the increased sexual arousal you experienced, and the behaviors you describe are actually very common for people using meth, which is another reason why I'm advising you to avoid ever using it again. The relationship you have with sex is complex. It is actually related to drug addiction, as it is activating the same pathways and in some ways needs to be treated the same as a drug addiction, but in other ways needs separate treatment. I'm hoping you're working with a therapist with extensive experience in treating compulsive sexual behaviors. Another reason you're feeling shitty is the "come-down" from the methamphetamine use. Basically using methamphetamine is a bit like taking a sledgehammer to a delicate Swiss watch; the neurotransmitter system in the body is extremely delicate and controls, among other things, mood. Strong drugs completely throw things out of whack, as the body attempts to readjust itself. But your body should be able to "right" itself within a few days, and you will just need to wait out the feelings you're having. The really crucial thing is not to repeat the behavior. You aren't broken, irredeemable, deviant, or a pervert. You're a human being who is experiencing difficulties that arise most likely from early childhood experiences that have affected you, and your therapy is part of the process of coming to understand yourself, changing the underlying messages and resetting the behaviors. You will get past this... the important thing is to keep talking about it, set limits for yourself, and ask for help from others if you start feeling weakness in maintaining those limits. Please keep us up to date on how things are going for you.
Exactly what Chip said. I know a man who used Poppers quite a bit and he would even smoke meth before he went to clubs. He is now addicted to meth and he looks completely different; 10 years older than he did 2 years ago. Please don't smoke meth again.
